


Someday Never Comes

by seaavery1



Series: Dean in Therapy [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Trauma, Dean Grew Up Too Fast, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Mild Smut, Neglected Dean, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possible Child Abuse (Psychological), Therapy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-01-07 23:57:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 52,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12243111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaavery1/pseuds/seaavery1
Summary: Dean embarks on the hardest therapeutic journey yet as he begins to discuss his dad.





	1. Little Truths

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to part six. This will be the final part of the series. Additional tags will be added as it goes along. Brief mentions of neglect. Thanks again for reading. <3

Donna stayed for four more days. She wanted to stay longer but there were still some things that needed to be wrapped up at the station. Dean debated about asking to go with her. Maybe he could help in some way. Help her pack up her desk if she hadn’t already. Maybe just hide out in Stillwater for awhile or forever. But he also felt like he had to stay. He still had three more therapy sessions to go and he still needed to talk to Sam and Cas about his drinking and quitting therapy.

 

He was still having nightmares, but they were less frequent and filled with less death. He worried that with Donna leaving the nightmares would come back in full force. That without her there to lay a warm hand on his arm, place a tender kiss on his lips, or whisper, I love you in his ear, they would walk into that open door in his mind and take up residence again.

 

His urge to drink was still there, still lurking under the surface of everything. It would usually be simmering at around a two or five, but there were times it would spike to at least a ten. Those times he would go for a walk or even try and write. For now, he was keeping it under control, but he knew that any little thing could push him over that edge, diving headlong into a bottle of dark, woodsy liquid.

 

Saying goodbye to Donna was harder than it had ever been. They held each other for what seemed like an eternity before she turned to leave. Her eyes were moist with tears and he was sure his were as well. Watching her jeep pull away from the bunker made his heartache. Ache like it had never ached before and going to bed without the familiar warmth of her body next to him made him feel a loss he couldn’t quite name.

 

Lola felt the loss of Donna as well. She would go to the door frequently during the first couple of days she was gone, just waiting for her to open the door again. Maybe throw the ball for her or give her a cookie. Lola would look at Dean with an unanswered question on her face. He told her they would see Donna again soon, but he wasn’t sure if it was enough.

 

Three days after Donna left, Dean found himself sitting in a corner booth of some diner, Cas and Sam sitting across from him and a half-eaten burger in front of him. He hadn’t planned to make this the moment he would decide to pull that band-aid off, but it just sort of happened that way. “So, I’ve decided to quit therapy.”

 

Both Cas and Sam looked at him, their mouths slightly ajar, and the same hurt puppy dog look on their faces. It almost made him laugh. Sam said, “Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Cas cocked his head to the side in that innocent way he often did and knitted his brow. “Why, Dean?”

 

He shrugged. “I felt like it was time.” He took another bite of his burger, hoping the action would make him appear more relaxed than he actually felt.

 

Sam started stirring his soda with his straw, looking down at the table. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

 

“No. But I feel like I need to right now.” He was surprised by how honest that really was.

 

Sam looked at Cas for a second, before looking back to Dean. “But what about the drinking?”

 

“Laura said we’d set up a strategy and I can write or-”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Sam sat back a little, his arms crossed and his eyes focused on Dean.

 

“Yeah, I thought that’s what you’d say.”

 

“Do you not remember what happened just a couple weeks ago?”

 

“Of course I do.” Sam shook his head, looking out the side window. “I’m not promising that I won’t drink. But that could happen with therapy, as you know.”

 

“But therapy could at least help it,” Sam muttered.

 

Cas looked between them for a second, before focusing his attention on Dean. “What does Laura think of this?”

 

“She...she’s not fully okay with it, but she’s accepted it.”

 

“When will you quit?”

 

“I have three more sessions.”

 

Sam’s head shot over to look at him. “Three more!?”

 

Dean winced. “Yes.”

 

“I thought you would’ve said three months at least. Jesus, Dean.”

 

“Look, I know it sounds crazy. I just...I need to take a step back from it.”

 

Cas gave Dean a hesitant smile. “I’ll support whatever you decide to do.”

 

Dean wasn’t so sure if that was true or if he was just trying to appease him and smooth over some of the tension, but he would accept it for now. Dean smiled at him. “Thanks, Cas.” He turned to look at Sam. “I know you think this is stupid and I understand that. But it is my-”

 

Sam shot up out of the both and glared at Dean before throwing some money on the table. “I’m tired. I think we should get back to the bunker.”

 

“Sam-”

 

“I’ll meet you guys at the car.” He walked out of the restaurant, his shoulders pulled tight and his gait stiff and angry. Dean let out a breath and shut his eyes.

 

The drive back to the bunker was quiet and tense. Sam kept his face turned toward the passenger window, his arms crossed. Dean tried to make small talk, but the only response he got was a noncommittal grunt, so he gave up.

 

When they got back to the bunker, Sam made a beeline for his room, his face turned down in a frown, Beth looking confused, but following him.

 

“Give him time, Dean.”

 

“Do you think he’s gonna kick me out?”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean you guys we’re gonna do that before.”

 

Cas touched Dean’s arm and he turned to face him. “We were never gonna kick you out.”

 

“You could’ve fooled me.”

 

“Well, we won’t. This is your home.”

 

Dean frowned and looked down. “I’m trying really hard to be okay for everyone.”

 

“I know.”

 

“It’s just really hard and I don’t know what the right thing is. I just need a break.”

 

“Then you should take one.”

 

Dean gave him a small smile. “You’re a good friend, Cas. The best I’ve ever had.”

 

“Thank you, Dean. You are too.” Dean nodded and turned his head away, his gaze lingering on the path Sam had taken.

 

* * *

 

Dean tried to talk to Sam a few times that week. He tried to get him to see why he was quitting, even though Dean didn’t completely know why he was. He just knew he needed a break from it. He needed to step back to see where he wanted to go.

 

Sam continued to blow him off and the look of disappointment on his face was like a dagger to Dean’s heart. He assured him that he wasn’t going to kick him out, but Dean wasn’t too sure about that. He had a feeling that Cas and Beth were the only ones stopping Sam from giving him that ultimatum.

 

His third therapy session rolled around with all the tension in the air. The tension that felt like it was trying to suffocate him. He briefly wondered if perhaps he should have made one of the last sessions a group one with Sam, but on the other hand, he feared what that would’ve entailed.

 

Dean took Lola with him this time. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have a drink after, but having her with him was almost like insurance this time. Which he realized maybe sounded a little fucked up, but he needed all the extra cushion he could get.

 

“Is Donna still in town?”

 

“She left a few days ago.” He gave a quick smile but quickly looked down.

 

“You miss her?”

 

He nodded. “More than I thought possible.”

 

“When will you see her again?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I wanted to go with her.”

 

“Why didn’t you?”

 

“I guess I thought I needed to stay here. Finish therapy. Try and make things right with Sam and Cas.”

 

She furrowed her brow. “What’s wrong with Sam and Cas?”

 

“Well, I got drunk twice, for one thing, and…” He sighed and crossed his arms. “I told them about quitting therapy.”

 

“How did they take it?”

 

“Cas was okay. I mean I can tell he’s worried, but he said he supports me. But Sam...Sam was a whole nother story.”

 

“What did Sam say?”

 

“Hardly anything, but the disappointment on his face says it all.” Dean chewed on his bottom lip. “I think he wants to kick me out.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“I just get this feeling like he can’t even stand me right now.” He crossed his arms tighter. “Like just the idea of being near me is some sort of punishment.”

 

“Have you asked him about it?”

 

“He’ll barely even look at me.”

 

“Dean, if you want to we can set up an additional appointment for you and Sam.”

 

He quirked his eyebrow. “Is this your clever way of trying to rope me into even more sessions?”

 

She shook her head. “No. I just thought it might be a good idea for you and Sam to have some closure in here.”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

“Okay. Well, I want you to really think about it. Can you do that?” He nodded and she opened up her notebook. “Now we only have three more individual sessions left.” He saw her small smile at her choice of phrasing and he couldn’t help but smile as well. “I want to start talking about your dad.”

 

Dean’s smile instantly faded and he felt his chest tighten slightly. “What about my dad?”

 

“You said you grew up in Lawrence, right?”

 

“Yeah.” He felt a little queasy as he wondered where this was going.

 

“You know Lawrence is a pretty quick drive from here, right?”

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“Have you ever thought about going back home?”

 

He pursed his lips. “It’s not my home anymore.”

 

“I know, but I wonder why you haven’t even visited it since you moved back to Kansas.”

 

“Because I don’t want to go there.” He could feel the anger rising in him and his hands were shaking. “I said goodbye to that place a long time ago.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“Yes!” He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “I had to go there once and that was enough.”

 

“Dean, I think it might be a good idea to visit again. To really say goodbye to the ghosts of that place.”

 

He scoffed and shook his head. “Already did that too.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“Look, I’ll talk about my dad or maybe even admit that he wasn’t the greatest, but I’m not gonna go back there.”

 

“Okay.” She held up her hand. “We can put that aside for now.”

 

He leaned forward. “No. We’re dropping it, okay?”

 

She stared at him for a moment, probably trying to choose the best way to approach this. She finally relented and nodded. “Fine.” She made a little note in her notebook and then closed it. “Tell me about your dad.”

 

“I’ve already told you about my dad.”

 

“Tell me more.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like what was his favorite food?”

 

“Burgers. Bacon cheeseburgers.”

 

“Favorite music?”

 

“Classic rock. Mainly seventies stuff.”

 

“And your car was his car, right?”

 

“Yeah. So?”

 

“You really admire your dad, don’t you?”

 

“Of course I do. He was a marine. He was a hero. He saved a lot of people.”

 

“Do you think you’re like your dad?”

 

Dean shifted in his seat, bringing one of his legs to rest on top of the other. “Sometimes. But mostly not.”

 

“Do you want to be like your dad?”

 

He swallowed and licked his lips. “I used to. I mean I tried.”

 

“What changed?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess I just realized that I would never be him.”

 

“How did that make you feel?”

 

“Sad. Relieved. I don’t know.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “My dad tried, okay?”

 

“I didn’t say he didn’t.”

 

“He just forgot how.”

 

“How what?”

 

“How to be a dad.”

 

“Dean, do you think he treated you differently than he did Sam?”

 

He looked down. “Yeah. A lot.”

 

“How so?”

 

“We’ve talked about this already.”

 

“We’ve talked about it a little. But I want to hear more about how different it was.”

 

Dean didn’t want to do this. He shouldn’t do this. But his defenses had gotten weaker since he started coming here and there were some things that were just insisting on coming out.

 

He closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath, and then continued on. “I was older, you know. So my dad just decided that I could handle more.”

 

“And how did that make you feel?”

 

He looked down at his hands, his eyes tracing the lines crossing over his knuckles. “I don’t really know. I just know that I was confused.”

 

“What were you confused about?”

 

“Everything.” He looked up, pressing his hands together. “I didn’t really talk much right after my mom died.”

 

“Really?”

 

“I would sometimes say one or two words here and there, but for the most part I was quiet.”

 

“Do you know why that was?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I was scared.”

 

“What did your dad do?”

 

Dean blinked and glanced towards the window. “I don’t know if he really noticed.”

 

“How could he not notice?”

 

“He was busy grieving and deciding on what to do.” _And training himself to hunt down the thing killed that killed his Mary. Training me to be the soldier by his side._

 

“How did that make you feel?”

 

Dean frowned and absently tapped his fingers on his knee. “Weird. Kind of invisible.” He looked up at Laura. “I mean I know he saw me. He would talk to me and tell me to do things, but I still felt like he was looking through me sometimes.”

 

“What did you want him to do?”

 

“Hold me. Tell me it was all going to be okay. Be my dad.”

 

She nodded. “It sounds like you lost two parents when your mom died.”

 

Dean felt his chest tighten and his heart rate increase. “My dad was there. He was alive and breathing.”

 

“Death isn’t the only way you lose someone, Dean.”

 

“I just don’t...I don’t wanna hate my dad.”

 

“No one is saying you should. But you’re allowed to be angry. To be sad for what you didn’t have.”

 

Dean looked down at Lola and she glanced up at him, he gave her a quick smile before looking back at Laura. “Sometimes I get so angry at him that I don’t know how to breathe.” His lip quivered slightly and he licked it nervously.

 

“What do you do with that anger?”

 

“Nothing. What can I do?”

 

“Maybe you could write about it.”

 

He let out a humorless laugh. “That’s not something I think I can do again anytime soon.”

 

She nodded and gave him a sympathetic smile. “Okay. You can let that anger out in here.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Think of me as your dad. Tell me everything you want to tell him.”

 

He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think I can do that.”

 

“I won’t take it personally. I promise.”

 

“I just...can we maybe do that next week? At least let me think about it?”

 

“Dean, we only have a couple sessions left.”

 

“I know. I just don’t think I can do that right now.”

 

“I just want you to try and at least start to deal with this before we wrap up.”

 

He let out a frustrated sigh. “I know, okay. I promise I will, I just...I’m scared. I haven’t reached for that bottle yet, but with Donna gone and bringing this up and…” He looked down at his clasped hands and felt some shame and embarrassment creep up. “I don’t think I can do it today.”

 

“Okay. We’ll shoot for next week then.”

 

He looked up at her and gave her a weak smile. “Next week.”

 

* * *

 

When he returned to the bunker he found Sam waiting for him in the war room. He was drinking a cup of coffee and he had a serious expression on his face. Dean braced himself for whatever confrontation awaited him.

 

Lola ran down the stairs, tail wagging, and greeted Sam with a kiss and he gave her some head scratches. “Hey, girl.” He looked back up at Dean. “Have a good session?”

 

Dean shrugged and continued walking down the stairs. “It was okay.” He took a seat across from Sam.

 

“So, how many more after this?”

 

“Two.”

 

“Two, huh?” Dean nodded his head. “What about our sessions?”

 

“I...those are done.”

 

“You didn’t think that maybe you should at least run that part by me?”

 

“It’s my therapy, Sam.”

 

“Yeah, but I was part of some it.”

 

“I’m sorry. I just...I need a break.”

 

“Are you sure it’s not just you running?”

 

“Running?” Dean scoffed.

 

Sam quirked his eyebrow. “What?”

 

“Nothing. Forget it.”

 

Sam leaned forward it. “Dean.”

 

Dean let out a ragged breath. “Fine.” He leaned forward slightly. “Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to run? How many times I’ve wanted to just throw in the towel and quit?”  Sam looked down at the table.  “Hell, I almost ran away a couple of weeks after I got back from Sunny’s.”

 

Sam looked back up. “You did?”

 

“Yep. I even packed my bags. I had a taste of it, Sammy.  A normal childhood.”

 

“You were in a boy’s home.”

 

“Yeah, but I was doing good in school. I was about to go to a stupid dance. I was normal. I wasn’t anyone’s…” Dean shut his eyes tight. “I wasn’t anyone’s dad.” He opened his eyes and saw Sam staring at him, blinking rapidly. “Sammy, I’m sorry-

 

“Why didn’t you run?”

 

“Because I didn’t really want to.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“Sam-”

 

“You didn’t run because of him, right?”

 

Dean stiffened slightly and he felt his pulse speed up. “I couldn’t leave you alone with him.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Sam, Dad wasn’t good...I mean he was so consumed with grief for mom that he wasn’t even a Dad really.”

 

“I know, Dean.”

 

“No. You don’t know all of it.” Dean shook his head, already regretting that he had to bring this all up. He wanted to blame Laura. Blame her for making him think about these things he had long forgotten.

 

“What did he do, Dean?”

 

He should stop. He shouldn’t give Sam more reasons to resent their dad, but the lid had already come off and he didn’t know how he would be able to put it back on. “He would get drunk a lot.”

 

“Yeah, I know that too.”

 

“No, I mean really drunk. Sometimes he’d get so drunk that I’d have to pick his sorry ass up. Carry our grown dad to the car and make sure not to wake you. He would be so angry and just sad. Just, broken.” He let out a humorless laugh at the irony of it. Maybe he was more like his dad then he thought.

 

“I had no idea.”

 

“I didn’t want you to.” Dean looked down at the table.

 

“Dean, I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. He was grieving.”

 

“Still. He shouldn’t have done that.”

 

Dean looked back up and wanted to instantly look away again when he saw the pity on Sam’s face. He should stop this before it went any further. “Anyway, I just didn’t want you to have clean up after him.”

 

“So all of that had to be taken care of by you?”

 

“I was older.”

 

“So. You were still a kid.”

 

“It doesn’t matter now. It’s all said and done.”

 

“And that doesn’t piss you off?”

 

“Of course it does, Sam, but what good does that do?”

 

“Do you talk about this with Laura?”

 

“Sort of. We kind of just started today.”

 

“What does she say?”

 

“Lots of things.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you ever think about going back to Lawrence?”

 

Sam averted his eyes. “I already did.”

 

“When did you do that?”

 

“First time was when you were in purgatory.”

 

“First time?”

 

“Yeah. I go pretty much every year.”

 

Dean’s eyes got wide and he felt a sense of betrayal that he couldn’t quite understand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I thought you’d be mad.”

 

“Jesus, will we ever stop doing this?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

They sat in silence for a moment. Dean let the realization that Sam had been to their childhood town, home, many times sink in. He didn’t know if he could go once and here was Sam going every year. Why couldn’t he do that?

 

Dean cleared his throat and Sam looked over at him. “Laura said we could do an extra session for us.”

 

Dean saw a little glimmer of relief cross Sam’s face before he covered it up. “And?”

 

“And yeah. Maybe we should do that.”

 

Sam gave a little smile. “Yeah. Maybe we should.”

 

“Sam, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was just afraid you’d kick me out.”

 

“I would never do that.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Do you?”

 

“No. But I’m trying.”

 

Sam nodded. “I think you should do it.” Dean furrowed his brow. “Lawrence.”

 

“Maybe.” He looked back down at the table, his eyes traveling over the surface, and tried to picture what that would look like. All he saw was sorrow, pain, and regret. He didn’t think he could ever really go down that road.


	2. A New Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean makes a decision about Lawrence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry for the delay in updates for this part. I've been wrapped up in my story for the Dean Winchester Big Bang and my muse has been cruel lately. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter and thank you for sticking with this. <3

Dean didn’t make any plans to go to Lawrence. In fact, he pushed that idea down as deep as it would go. Down in those places where all of the things he didn’t want to see were shoved. And as usual, it was easier than he thought it would be. Of course, having back to back cases helped him some. The first case took them to Idaho. It was your regular salt and burn at an old farm. They were done within two days and back on the road less than twenty-four hours later. This time it was a nest of vamps down in Texas. All four of them made the trip this time, leaving Lola to hang out in the hotel room when they took out the vamp’s nest.  By the time they made it back to the bunker, case free, Dean had somehow managed to forget that the idea of going to Lawrence had even been brought up.

 

He hadn’t seen Donna in nearly three weeks. She was still getting things together and had spent a few days visiting Jody. He tried not to let the absence of her bother him too much. He tried not to think too hard about why it was taking her so long to wrap things up. Stillwater was her home. Of course, she would want to stay there.

 

They talked nearly every day though. Little texts here and there. Long conversations at night. They had even tried the phone sex thing a couple of times, but he missed being able to hold her. He missed being able to taste her on his tongue. Being apart from her was getting harder and harder and he had to stop himself from begging her to come back to him. Of course, there was always the option to go see her, but for some reason, he still didn’t feel okay doing that and she hadn’t asked, so there was that.

 

Dean was laying on his bed, Lola curled up at his feet. He was staring at his phone debating about whether or not to call Donna again. It would be their third conversation that day and he didn’t want to become an annoying pest. A knock on his door drew his attention away from his phone. “Come in.”

 

The door opened and Sam stepped inside. He walked over to Dean’s desk and leaned against the chair. Dean could tell that he was trying to go for casual, but he could see the nerves there. “Hey.”

 

Dean set his phone down. “What’s up?”

 

Sam crossed his arms, still trying to go for casual, but failing. “Nothing. Just wanted to say hi and see if you were doing okay?”

 

Dean swung his legs around the side of the bed. “Sam, what’s going on?”

 

Sam looked a little relieved and let the pretense go for a moment. “Okay. Just don’t get mad.”

 

“Get mad about what?”

 

Sam reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. He looked at it for a few moments, before extending it out to Dean. Dean took the sheet of paper and slowly started opening it. “So, that’s the name and phone number for the family that lives in our old house.” Dean looked up at Sam and then back down at the sheet of paper. “It’s a different family than when we, you know.” Dean stared down at the names on the sheet of paper, April and Dylan O’Brien. “They know me and they’re really nice. I mean I know that you aren’t sure if you-”

 

“So you’ve been inside the house when you go there?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Dean looked up at Sam. “Every time.”

 

“Yep.” Dean let out a little breath and looked back down. “They know who you are so…”

 

Dean sat there silently for a few minutes, just trying to process what he had been given. This family sat in the same rooms that he had played in before his life went up in smoke. This family got to live the life he was denied in the place that was his only real home until now.

 

“Dean.” He looked up and Sam, his jaw a little slack. “You don’t have to do anything with it and you don’t have to go. I just thought it was about time you knew.”

 

He closed his mouth and nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.” Dean folded up the piece of paper and held on to it.

 

Sam shoved his hands into his pockets and looked around the room for a moment. His nervousness was making Dean anxious and he was about to ask him to go when he spoke. “So, how’s Donna?”

 

“She’s good. Just finishing up things.”

 

“You should go see her.”

 

“Yeah, maybe.” Dean’s attention was drawn to the paper again. “Do you really think I should go there?”

 

“To see Donna?”

 

“No.” He held up the piece of paper.

 

“Oh.” Sam nodded. “Yeah. I do.”

 

“Do they know what we do?”

 

“No. Not entirely. I said we were private detectives.”

 

“Oh.” Dean licked his lips. “Do they have kids?”

 

“Yeah, two little girls.” Dean looked down at the piece of paper, his hands trembling slightly. “I can go with you if you want.”

 

Dean looked up at Sam and smiled. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Um...I haven’t scheduled our group session yet.”

 

“I figured.”

 

“I’m going to though. I see her tomorrow and I’ll bring it up then.”

 

“Dean, I know you will. I don’t doubt you.”

 

“Well, that makes one of us.”

 

Sam stepped away from the desk. “Someday I hope you can give yourself the credit you deserve.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Me too.”

 

“Well, I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing.” He gestured toward the paper. “Just consider it.” Dean nodded and Sam gave him a little wave as he left the room.

 

Dean turned the piece of paper over and over in his hand. Maybe he was supposed to do this. Maybe it was what he needed.

 

***

 

Dean sat on that old familiar couch listening to Laura run through her usual check-in questions. He smiled, nodded or gave her an affirmative or negative response to each question as they went by. Lola was snoring on the dog bed at his feet. She looked so at ease. So comfortable. And that’s when it really hit him. This place that had become so familiar, so comforting, would soon be just another memory he would keep locked away in that little box inside his mind.

 

“You okay, Dean?’’

  


He shook his head, bringing his attention back to the room. “Yeah. Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” She crossed her legs. “How are things with Sam and Cas?”

 

“Getting better. Sam and I are talking.” Dean shifted in his seat. “In fact, Sam and I, well I think we need to...Sam and I want to have one more session together.”

 

She smiled and he saw that old familiar warmth in her eyes. A warmth he suddenly felt sad about. “That’s good news, Dean.” He gave her a quick smile. She opened up her appointment book. “Shall we make it for two weeks?”

 

“Yeah, okay. I mean I’ll check with Sam and if he needs to-”

 

“Just call.” Dean nodded and she closed her appointment book and opened up that trusted notebook. He noticed that the corners looked a little worn, the edges turned down and there were little indents on the cover. His eyes watched as her hands turned the pages of the notebook, her fingers skimming the pages. All of his visits were written down on those pages. All the words he had spoken in here. The secrets he had shared. All of it in a worn out notebook. “So, have you done any work on your dad since I last saw you?”

 

Dean quickly composed himself as she looked up at him. “Not really.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“Because I don’t want to.” He let out a nervous chuckle and she gave him a smile.

 

“Do you want to try maybe pretending that I’m your dad?”

 

“I don’t want to...I don’t want to yell at you.”

 

She leaned forward, closing the notebook on her lap. “Dean, you wouldn’t be yelling at me. I wouldn’t take it personally. I promise.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Dean, this is a safe space.” It always had been and that thought made him want to cry.

 

He blinked his eyes a couple of times and swallowed. “Can we...I’m not ready just yet.”

 

“Okay.” She sat back. “What would you like to talk about?”

 

“Sam’s been back to Lawrence.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, he told me he goes once a year.”

 

“How did that make you feel?”

 

“Weird. Angry. Tired.”

 

“Why tired?”

 

“Because we constantly lie to each other. It’s almost like breathing.”

 

“Do you know why he lied to you?”

 

“Because he thought I would get angry.” He let out a little chuckle. “Which I guess he was right, but I’m not angry at him for going. Hell, I’m not even angry at him for lying to me about it.”

 

“Then what are you angry at him for?”

 

“I’m not angry at him at all.” Dean looked down. “I’m angry at myself.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because the idea of going out there scares the hell out of me. Because I’m not strong enough.”

 

“Dean, you’re stronger than you know.”

 

“Then why can’t I go back there?”

 

“Because it’s scary to see what you lost. Sam was a baby when your mom died, you weren’t. You knew what it was like to have her around.”

 

Dean felt the shame of those words course through him. “I’m sorry.”

 

She furrowed her brow. “Why are you sorry?”

 

“Because I shouldn’t be upset. I got that normal. Sam never did.”

 

“No, Dean, I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. I’m just trying to tell you that it might be harder for you to go back there. That’s all.”

 

“You really think going back there would help me?”

 

“I think letting go of it would and I think going back there could help you do that.”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe I should just do it. Bite the bullet.” He leaned back on the couch. “Sam said he’d go with me.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. I think that would be good.” She shifted in her seat and he waited for the but to come. “But maybe you could take Donna with you.”

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t get me wrong, Sam would be great support too, but it might be good to have someone there who wasn’t...who wasn’t connected to it.”

 

“I don’t know if I can do that to her. I mean Sam knows and he’s been there and-”

 

“And you might go into big brother mode if he’s there.” Dean stared at her, his mouth drawn into a tight line. He knew she was right, but he didn’t want to admit that. “Dean, I just think it might be better if you have someone there that you don’t share that history with.”

 

“What if Sam gets mad?”

 

“I don’t think he will.”

 

“But if he does?”

 

“If he does, then you deal with it. You can do it.”

 

Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the piece of paper Sam had given him. “There’s a family there now. A husband and wife and there two little girls.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“I’m scared of seeing a happy family there.”

 

“That’s understandable.”

 

He held the paper up. “Their names and numbers are on here and I can’t seem to put this piece of paper away.” He put his hand down, his fingers playing with the corners of the paper. “Guess that probably means something, right?”

 

“What do you think?”

 

“I think I’m scared of seeing that house again. I think I’m scared not to.” He sighed and placed the piece of paper in his jean pocket. “So, Donna?” Laura nodded. “Yeah. Maybe.”“

 

“I’m proud of you, Dean.”

 

“You always say that.”

 

“Well, it’s true. It’s a big step.” He nodded. “So, are you ready to talk some more about your dad?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Great.”

 

Dean ran his hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. “So how does this work? Do I just call you my dad or…”

 

“However you want to do it.” He nodded, but still had no clue what he was supposed to do. “Just tell me whatever you would like to tell your dad.”

 

“About anything?”

 

“Why don’t we start with after your mom died, when you weren’t talking that much. What would you like your dad, to know?”

 

Dean cleared his throat and tried to not feel incredibly uncomfortable, but it didn’t work. “I just...this is weird.”

 

“I know, but it usually will get easier as you go along.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” Dean licked his lips, looked down at Lola sleeping on the floor, and then looked back up at Laura. He tried to remember that it wasn’t her he was going to be talking to. Tried to remember this was his dad. He could say anything he needed to. He cleared his throat again, wiped his hands on his jeans, and continued. “I just…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes again he still only saw Laura sitting there, that ever hopeful and understanding look on his face. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, Dean. You don’t need to try so hard.” She set the notebook aside and leaned forward a little bit. “How about we start like this. I want you to imagine that you are four years old again.” Dean nodded but felt his chest tighten a bit and his stomach flip. “Now, what do you need from your dad at this time?”

 

“Um...I just need him to be my dad.”

 

“Okay, and what does that look like.”

 

Dean crossed his arms and worried his bottom lip. “Like comfort.”

 

“Comfort. That’s good. And did you get that from your dad then.”

 

Dean looked down shame at what he was about to say coursing through him. “No. Not really.”

 

“That must have hurt.” Dean shrugged. “What would you want to tell your dad about that time.”

 

“I...I would just want to ask him why.”

 

“Why what?”

 

“Why my mom died. Why we have to leave. Why we can’t just stay in one place.” Dean continued to look down, worried to look up while he said these words. Words that he had kept locked inside for years and years.

 

“That’s good, Dean. Now, can you look at me and say what you would’ve said to your dad? Pretend I’m him.”

 

Dean took in a few steadying breaths, swallowed down the fear inside, and looked up. He tried to wash away the face he saw before him. Tried to bring his memory back to that time. Back to those years on the road. He glanced up at the ceiling, counted to ten in his head and looked back down. To his surprise, it worked. He knew that it was Laura. Knew it in his head. But he could somehow see his father there as well. “Dad, I...I want to know why. Why she died?”

 

“Accidents happen, Dean. I’m sorry.”

 

“That’s not good enough.”

 

“That’s all I can say right now.”

 

Dean felt his lower lip shaking and he really didn’t want to cry. He cried too much in here. He steadied himself and sat up straighter, taller, stronger. “You’re supposed to protect us. You’re supposed to let us be kids.” Dean swallowed. “Why didn’t you protect us? Why didn’t you let me stay a child?” Dean closed his eyes, fighting back those tears that were still clawing their way out. He kept his eyes closed as he continued talking, “Why can’t we go home, Dad?”

“Because it’s too hard for me to be there.”

 

“But I need to be there. I need my bed. I need a home. Sam needs a home. We all do.” Dean opened his eyes, not caring about the moisture behind them. “You were supposed to take care of us. You were supposed to be our parent. I wasn’t supposed to be a parent. I was just a child. I just wanted to be a child.” The first teardrop fell and he knew that the rest would soon follow. He stopped caring. “I needed you not drink. To not make me pick up all the broken pieces. I needed to not feel the burden of your pain and grief. I needed to be able to talk to you.”

 

Laura cocked her head to the side and though he knew it was her, he saw his dad’s face. Saw the disappointment and hardness to it. The grief that had destroyed the father he only briefly knew. “Why do you drink so much?”

 

“Because sometimes it’s easier to numb the pain.”

 

“I could never do it. It was always there for me, Dad. Always. Like a damn second skin that I could never shed.” Dean wiped away a stray tear and looked toward the window. “I was always scared. Every single day. But I couldn’t tell you because I thought you’d hate me.” He let out a humorless laugh. “Hell, I still think you hate me.”

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

“Because I could feel it. The way you would look through me sometimes. The way you treated me like I was a soldier and nothing more. You never looked at Sam that way. I just wish I knew what I did to make you hate me so much.” Without realizing it, Dean started pulling his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapping around his legs tightly. “I was hurting too. We all were. And I was a good kid. I was a damn good kid. I deserved better.” Dean closed his eyes and felt the tears falling and falling, his jeans catching every drop.

 

“Dean?” He kept his eyes closed. Not wanting to open them and see his dad again. Not wanting to see that disappointment and fear. He started rocking back and forth. “Dean, it’s Laura. Can you open your eyes?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t want to see him” His hands and his shoulder started shaking.

 

“Okay. We can stop now. Your dad isn’t here.” Laura reached out a hand and lightly touched his shoulder. Dean jumped a little and opened his eyes. He saw Laura this time. No dad. No disappointment. “It’s me, Dean.”

 

Dean wiped his face and nodded. “I know.”

 

“I’m gonna get you some water.” A few seconds later Dean felt a cool bottle in his hand. “You’re safe, Dean.”

He slowly released his grip on his legs and opened the bottle of water. “I’m never safe.” He felt something a little wet against his hand and he looked down to see Lola’s head on his feet, her eyes looking up at him. He tried to give her a reassuring smile as he reached his hand down and started to pet her, but his mouth seemed frozen in a frown. Lola looked at him with worry and he wished he could remember how to help her.

 

Laura continued to talk to him. Continued to tell him how proud she was and he tried to listen. Tried to remind himself that this was important information. After all, the last session would be there soon. The last session and he would be going out with a bang. Just another huge jar of pain and horror opened up before he got a chance to learn how to heal it and let it close for good. Just another chapter he screwed up before it was even complete

 

***

 

While they drove back to the bunker, Lola kept her head on the seat, looking at him from the backseat. She was awash with concern and worry for him and he wanted to put her mind at ease. He decided to take her to one of their new favorite places, a local dog park they had recently discovered.

 

Dean parked the car and was relieved to find the park empty. It wasn’t that Lola didn’t like the other dogs, but it was the way people would react to her. Some people would be okay, but others would grab their dogs and hurry out of the park, each one gives him a look laced with anger and he wanted to yell at each one of them. Wanted to tell them that the only thing Lola would ever do was attack them with kisses. Their ignorance broke his heart every time, but as usual, Lola would just keep grinning, her tail constantly wagging.

 

Dean took a seat on a park bench and dug out a ball from his pocket. He threw it for a few times until she lost interest, her nose taking her on a journey. He imagined each sniff would bring her new information about some dog that had ventured there in the past. He watched her for a few minutes. She looked so happy, that smile easing his heart and he smiled back at her. The first time since his session that he had been able to really do that.

 

Lola was busy sniffing a tree, the sunlight hitting her back in such a way that almost looked like she had an angelic glow to her. Dean quickly took out his phone and snapped a picture. He sent the picture to Donna. A couple of seconds letter he heard the chime on his phone. He smiled at the text.

 

Donna: I miss her. I miss you.

 

Dean ran his finger over her name and then pressed the call button. She picked up before the first ring had even finished. “Hey, you.”

 

“Hey yourself.”

 

“So, did the people leave again?”

 

“No. We were the only ones here when we arrived.”

 

“She looks like she’s having fun.”

 

“Yeah. She’s constantly smiling.”

 

“Wish we could all be like that.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Did you have therapy today?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How was it?”

 

“It was good.” He could hear the lie in his tone and he rubbed his head and let out a sigh. “It was hard. It was really hard.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No.” He let out a shaky breath. “I want to see you.”

 

“I know. I want to see you too.”

 

“Donna, would you…” He didn’t know why this was so hard for him. He should be able to ask her this. He needed to.

 

“What is it, Dean?”

 

“Will you go to Lawrence with me?”

 

There was a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch out for days. He wanted to walk the words back. Wanted to hang up, grab Lola, and run. Finally, Donna spoke. “You...you want to take me to Lawrence?”

 

“Yeah,” he said just above a whisper.

 

“Wow.”

 

“You don’t have to, though. I just thought that-”

 

“I’d be honored.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” He felt a little bit of the tension ease in him, but the idea of going to Lawrence still scarred. Still tied his stomach in knots. “But only if you’re really okay with it.”

 

“I honestly don’t know if I’m okay going there.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “But I know I’m okay with you going with me.” And he really was.

 

“Then I’ll be there with you.”

 

“I love you, Donna.”

 

“I love you too, Dean.” He smiled and looked out across at Lola. She picked her head up and gave him that goofy grin her eyes blinking against the sun.

  
  
  



	3. Layover in Stillwater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reunites with Donna in Stillwater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally back to writing this story. I apologize for the long delay. Writing for the Dean Winchester Big Bang took all of my creative energy. Feel free to go check out the story I wrote for it, Hold Back the River (my little shameless plug there). Anyway, this is a very, very short chapter just to get the story back up and to get my mind back into it. I am going to try and update this at least every other week from now until it is finished. Thank you again for reading and sorry it took so long to update. <3

After several arguments about it being a waste of gas and time, Dean had convinced Donna to let him come up to Stillwater to pick her up for their trip to Lawrence. She had called him stubborn and kept insisting that she could come down there no problem. He had finally managed to persuade her after promising that he would finally go do karaoke with her, even saying he could sing  _ Faithfully _ again. 

 

The truth was, he needed to go to Stillwater first. He needed to postpone the trip as long as possible. There was even a part of him that was hoping that just by visiting Donna, he wouldn’t need to go to Lawrence. He knew it made no sense, but he had to try.

 

He was sitting behind the wheel, heading up the highway, Lola sitting in the back, her head hanging out the window. Dean had debated about whether or not to take her, but in the end, he figured she probably missed Donna just as much as he did. This theory of his seemed to be proven true when he asked Lola if she wanted to go see Donna and her tail began wagging a million miles an hour. 

 

When he was about ten minutes from Donna’s, he spotted a little flower shop on the corner and decided that this time he would stop and get her flowers. He picked up a dozen red and white roses. Yeah, it may have been cheesy, but he wanted to be cheesy. He wanted to be romantic. He wanted Donna to smile brightly when she saw them, maybe even blush slightly. 

 

He got to Donna’s about an hour before sundown and Lola let out a little excited yelp when she saw that they were pulling into her driveway. He had to admit that he was even tempted to let out a little yelp.

 

He leashed Lola, grabbed the flowers and slung his bag over his shoulder. He did a quick breath check before making his way up to her door. He was about to knock when the door swung open and Donna’s smiling face greeted him. She was in jeans, a white sweater, her hair cut a little shorter than the last time he saw her, and she was beaming. Just beaming at him. He felt his heart swell a little and all he wanted was to pull her into a kiss. 

 

Before Dean had a chance to do just that, Lola cut in front of him, insisting on getting the first bit of affection. Donna knelt down and started petting Lola. “Hey, girl. Miss me?” She responded by showering Donna with Kisses. Donna giggled and stood back up. “Hey, Dean.”

 

“Hey, you.” He pulled her into his arms, gave her a quick kiss, and then pulled back, handing her the roses. “For you.”

 

She blushed slightly, just like he had pictured, and held the flowers up to her nose, taking a deep breath. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” 

 

“You’re welcome.” They stood looking at each other for a moment before Donna finally stood back and motioned them inside. 

 

Dean followed Donna inside, setting his bag by the sofa. Donna took the flowers into the kitchen to put them in some water and Lola followed close behind. 

 

Dean watched from the doorway as Donna placed the flowers in a vase and gave Lola a few cookies, before letting her out into the backyard. She placed the flowers on the dining room table, admired them for a moment, and then turned her attention back to Dean. “I missed you.”

 

Dean walked toward her. “Not as much as I missed you.” He ran a finger through her hair. “You cut your hair.”

 

She touched it self-consciously, a slight look of embarrassment on her face. “It’s too short.”

 

Dean shook his head, leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss. “You look beautiful.” She grinned sweetly at him and he pulled her tightly to him and gave her another kiss, this one deeper. He pulled back and let out a contented sigh. “You taste like strawberries.”

 

She chuckled. “That’s desert.”

 

He wiggled his eyebrows and pulled her tightly against his body. “You’re desert?”

 

She playfully hit him. “Strawberry cheesecake is desert.”

 

“Mm..” He bent his head down and started placing kisses on Donna’s neck. “Sounds almost as good as you.”

 

“Yeah, it’s an old family recipe.” Dean sucked on her earlobe and she let out a little moan. 

 

“Can’t wait to taste it.” He placed another kiss behind her ear, his hands moving around to her rear. “Maybe after I taste you.” He gave her a little squeeze and ran his tongue down her neck toward her cleavage. He was about to unbutton the top, hopefully with his teeth, when they were interrupted by Lola scratching on the back door. 

 

“Dean…”

 

“She’s okay.” He started to undo one button when Donna gently pushed on his shoulder. Dean let out a little grown, which caused Donna to laugh, and went to the door. Lola looked up at him, a big grin on her face. Dean pointed his finger at her. “You’re lucky you’re so damn cute.” She cocked her head to the side before walking past him, making a beeline for Donna. 

 

Donna opened up a cupboard, pulling out a little bag of dog food, and knelt down to fill up Lola’s dish. “There ya go, sweetie.” Donna stood back up and looked over at Dean. “Are you hungry?” Dean cocked his eyebrow, licking his lips, and gave her a little wink. She blushed slightly. “I meant for dinner.” 

 

He shrugged and walked back over to her. “I guess I could eat.” He placed his hands on her hips and she placed a hand on his neck, her fingers carding through his hair. They kissed, mouths parting and tongues exploring, tasting. It was everything he missed and everything he needed. Dean wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him. 

 

Donna broke off the kiss, her voice a little breathy. “It’s just ham sandwiches.” She looked down at his mouth, her finger reached out to trace his lip. “It’ll keep.” Dean sucked on her finger, grinning wickedly at her.

 

Dean picked her up and carried Donna down the hallway. He shut the door behind them, letting her down. He cupped her face in his hands and gave her a quick kiss. 

 

They smiled at each other and in that smile, something broke. The weeks apart, the love they shared, the fact that they were able to touch, feel, taste, came crashing down on them and within seconds their clothes were discarded, limbs entwined, and every inch of skin they could reach, they touched. It was quick. But it was what they both needed. It was what Dean desperately needed. 

 

They collapsed back on the bed, both gasping for air, sweat covering their skin. Dean turned his head toward Donna, his finger tracing her jawline. He gave her a quick peck on the nose. “I love you, Donna.”

 

“Love you, Dean Winchester.” He leaned down and gave her a kiss.

 

They slept for maybe two hours that night. The rest of the time they spent exploring each other, making love, eating, laughing, and just being. It was relaxing. It was comforting. It was everything Dean needed, but he knew it was going to end soon. He knew they had to leave that cocoon of Donna’s room eventually. 

 

***

 

The sun was rising, rays cascading across Donna’s sleeping body. There was a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. Dean was sitting up in bed just admiring her. He still couldn’t believe he got to do this. He got to lie with pure sunshine. 

 

Dean glanced over at the bedside table. It was just after six and he supposed he should wake her up. Wake Lola, who was soundly sleeping on the dog bed on the floor. Make them all breakfast. Map out the best path to Lawrence. Pack the car and prepare to leave. But Dean couldn’t make himself do that. He wasn’t ready yet. He just wanted to linger in this moment for as long as possible. 

 

That long as possible lasted for ten more minutes. An alarm sounded on Donna’s cell phone and before Dean could grab it and turn it off, maybe chuck it across the room, Donna stretched, and turned it off. Lola jumped up, pawing at Dean, her eyes hopeful for breakfast. And with that, the moment was over. The respite was going to come to an end. He felt like crying. 

 

“I’ll make us some coffee and feed Lola.” Donna gave Dean a quick kiss between his shoulder blades and he smiled at her, watching as she pulled a robe on and Lola trotted after her, her tail wagging. 

 

Dean stayed in bed for several more minutes, his body almost frozen, before he pulled together all the willpower he had left, and headed out to the kitchen. 

 

Donna was cracking a couple of eggs into a hot pan, humming to herself. She looked happy. So happy and he wished he could bathe in it. He wished he could let it drive his fear away. 

 

Dean leaned up against the doorway, crossing his arms, and smiled. A smile he didn’t quite feel, but he would try his best. “Now if that isn’t the most beautiful site in the world.” He couldn’t see her face, but he felt Donna’s smile. 

 

She turned her head to the side, grinned brightly at him. “Hey, there. Decide to finally emerge from bed?”

 

Dean sauntered over to her. “We could always go back. Take breakfast with us.” He placed his hands on her hips, pulling her flush to him. “There are still a few things I didn’t get to taste last night.” He kissed her neck. 

 

Donna giggled, a little breathy giggle that shot right to his heart. “Oh, I highly doubt that.”

 

Dean smiled against her skin. “I like to go back for seconds.” He snaked his arm around to her front, reaching for the tie on her robe, she leaned her head back, closed her eyes for a second before she seemed to somehow snap out of whatever blissed out state she was in. 

 

She pulled her body away from him, taking his hand. “Dean, we can’t.”

 

He wasn’t ready to give up yet. “Oh, I’ve always been a believer in a good can do attitude.” 

 

She wasn’t going to fall for it. She wasn’t going to let him hide away. She turned in his arms, placing her arms around his neck. “I know what you’re doing.”

 

Dean scanned her face for a second, before looking down. “I’m just trying to get my girlfriend naked.”

 

Donna placed her finger under his chin, gently lifting his face up. “I’ll be there with you. The whole time.”

 

Dean swallowed and let out a shaky breath. The last strings of that escape vanishing before him. He slowly pulled himself away from Donna, leaning up against the kitchen counter. “What if they’re evil?”

 

“Then we deal with it.” Donna plated the eggs. 

 

Dean glanced toward Lola, laying on the floor by the back door, her body lit up by the sun. “What if they don’t like dogs?”

 

Donna walked over to him. “Then we take Lola somewhere else.” Dean looked down at the floor. Donna placed a hand on his shoulder. “Breakfast is getting cold.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek before heading over to the table. He watched her for a moment before joining her.

 

Donna started talking about the food she had bought for the trip. Motels she had looked up, which made Dean grateful. There was no way he could stay in his old house. And they planned the trip. Planned the journey back home. Dean’s whole body tensing more and more with each ticking minute. 

  
  
  
  
  



	4. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Donna arrive in Lawrence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for the long delay. It has been a weird time for me and I couldn't find the motivation, or inspiration, to write this. But I think I am finally feeling it again and I hope it stays that way for a long time. I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Thank you to anyone who is still sticking with this story. It means the world to me. <3

The drive to Lawrence was a lot shorter than Dean wanted it to be. He even tried to keep the Impala under the speed limit and he stopped at almost every rest stop along the way. Donna knew what he was doing, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she tried to distract him. Even trying to get him to play car games like I spy and the license plate game. But no matter how hard she tried, he couldn’t settle the racing thoughts in his head. What would he be walking into when he stepped foot into that home? What life would the O’Brien family be leading? Would it be the life he should have led?

 

They got into Lawrence a little after seven that night. Too late to go by the house, Dean insisted and he was grateful when Donna agreed. They picked up some take-out and headed back to their motel. Donna passed out pretty much right after finishing her burger and Lola followed shortly after. 

 

Dean sat in a chair, watching them sleep. These two amazing beings that he loved more than he thought possible. His girls. His loves. He counted their breaths; in and out. He tried to let those steady breaths calm his nerves, but even that wasn’t working like it had in the past and after about an hour of watching them inhale and exhale, he begin to feel like a bit of a creeper. 

 

He was too anxious to sleep, even though he felt the exhaustion of the drive in every muscle of his body. He stretched, wrote a quick note for Donna, and headed out to Baby. 

 

Once he was behind the wheel, Dean froze. He had no idea where he thought he was going. He had cut out bars. He was determined to stick to that. There was no way he was going to put Donna through the pain of having to drag his drunk ass out of some hole in the wall. After a minute of staring straight ahead at the motel’s flickering “vacancy” sign, Dean turned the key in the ignition and drove off into the night.

 

Where Dean ended up shouldn’t have surprised him. It was the only logical place his subconscious would’ve taken him. But still, stopping in front of that house, in front of the place where his childhood died, made his breath hitch. He stopped across the street and swallowed. It looked normal. No family to save like the last time. Just normal and quiet, for the most part. There was the faint glow of a TV in the upstairs bedroom. The bedroom that was his parents. He let out a shaky breath and pulled his eyes away from the window. 

 

His eyes landed on the front of the house. Nice lawn. The siding looked fairly new. There were a couple of chairs on the small patio and there was a little bike, training wheels in the back, a little pink basket on the front. Dean’s heart clenched. He knew they had kids. He knew he should’ve been prepared for seeing the evidence of that. But it still hurt. It still tugged at some little thread inside that he was afraid to pull at.

 

Dean quickly looked away, took in a few deep breaths, and shook his head. “I never should’ve come here.” He turned the key in the ignition and quickly drove off. 

 

Dean didn’t head back to the mote right away. Instead, he drove down the city streets that he used to drive down with his mom and dad. He slowed down when he passed by the parks that he played at. He even drove by the garage that his dad worked at. That one stung more than the other places and he couldn’t quite explain why. 

 

After about two hours of driving up and down the old familiar streets, Dean decided to return to the motel. He was grateful when he walked in and saw that Donna and Lola were both still asleep. He knelt down next to Donna and kissed her temple. He then gave Lola a quick pet before heading into the small bathroom. 

 

Once behind the closed door, Dean stripped down and turned on the shower. He stood under the water and let it sluice down his body, over the tense muscles long drive. Let it cleanse him. Tried to let it wash away all the fear, anger, and sorrow that coming home had brought him. He tried till the water became ice cold. Tried till his fingers resembled prunes. Tried till he couldn’t try anymore. 

 

***

 

Dean woke up to an empty bed and a note on his pillow from Donna. She had taken Lola for a walk and was bringing breakfast back. Dean checked the bedside clock; a quarter after nine. He had finally gotten into bed a little after four that morning. He supposed five hours of sleep was better than he could’ve ever hoped for. 

 

Dean squinted and looked around the room. Donna’s suitcase was placed neatly next to his. Lola’s water dish on the floor, her food bowl sitting empty next to it. It was almost too domestic for a little motel room in Lawrence. Lawrence. Dean was in Lawrence. He instantly felt his body tense, all his muscles tightening at once, and he felt a ball of anxiety and bitterness and suddenly all he wanted to do was grab the suitcases, throw them in the car, and leave Lawrence behind for good.

 

Instead, Dean willed himself to get out of bed and headed toward the tiny bathroom. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, and dressed in the nicest pair of jeans he had brought, no noticeable blood or other stains he couldn’t explain, and a dark blue plaid shirt. He leaned over the tiny sink studying his reflection, turning his face side to side, he looked clean. Looked presentable. Didn’t look like a man who hunted for a living or who had lost every shred of normalcy in this town. 

 

By the time Dean exited the bathroom Donna had returned, coffee and donuts in hand. She smiled brightly at him and handed him a tall steaming cup of joe and a chocolate donut. Dean’s stomach growled again, but his mouth suddenly tasted sour and he had to force the coffee down.

 

Donna watched him for a moment, her eyes tracking his movements as he forced another sip of coffee down and a bite of donut. After a minute she set down her cup of coffee and gave him a quick smile. “You look nice.”

 

Dean looked down at his shirt and jeans and shrugged. “Thanks.” There was a harsh tone in his voice that he didn’t expect. A tone that he hated. A tone that made Donna frown. 

 

They sat down at the little table in the corner, and Dean watched as Donna picked at her cruller, her blonde hair pulled back into a tight ponytail and her eyebrows crinkled in that concerned look that always made Dean’s stomach turn. He felt that harsh tone turn into annoyance. He sighed and sat back in the chair. “What, Donna?”

 

He saw her wince, but she quickly covered it up with a little smile and a shrug, setting her donut down. “Where did you go last night?” She swallowed and he saw all the concern and fear there.

 

“For a drive.” Donna nodded, looking down at the table, and he saw the doubt there. It made him sad. Made him angry. “Donna, I wasn’t drinking.”

 

She continued to look down at the table. “Oh, I know.” She didn’t believe him. He could tell. 

 

Dean leaned forward. “I wasn’t drinking.”

 

“Okay.” She still looked like she doubted him and it took all his willpower not to crumble over that. 

 

“You want to do a breathalyzer or something?” She gave him a look he had never seen before. A look he never wanted to see again. 

 

She crossed her arms and he was surprised at how friendly her voice sounded when she finally spoke. “I was just worried. That’s all.”

 

Dean sighed. “I drove by the house.” 

 

“How was that?” Dean could hear the hesitation in her voice like the question might be inappropriate. 

 

Dean took a sip of coffee and grimaced. “Oddly normal.” Dean looked down at the table. “Almost like nothing horrible had ever happened there.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Donna reached her hand out to him, gently squeezing his hand. He looked up at her and saw that love that never seemed to leave her eyes and he felt unworthy. 

 

Dean shrugged, pulling his hand away and she frowned. “Don’t be. It’s just a house.”

 

“Yeah, but it was your house. It was… “ Donna looked down.

 

“You can say it. It’s where she died.” Donna looked up at him, an apologetic frown on her face. 

 

“Dean, you don’t have to be strong for me.”

 

Dean took a sip of coffee. “I know.”

 

“I’m serious.” 

 

Dean let out an exasperated sigh and felt annoyance taking over. “I know, Donna, okay.” She sat back in her chair and he felt like an ass. “Look, I’m sorry, okay. It was just a long drive. That’s all.” 

 

“Dean-”

 

“You know what, I told them that we’d be there around noon. We better get ready.” Dean stood up, clearing off the table before Donna could get in her words of protest. 

 

“Yeah, I’ll take a quick shower.” Dean nodded his head as he dumped out the half-drunk cup of coffee, his back to her. 

 

Once the bathroom door was closed, he collapsed against the counter, letting out a stuttering breath. “Keep it together. Just keep it together.”

 

***

 

Dean was on edge. His teeth clenched tight and his hands clutching the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white. He could feel Donna’s nerves across the seat, her eyes sneaking little glances at him, trying for small talk as they headed toward his childhood home. Dean offered little grunts or single words in the form of answers or responses to whatever Donna was talking about. 

 

Lola even seemed a little unsure of him. She was seated behind Donna, barely looking at him and not even glancing out the window much. Dean hated himself for making them feel this way, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He felt like he was driving down some dark road that would end suddenly and he would go careening off a cliff. 

 

They pulled up in front of the house, his old house, about five minutes before noon. He swallowed, his throat constricting and his palms sweating. He suddenly wished he had grabbed his anxiety medication like Donna had suggested. 

 

“Dean?” He blinked and looked over at her. She offered him a nervous smile. “You okay?”

 

Dean let out a shaky breath before quickly sitting up straighter, hardening himself like he would before a hunt. “I’m fine. Ready?” Donna gave him a questioning look before finally nodding and opening her door. Dean sat there for a moment watching as Donna leashed Lola, before getting out of the car and heading for the trunk. 

 

Donna knitted her brow and looked at him. “What are you doing?”

 

Dean opened the trunk of the car, lifted up the secret compartment, and started rummaging for supplies. “Just preparing.”

 

Donna glanced back toward the house, making sure it was clear, before walking over to him and whispering. “Preparing for what?” Dean grabbed a silver knife and he heard the slight intake of Donna’s breath. “Jesus, Dean.”

 

He looked at her, his mouth turned down into a frown. “Donna, we have to be prepared for whatever might be behind that door.”

 

Donna let out a nervous laughter. “Seriously?”

 

Dean grabbed a bottle of holy water, filling his flask and holding one out to Donna. Donna just looked down at it. He sighed. “Donna, just take it.”

 

She blinked, glanced back at the house again, before looking back at him. “Dean, your brother checked them out.”

 

“Yeah, the last time he was here.” He held the flask out to her again, nearly pushing it into her hand. “Things could be different now.”

 

Donna looked down at the flask and then back up at him. “Dean, are you okay?”

 

He felt that annoyance creeping in again and he tried to tamp it down. “I’m fine. I just need you to take this.” Donna hesitated for a moment, before finally taking the flask, frowning and looking like she had failed somehow. Dean took another look in the trunk, pulling out a gun, prompting another sharp intake of breath from Donna, but this time she said nothing. Dean slammed the trunk shut, gave her a tight-lipped smile, and nodded toward the house. “Okay, let’s do this.” Donna hesitated for a minute, before giving him a quick nod and following him across the street. 

 

Dean hesitated for a second before finally knocking on the door. The door that he used to live behind. The door that used to protect him from the real world. 

 

The door opened less than a second later and they were greeted with the smiling face of a woman in her mid-thirties, with long brown hair, brown eyes and a warmth that made Dean want to turn and run. “You must be Dean and Donna.” Before they could respond she was kneeling down near Lola. Dean had to resist the urge to pull Lola away. “And this must be Lola.” April smiled at her and Lola’s tail wagged. The woman looked up at them. “She’s gorgeous.”

 

Dean tried to find some words, something normal to say, but his throat was dry. Donna gave him a quick look before speaking. “Thank you.” The woman stood up and Donna smiled, extending her hand. “You must be Mrs. O’Brien.” 

 

She chuckled and shook Donna’s hand. “Oh please, that makes me feel ancient. Call me April.” 

 

“Nice to meet you April.” 

 

“You too.” April let go of Donna’s hand and turned her attention to Dean. 

 

He just stood there, frozen like a man guarding some palace. Donna looked at him, a worried expression on her face before she covered it up with a smile. “You’ll have to excuse Dean, it was a long drive in.” Dean scowled at Donna and he instantly hated himself for it. 

 

“It’s okay. I understand.” Dean looked back at April. “I’m sure it must be really weird to be here.”

 

You have no idea. “No, it’s fine.” April cocked her head to the side and before she had a chance to respond Dean held out his hand, a silver coin in the palm. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

She hesitated for a second before shaking his hand. “You too. Why don’t you guys come in?” April gestured inside and they followed her in. 

 

Dean gestured toward the coin in his hand and Donna just gave him a questioning look. He mouthed the words, she’s clean. And Dean could see her fighting the urge to grab the coin from him. 

 

April turned her attention back to them. “My husband, Dylan, is out back. I’ll just go get him.” She gestured toward the living room. “Make yourselves at home.”

 

Dean glanced toward the living room but didn’t take a step toward it. He just stood there, frozen. The house looked different, yet entirely the same. The living room was adorned with family photos, but not his family. The overstuffed sofa sat near the window, two chairs across from it and a wood coffee table in the center of the room. Everything seemed lived in, yet clean. There were a few toys piled neatly in the corner and Dean could almost hear the laughter that used to fill these rooms.

 

Dean glanced toward the stairs and nearly felt his feet give way. Somehow they looked almost identical to the ones he had run down that night. He could almost hear the screams of his mom and smell the smoke. 

 

Donna touched his shoulder and he jumped. “You okay?”

 

Dean shrugged her off. “Stop asking me that.” She instantly looked hurt but covered it quickly. He wanted to apologize. Wanted to tell her he was scared and just needed her to hold his hand. But instead, he gestured toward the living room. “Well, let’s go make ourselves at home.” He felt Donna bristle at his cold tone, but she nodded and walked toward the sofa. 

 

They sat down, Lola sitting in between them on the floor, and Dean felt his hands shaking. Donna noticed too, but thankfully she said nothing. He quickly crossed his arms, knowing he looked awkward but wanting to push his nerves as far as way as possible. 

 

April walked in a minute later carrying a tray of drinks. Dean felt a little shot of relief at not having to find some other way to test out the holy water in his pocket. Her husband, Dylan, followed close behind. He had short brown hair, green eyes, and was wearing what Dean suspected passed as casual for him; black jeans and a button down. April smiled, setting down the tray. “This is my husband, Dylan.” Donna stood up, nudging Dean until he did the same. “This is Donna and Dean.”

 

Dylan smiled at him, the same warm smile that April had, and Dean’s urge to run intensified. “It’s nice to meet you.” He shook Donna’s hand first, giving Dean time to double check that the silver coin was still in his hand, and then moved on to Dean. Nothing happened and Dean felt the disappointment deep in his bones. 

 

They sat down, Dylan and April occupying the seats across from them. April gestured toward the tray of drinks. “I made some iced tea. I hope that’s okay.” 

 

Dean stared at the tray and the liquid in the cantina, and he got a chill down his back. What if they had poisoned it? What if they were about to end up in the bathtub, backs open and organs were taken to sell on some black market somewhere? Or maybe something worse. “Dean?” Donna had placed her hand on his shoulder and he glanced over at her. Not even realizing that he had already started moving away from her, his body leaning toward the ice tea like he was examining it. He saw the hurt flash across her eyes as she slowly pulled her hand away.

 

Dean shook his head and leaned back, deciding against all his instincts to trust that maybe the tea was good. Of course, he would make sure their hosts drank first. “Tea is fine.” They all looked at him for a moment like they were waiting for him do something crazy, so he tried to give them a smile while relaxing back on the couch. 

 

April poured four glasses and Dean placed a hand on Donna’s knee, gently squeezing. She looked at him and he mouthed the word, wait. Thankfully, she didn’t take a sip. Dean set his glass down. “You know what, we like sugar in our tea.”

 

April clasped her hands together. “Oh, of course, I’ll go get you some.” She stood and Dean tried to think of some way to get the husband to follow. 

 

“You know what, I forgot to tell your wife that it needs to be Sweet ‘N Low.” Dean smiled at Dylan, trying to make it as sincere as possible. 

 

“I’ll just go let her know.”

 

“Thanks.” Dean waited a minute and as soon as he was out of sight, he quickly pulled out his flask, reached across the table, and put a few splashes of the water in their cups. He leaned back against the couch cushions, setting the flask inside his pocket, and he felt Donna’s eyes on him. He looked back at her and swallowed. She looked scared, worried, and so sad. Dean blinked and looked away. “You should act normal. Don’t want them to get suspicious.” He saw Donna shake her head out of the corner of his eye before she plastered on a smile and looked back toward the kitchen. 

 

April and Dylan returned, a couple packets of Sweet ‘N Low in hand. She handed them to Dean and he smiled, opening a packet and handing another one to Donna. Once the sugar was in their drinks, Dean lifted up his glass. “To new friends.” 

 

April and Dylan lifted their glasses up and Donna followed suit after stealing another sad glance at Dean. April beamed, “To new friends.” They clinked glasses and Dean set his hand on Donna’s knee again, stopping her from taking a sip of her’s. He watched as Dylan and April took a sip, waited for a second, and then felt the disappointment when nothing happened. Donna let out a sigh of relief and took a huge drink of her tea. Dean just held on to his. 

 

Donna glanced around the room. “Your home is so beautiful.”

 

“Thank you,” April said. “Dylan did most of the decorating. He’s an architect.”

 

“Oh. That’s great.” 

 

Dean looked over toward a bookshelf in the corner, his eyes landing on a photo featuring April, Dylan, and two little girls. “So where are the kids?”

 

Dylan gestured toward the stairs. “Upstairs playing.”

 

“How old are they?”

 

“Sasha is eight and Heather is four.” Older than Sam was the last time they fell asleep in this house. 

 

Dean set down his untouched iced tea. “So I gotta ask you something’?” Donna’s head snapped toward him, and he was pretty sure that her face was shrouded in fear. Dylan and April looked back and forth between each other before nodding at Dean. “Don’t you think it’s weird that my brother and I keep coming here?”

 

April let out a little chuckle. “You mean, why would we let some strangers into our home?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean looked down at the table. “Especially with what Sam must have told you.”

 

Dylan spoke up this time. “We knew what happened in this house before we bought it.” Dean’s eyes shot up at that. “We researched the property. Saw the public records about the …” He hesitated for a moment, looking embarrassed to have to say it. “And when Sam showed up I was a little taken aback. Scared even.” Dylan took April’s hand, squeezing it gently. “But then he told us about how he thought he had lost you and that he just wanted to make his peace with this place.” Did Sam say all that? “So, after a dinner at a restaurant across town, I decided that I’d let him look around.” Dylan shrugged. “And we hit it off.”

 

Dean swallowed. Once again feeling like he had missed some huge chapter of his life. Feeling like he had been kept in the dark for so long about something so mundane, so normal, so simple, yet so painful. “Can I use your bathroom?”

 

“Sure. It’s the third door-”

 

“On the right.” Dean looked toward the stairs.”

 

Dylan gave him a sad smile. “Right.” 

 

Dean smiled and stood up, handing Lola’s leash to Donna. She took it, but then he heard her drop it, excusing herself. 

 

Her hand was on his back as he started ascending the stairs. “Hey, you okay?”

 

Dean pulled away from her, hating the rejection on her face, and nodded. “Right as rain.” He gave her a tight smile and headed up the stairs. He felt her eyes on him all the way until he reached the top.

 

Dean locked the bathroom door behind him and collapsed against it, his breath shaky. What the hell was he doing here? Why the hell did Sammy come here all the time? Why were they friends? 

 

He stood there for a few minutes, trying to steady his breathing. Trying not to let the panic that was scratching at his mind take over. He washed his hands, gave his reflection one last look, and headed out. 

 

Dean heard the children’s laughter the second he stepped out of the bathroom. He followed the sound to a bedroom, his old bedroom. He peeked inside and saw Sasha and Heather holding some tea party. They looked up at him and he was shocked to see no fear. He waved at them. The older one, Sasha, spoke up. “Do you want some tea?” She held up the little teapot. 

 

He smiled, feeling tears trying to come. “No, thank you. Your parents already gave me some tea.” She smiled at him and returned to her tea party. 

 

Dean slowly backed out of the room, his eyes focusing on their room, his room, until he bumped into a wall. He quickly turned and ran down the stairs. He ran through the foyer. Ran out the door before he could even think about how it looked. Think about how he was breaking that steel resolve he had to be strong against all that tried to break him. 

 

He ran, hearing the voice of Donna behind him. He stopped when he came to the car. His hands coming to rest on top of the hood. 

 

Donna’s hand came to rest between his shoulder blades. “Dean?” He wanted to lean into her touch. He wanted to turn around and hold her. But he couldn’t make his body move. 

 

He closed his eyes. “Go get Lola.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“We’re leaving.”

 

“Baby, why don’t you just-”

 

Dean swiveled around. She took a few steps back, her hand in midair. “We’re leaving. Now.” He set his jaw. His mouth turned down into a frown. 

 

She stared at him, her mouth slightly ajar, and he could see the tears in her eyes. God, he hated himself. “Okay. Fine. I’ll go get Lola.”

 

“Donna.” He tried to reach out to her, but she pulled away, heading across the street. He watched as she gave April and Dylan some explanation. Watched as they snuck worried glances at him. He was pretty sure Sam wouldn’t be invited back here. He hated himself for that. He shook his head, opened the car door, and climbed inside.

 

A couple minutes later the back door opened and he heard Lola climb in and felt her nose briefly touch his shoulder, checking to see if he was okay. Donna climbed into the passenger seat, gave him a quick look, before slamming her door. Dean bristled and wanted to say something, but he just turned the key in the ignition and drove away. 

 

***

 

The drive back to the motel was filled with silence. Tense and angry silence. Dean could feel the anger coming off of Donna in waves and it scared him. Terrified him, if he was being honest.

 

When they got back to the motel, Donna took Lola out muttering that she was going to take her for a quick walk, and she left Dean standing in front of the motel room door, watching her walk away, fearful that she wouldn’t return. Scared that she was going to take Lola and leave him and he would lose the two most important things in his life. 

 

He decided to walk back inside after a few moments and pour all his energy into packing. Donna’s suitcase was still there, so she wouldn’t just leave him. He could hang on to that, right?

 

He got out their suitcases and started tossing their items inside, not caring how they looked, not even knowing if he was placing the right items in the right bag. He knew he should’ve waited for Donna to return before he attempted to pack them up, but he couldn’t. He had one focus. One mission. To get them the hell out of Lawrence. 

 

“What are you doing?” Dean was standing over Donna’s suitcase when he felt Lola’s nose on his arm and heard Donna’s annoyed voice behind him. He felt a surge of relief at her return and wanted to turn around and run into her arms.

 

Dean gave Lola a quick scratch behind the ear before standing up and turning to face Donna. “I thought I would help you pack.”

 

Donna let out a sigh and tossed Lola’s leash on the table. “So, we’re not going to talk about this?” She crossed her arms tightly and glared at him. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach. 

 

Dean took a deep breath and crossed his arms. “Donna, this trip was about me, right? So I think that means I get to decide when we leave.” Donna’s mouth opened in shock and he wished he would’ve said something else. Wished he could let go of that need to not want to fall apart at that moment. 

 

Donna scoffed. “Wow.” She shook her head. “So you’re the boss, huh? And I’m what, just supposed to follow you around saying ‘yes, sir’ and ‘no, sir.’” Dean swallowed hard and tried to make his voice work. After a few minutes of his silence, Donna seemed to give up and she sat down at the table, a resigned look on her face. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to be here.”

 

Dean waved her off, trying, but ultimately failing to cover up the hurt he was feeling. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I’m fine.”

 

“You’re not fine, Dean.” He turned his face towards her and before he could speak she held her hand up and shook her head. “Don’t even try to deny it.” She gestured toward his hands that were still crossed tightly. “Your hands have been shaking since we got here.” Dean quickly shoved his hands in his pockets, hoping that somehow that would make her forget this. Of course, it didn’t work. “You're agitated. Your eyes are sad and you … you tossed and turned all night. Saying things that I couldn’t even understand.”

 

“It was a long drive and I-”

 

“Don’t do that.” Donna leaned over the table like she was trying to reach for him, but wasn’t sure she could do it yet. “I know you. I know every part of you. And I know how scared you are.” Dean blinked and looked away. “And it’s okay, Dean. It’s okay for you to be scared.”

 

“I can’t. I just … I can’t.” Dean looked down at his feet, feeling a little bit of his resolve falter. “I can’t be here, Donna.” 

 

Donna stood up, slowly walking toward him. He kept his eyes down. “I know and I understand. I do. I can’t even begin to know what it feels like to be back here.” She stopped in front of him. Dean swallowed and looked up at her. She gave him a soft smile and placed her hand on his arm. “But I’m not the enemy, Dean.”

 

“I’m sorry. I just … I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.” He felt his shoulders relax a little. Felt that still rod inside loosen its grip. 

 

“I know. I know.” Donna, even though she was hurt and angry, pulled him into her arms. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Dean wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly to him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He felt his shoulders start to shake and the tears start to fall. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Shh … It’ll be okay.” Donna held on to him. Held him while he fell apart. Held him through all his sobs. Held him like no one else ever had. 

 

***

 

Once Dean had cried all the tears he felt he had, he slowly pulled away from Donna. He looked into her the eyes and saw that she had been crying as well. He touched the side of her face, running his thumb over her cheekbone. “I don’t deserve you.”

 

She smiled, brighter than she had all day, and said, “Yeah, I’m pretty much perfect.” 

 

Dean smiled. “You are.” He leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss, pulling back and resting his forehead against hers. “I really am sorry. I never should’ve treated you that way.”

 

She ran a hand along his back. “It’s okay. We can just say that we got our first big fight out of the way.” She shrugged. 

 

Dean pulled back and looked her in the eyes. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She pulled his hand toward her mouth and kissed his knuckles. “And you do deserve me, Dean. You deserve everything.” She gave him another quick kiss and glanced back at the suitcases. “So, we leaving?” She looked back at him. “Or are we staying?” She gave him a warm and reassuring smile. 

 

Dean let out a shaky breath, glanced around the room, and gave the answer he didn’t think he could give. “Staying.” She smiled. “But I don’t think I can go back to that house. At least not yet.”

 

“That’s okay.” She nodded. “Whatever you need, it’s fine. Just tell me. I won’t run.”

 

Dean smiled. “Thank you.” He rubbed her arms. “Do you want to go get something to eat?”

 

“I’d like that.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “I’m gonna go wash up.” Dean nodded and watched as she walked toward the bathroom. When the door closed, he turned and walked over to the bed, sat down, and started unpacking the suitcases.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note. Dean's therapy sessions will be put on hold for at least one more chapter, maybe more.


	5. Lawrence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean visits some places from his early childhood memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on posting this chapter last night, but AO3 was down. So sorry for the delay. Just a warning that there is some tooth-rotting fluff in this. :) There is also some angst.

Dean woke up feeling a little less nervous. A little less on edge. He had spent the night talking with Donna about everything he could remember about living in Lawrence, even though he wasn’t entirely sure if all the memories he had were real or were made up by that little boy inside that nearly died in this town.

 

Donna was incredible. She sat and listened patiently, asking a few questions here and there and giving him reassuring words or a touch. She grounded him. Stayed with him. Really heard him and just loved him. He felt so completely normal and hopeful around her that it scared him at times. 

 

Donna told him they could do whatever he wanted to do that morning. His first instinct was to say let’s hit the road, but he suppressed that urge and instead just shrugged, saying he had no idea what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go. That was partially true. He knew he didn’t want to go back to the house, and probably wouldn’t even be welcomed back if he did. But there was one place that he felt a little bit of a desire to go to, he just didn’t want to mention it. Wasn’t even sure he could handle it. 

 

Dean was staring out the window of the little diner across from the motel, that they were having breakfast in, his fork midway between the plate and his mouth, his mind thinking about that other place that he was afraid to go to. “Dean?” He kept staring out the window, Donna’s voice not quite registering. Donna reached her hand out, touching the arm that was holding the fork. “You okay?” 

 

He looked down at her hand, the fog lifting slightly as he remembered where he was. He set the fork down and gave her a strained smile. “Sorry. What?”

 

Donna cocked her head to the side and considered him for a moment. “Where did you go just now?”

 

Dean dropped her hand and took a drink of coffee. “Just spaced out, I guess.” 

 

Donna considered him for a moment before speaking. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

 

Dean nodded. “I just … I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. It’s just weird.” He let out a nervous chuckle and wiped his hands on his jeans. 

 

“That makes sense.” Donna sat back and smiled. “How about you take me to some of the places you used to go to as a child?”

 

Dean felt his throat constrict and a ball of nerves well up in his stomach. “Why would you want to do that?”

 

“I just want to see where you came from. See what your childhood was.”

 

“Donna, most of my childhood wasn’t here.”

 

“I know.” She glanced down at the table, looking embarrassed. “I just… I just want to know that early part.” She looked back up, regret in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I-

 

“Hey. It's okay.” Dean took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze, before sitting back. “I think I know where… I think I know where I want to go.”

 

She looked happy at that, maybe even a little excited. “Where?”

 

Dean took a deep breath. “I want to go to my dad’s garage.”

 

Donna raised her eyebrows, clearly not expecting that. “Really?”

 

“Yeah. But I’m also terrified to.” Dean crossed his arms. “That’s stupid. I know.”

 

“No, it's not.” Donna reached into her purse and tossed some money on the table. “Let’s go check out the garage.”

 

Dean sat there for a moment, not sure he was ready to leave just yet, but he nodded and got up, following Donna out of the restaurant. He started to feel his chest tighten, felt the nerves getting stronger, and he just prayed he could make it through this. 

 

***

 

They headed back to the motel to pick up Lola before they ventured to the garage. The garage. The place his dad worked when his dad had a career. Had a passion that didn’t involve killing creatures and tracking down the demon that took his wife. 

 

Dean wasn’t even sure if the garage still existed. There was a real possibility that it had been shut down years ago or had been turned into something else. Donna had suggested that they look the place up before heading out, see if it still existed, see what name it was under, but Dean said he’d rather just drive there, better to be disappointed in person he supposed. 

 

They piled into the car, Lola’s head hanging out the back window, her face turned up in that always present smile. Dean tried to fight the nerves he was feeling as they drove closer and closer to the garage. He tried to talk about anything mundane, sang along to songs until Donna feigned annoyance. But inside his stomach was doing somersaults and his heart was beating faster than normal. 

 

They turned up the last street, the street that would take them there, when Dean saw it; the big sign welcoming them to Guenther and Sons Garage. Dean swallowed and felt his palms getting sweaty. Guenther. His dad had worked alongside Mike Guenther. It had to be him. 

 

Dean stopped the car a block away from the shop, letting the engine idle, Donna looked over at him and gently placed her hand on his upper arm. Dean glanced over at her and nodded. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” He gave her a reassuring smile and looked back in the direction of the garage. It was now or never. He nodded again, nodding to himself, to his past, to the ghost of his father, and drove straight ahead. 

 

The shop looked like a smaller version of Bobby’s place and Dean felt a little twinge of pain at that. The bay of the shop had a newer looking Honda next to an older pick-up truck. There were two men, one his early twenties and the other in his mid-thirties, looking the Honda over. Dean stopped the Impala behind the Honda and the men looked up at him, instantly looking impressed at the sight of Baby. The look that only true car lovers got when they saw her.

 

The older man grabbed a clipboard and walked toward the car. Dean felt his hands instantly tighten on the steering wheel. Dean rolled down his window when the man stopped next to the driver’s side. The man leaned down and said, “Beautiful car you got here.”

 

“Thanks.” Dean stared at him, his jaw set tight, and he tried to find a relaxing posture. 

 

“So, what can I help you with?”

 

“Um… she could use an oil change.” He could guess that Donna’s face maybe fell at the little white lie, but she said nothing.

 

“Okay. Well, we’re just finishing up with a couple cars right now. We could probably get to her late this afternoon.” He glanced over to Donna, and smiled, before returning his attention to Dean.

 

“Yeah. Okay. Sure.” He glanced over at Donna and she simply gave him a little smile, not seeming to want to fight him on this. 

 

“Great. I’m Eric Guenther.” Dean’s stomach dropped at that. He must be the son. 

 

Eric held his hand out toward Dean and Dean just looked at it for a moment, before finally stretching his hand out. “Dean, Dean Elliott.” He shook Dean’s hand and then looked over at Donna. “And this is Donna Clark.” 

 

Donna said nothing, just nodded toward Eric and said, “So, are you the son or the main Guenther?”

 

Eric smiled proudly. “Son. Dad doesn’t come around that much anymore. He’s hoping to retire soon.” Retire. Something his dad never got to do. Eric gestured toward the side of the building. “So, just drive around to the side and park in an empty space and I’ll meet you inside.” Dean nodded and Eric smiled, walking back towards the inside of the building. 

 

Dean found the nearest space and stopped the car. He glanced over at Donna. “I know I lied. I mean you saw me-” Donna leaned over the seat and gave him a quick kiss. 

 

“It’s okay. I get it.” She gave him another quick kiss and got out of the car and leashed Lola. “We’ll wait out here, okay?” Dean nodded and headed toward the garage.

 

Inside was a tiny waiting area with a few chairs that had probably been there when his dad had worked there. There was a dusty display case with various auto parts and accessories. Eric was standing behind the counter, clipboard next to him. He smiled when Dean walked over. “So, I’ll just get some basic info from you.”

 

“Yeah, sure.” Eric started rambling off some basic questions about mileage, year of the car, though Dean was pretty sure he already knew that, and Dean just nodded and mumbled out the answers. 

 

Eric set the clipboard down. “You know, this is going to sound weird, but your car looks so familiar.”

 

Dean licked his lips and tried not to let his nerves show. “Well, you must get a lot of classics in here.”

 

“Nah. Not as much as I’d like.” He shrugged and went back to the clipboard and was about to ask another question when his head shot back up. “Oh my god! That’s it!” Dean was sure his cover had been blown and he would have to deal with a hundred different questions. “Your car looks exactly like the one in the photo in my dad’s office.”

 

“Photo?” Dean felt his palms getting sweatier. 

 

“Yeah, an old photo of my dad and his business partner.” Dean’s hands started shaking, so he quickly shoved them into his pockets.

 

“Huh? Well, guess the partner had good taste in cars.”

 

Eric chuckled. “Yeah, he sure did. I never met him, but my dad idolized him. Said he was the best mechanic he ever knew.” Dean blinked quickly, putting on a tight smile. “You know what, I should show you the picture, you’re not gonna believe how similar she looks to yours.”

 

Before Dean could stop him, Eric had disappeared to the back of the shop leaving a shaking Dean standing there waiting for his return. He glanced toward the door, thinking about making a run for it when he heard Eric return, a framed photo in hand. Eric shook his head as he looked down at the picture. “I’m tellin ya, if I didn’t know any better I would think it was the same car.” Eric placed the photo down in front of Dean and Dean felt his heart stop. In the photo the Impala was parked in front of the garage, his dad leaned back against it smiling proudly and next to his dad was a younger Dean, grinning up at the camera, a couple of teeth missing. His dad looked happy. Looked genuinely happy. Looked happier than Dean could ever remember seeing him. “What I tell you.”

 

Dean picked the photo up and looked closely at it. “What… what happened to him?”

 

“John?” Dean nodded, his eyes glued to the photo. “It’s an awful sad story. His wife died in a fire and he left town. Said the grief was just too much to bear.” So that’s what his dad told them. “Had too young boys too.” Eric pointed at the young Dean. “That was his oldest, Dean.” Eric’s face shot up at that and he let out a chuckle. “How weird is that?”

 

“Yeah, weird.” Dean felt the tears coming. He felt nausea. He felt the panic. 

 

“Hey, you know-”

 

Dean quickly dropped the photo on the counter. “I’m sorry. This was a mistake.“ Dean grabbed his keys and ran for the door. 

 

Donna’s face fell when she saw him. “What’s wrong?” 

 

Dean walked past Donna. “Never should’ve come here.” 

 

The front door of the shop opened and Eric walked out. “Is something wrong?”

 

Dean unlocked the passenger side door and was thankful when Donna climbed in. “Sorry, I just remembered I had an appointment across town and I can’t wait.”

 

“Well, can I schedule you for-” Dean waved him off and got into the car and started it up, pulling out and driving off as fast as he could.

 

“Dean, what happened?”

 

“I knew I shouldn’t have come here. I knew I should’ve left last night. I just can’t do this. I can’t do this.” He started driving faster and faster. “He looked so damn happy. So fucking happy.” 

 

“Who looked happy?”

 

“Even in my memories, I don’t remember seeing him that happy.” Dean took a sharp curve and he heard Donna’s let out a little squeak and heard Lola’s collar jangle against the window.

 

“Dean, you need to slow down.” But Dean couldn’t hear her. Couldn’t hear anything, but the sound of his dad’s laughter. The sound of laughter he must have heard before that photo was taken. Dean took another sharp turn, causing Donna to slide a bit across the seat, her thigh bumping into his leg. “Slow down!”

 

Dean glanced over at Donna and saw the fear in her eyes, saw her hair tousled, and he could only imagine what Lola must have looked like. He gently pressed his foot to the breaks and pulled to the side of the road. Donna took a couple of breaths and looked back at Lola, giving her a reassuring pat. “I’m sorry, Donna. Are you okay?”

 

She ran a hand through her hair. “I’m fine. Just scared me a little.” She took in a few deep breaths, her hand on her chest. 

 

Dean sighed and shook his head. “I never should’ve brought you with me.”

 

“What?” She turned toward him. 

 

“I should take you home. I’m no good.”

 

“No, Dean, I’m glad I’m here. I can’t even… I’m just worried about you, okay.” Dean nodded and looked straight ahead. “Can you tell me what happened?”

 

Dean swallowed and continued to look straight ahead. “He showed me a picture of my dad. My  dad, the car, and me.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“My dad was so damn happy, Donna. I never really saw him like that before. I mean I’ve seen pictures and I remember bits and pieces of that from back then, but to see it in some other place. Some other person knowing about it. Seeing myself so… I just couldn’t.” Dean looked at her. “It’s stupid, I know.”

 

“Hey, no it's not.”

 

“I’m sorry I made you come out here and I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.”

 

“Dean, you’re not a disappointment and I’m glad I’m here. I’ll always be there for you.”

 

Dean squeezed her hand. “You and Lola are the best things in my life. You know that, right?”

 

Donna brought his hand up to her mouth and gave it a kiss. “Ditto.” 

 

“I’m sorry I scared you. I’m just so sorry.”

 

Donna ran a reassuring hand through his hair. “It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay.” He smiled and rested his forehead against hers, feeling just slightly lighter, slightly less tense, feeling the way he only felt when he was with Donna. 

 

***

 

They stayed there, parked on the side of the road, for several minutes. Getting out once to let Lola sniff around. When they got back to the car, Dean gave Donna the keys. She looked down at them for a moment, a brief question flitting across her face, and then she nodded and got into the driver's side. “So, where to now, Dean Winchester?”

 

Dean ran his hands down his legs and tried to come up with an answer to that question, but he had nothing. “I don’t know.” He turned to her. “Where do you think we should go?”

 

“This isn’t about me. We can do whatever you need to do.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “Even if what you need is to go home.”

 

Dean looked at her for a moment, really looked at her. She was looking at him with all the love in the world, the sun behind her shining off her blonde hair, making her look even more beautiful than she already was, and he really felt it. Really felt how much she truly cared for him. Really knew how much she would do for him. “You still want to see some of my childhood?”

 

“Only if you want to show it to me.”

 

“I want to show you everything.” He saw her eyes get misty at that and he leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. “So, what memory would you like to see first?” 

 

***

 

They started with the corner ice cream shop that Dean had some faint memory of going to with his mom. He remembered her having a bit of a sweet tooth and a real fondness for butter pecan, while Dean always loved rocky road. They would go there sometimes with Sam sitting in his stroller, or sometimes make it a solo outing. He could remember his mother’s eyes twinkling when the fluorescent lights from the ice cream shop would shine on her face.  

 

Dean couldn’t remember the name of the ice cream shop, of course, so they looked up the different ones around. There were the chains like Dairy Queen and Cold Stone, but he knew it was a local place. Knew it had to be somewhere more unique than a chain. They drove by a couple of shops they found, but Dean just shook his head at each one and he started to think that he had made that memory up and if he had made that memory up, maybe he made up the others as well. 

 

Then they drove to the last one. A little shop called Magill’s. When they pulled up in front, Dean knew it was the right one. The outside had been updated some, with a few benches and some new paint to make it look a little more modern, but Dean could see that the inside still looked like it did when he was four. Old plastic benches, display cases for the many flavors of ice cream, and different cones.  “This is it.”

 

“You sure?”

 

He nodded. “I’m positive.”

 

He felt his hands start to shake and his heartbeat speed up slightly, and Donna noticed as well. “We don’t have to go in.”

 

He looked at her and smiled. “I could always use a scoop of rocky road.” Donna smiled and they got out of the car, leaving the window down for Lola and promised they would be back quickly. 

 

When they walked into the shop the smell of the sweet ice cream assaulted them and Dean felt a little faint. He had smelled ice cream before, been inside ice cream shops and ordered rocky road from other places, but there was something different about this. Something special. Something sweeter. Donna took his hand and he looked back at her. “You okay?”

 

He smiled back at her. “Yep. Come on.” He walked her up to the counter and Donna ordered a scoop of the mint chocolate chip. Dean was going to go with rocky road, but instead, he decided to order the butter pecan. 

 

They walked outside with their ice cream cones and got Lola out of the car. They took a seat at one of the empty benches and Dean put the scoop of ice cream up to his nose, inhaling deeply. The smell of sweet cream overwhelming his senses. He could almost see his mom smiling and hear her sigh of joy when she took a taste. 

 

Dean took a bite and the smooth vanilla hit him first, sweet but not overpowering. Next, the buttery pecan hit his palet and he instantly knew why his mother loved it so much. It was sweet with just that tiny hint of salty from the pecans. He took another bite and it was even better than before. “You look happy.”

 

Donna’s words took him out of his head and he looked back at her. “I am.” And he was. For a brief moment in this weird trip he was on, he felt happy. He felt okay.

 

She smiled down at her cone. “This is pretty darn good ice cream” Donna took another bite of ice cream and glanced over at Dean. “Your mother liked butter pecan?”

 

It was a question, but Dean suspected she already knew the answer. “It was her favorite, but she wouldn’t buy it anywhere else.” Dean chuckled to himself. “She would buy vanilla, chocolate, anything else in the store, but never butter pecan. She said that you should never overindulge the things you love the most because they may change into something you don’t love in quite the same way.” Dean felt the sadness of that sentence. The truth behind it and he briefly flashed back on hearing his parents fight one night. He quickly shook his head, taking his mind out of that memory. “So we would come here once every couple of months just to indulge her love.”

 

Dean gave Lola a little pet and took another bite of ice cream. “She made everything seem so special. Ice cream. Every time I would accomplish a little thing, like learning a new word. Reading a page in a book.” Dean looked down at the ground, suddenly remembering something his mom had said the last time they were here. “She told me that when I started kindergarten she would make sure to have this place make me a rocky road ice cream cake.” Dean chuckled. “I was so excited to start kindergarten.” Dean frowned, remembering when he really did start kindergarten in some town a little bit away from Lawrence. No ice cream cake waiting for him when he returned to the place they were staying. Just a crying father starting to map out a plan for his revenge.

 

“Your mother sounds amazing.”

 

“Yeah, she was the best.” Dean finished off his ice cream cone and tossed his napkin into the nearby trash can.

 

Donna regarded him for a moment, before speaking. “What were you like in school?”

 

Dean was a little taken aback by the question and he shifted in the seat. “I don’t know. We changed schools a lot, so I was just sort of the outsider.” He frowned.

 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

 

“No. It’s okay.” He looked over at her, trying to give her a reassuring smile. “School was more Sammy’s thing.”

 

“Yeah, but I bet you were smart.” 

 

Dean looked at her, his mouth slightly open. “Why do you think that?”

 

“Because look at you.” Dean shook his head, not seeing how that really answered the question. “Dean, you’re so smart. Super smart. And you love to read and your such a great writer. I mean you must have blown your teachers away.”

 

Dean let out a humorless laugh. “Donna, I didn’t even graduate high school.”

 

“So.” She shrugged. “Graduating high school doesn’t make you smart.”

 

“Yeah, well not graduating doesn’t either.” Dean looked straight ahead. “Sam was the one who went to college and graduated high school.” Dean felt that old embarrassment and shame creeping in. “I just have a GED.”

 

“Hey, not everyone does that. You did and you didn’t have to. That makes you pretty darn special in my book.”

 

Dean smiled softly. “I think that maybe if my mom hadn’t…” He shut his eyes for a moment, steadying his breathing before he opened them again. “I think I would’ve loved school.” He smiled to himself. “There was actually a time when I did like it.”

 

“When was that?”

 

“When I was at that boy’s home for a while.”

 

“You were in a boy’s home?”

 

He looked over at her. “I didn’t tell you that.” She shook her head. “Yeah, I stole some food and my dad decided to leave me there for a bit.” He could see the hurt and anger cross her face at that. “It actually turned out to be great. It was normal for a bit. I went to school. Joined the wrestling team. Had a father figure who only…” Dean shook his head, deciding not to finish that sentence. “I was even supposed to go to a school dance.”

 

“Who was the girl?”

 

“Robin.”

 

Donna playfully elbowed him. “Robin, huh? Was she your first love?”

 

Dean laughed. “I don’t think I would call it that, but she was sweet. Kind.” Dean leaned back, crossing his arms. “But then my dad showed up the night of the dance and well, that was that.”

 

“Did you ever get to go to a school dance?”

 

“Nah.”

 

“I’m sorry.” He looked at her and she looked genuinely sad. 

 

Dean shrugged. “It’s no big deal. Just some silly school dances.”

“I loved silly school dances.” She still had that sad look on her face and he was worried she was going to start crying. 

 

Dean stood up. “Why don’t we get out of here? I can show you my favorite pizza place.” Dean held his hand out to Donna and she hesitated for a moment and he knew she wanted to continue talking about this, but she eventually nodded and took his hand.

 

***

 

Donna seemed distracted after they left the ice cream parlor. They had stopped by the local pizza joint that Dean had remembered from his childhood. It was another memory that turned out to be real. They had ordered a pepperoni and mushroom pizza, his dad’s favorite, and took it back to the motel, even giving Lola a couple bites of crust. But Dean could see that something had changed for Donna since their conversation outside of the ice cream shop and Dean couldn’t pinpoint what it was. 

 

Once the pizza was devoured, Dean had suggested they stay in and watch a movie. Truth was, he wasn’t sure how much more of memory lane he could take that evening. His nerves were better than they had been since they got there, but he felt the exhaustion from a day of fighting the panic and fighting the memories, taking hold. 

 

Dean was flipping through the channels on the motel’s T.V., Donna sitting on the bed next to him, her feet still on the floor. “Hey, Caddyshack!” Dean felt a little rush of excitement at the find, which he knew was probably silly, but he didn’t care. He looked over at Donna and saw she was staring straight ahead, worrying her bottom lip. “It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!” Still nothing. Dean playfully nudged her. “Not a fan of my Bill Murray impression?”

 

Donna shook her head and looked back at him. “I’m sorry. What?”

 

Dean sat up straighter, muting the T.V. “What’s goin’ on?”

 

“Nothing. I’m sorry. I just... “ Donna glanced down at the bedside table, her eyes landing on her phone. “I’m just gonna go make a quick call. Check and make sure my plants are getting watered and the mail checked.” She grabbed her phone and made it out of the motel room before Dean had a chance to question it. But he was pretty certain that Donna was lying to him about something.

 

Dean tried to distract himself with the movie. Tried to just let it carry him away, but his eyes kept darting to the door. She had been out there for at least ten minutes. Ten minutes to check on mail and her plants. 

 

At minute twelve, Dean got up off the bed and walked quietly over to the front door. He wanted to pull it open. Wanted to make sure she was out there. Make sure she hadn’t vanished. But instead, he put his ear to the door and listened. All he could make out was the slight breeze blowing some leaves around and the faint sound of a voice. Sounded like Donna’s, but he knew it could be anyone's. 

 

Dean stood there for a minute, just staring at the handle, willing it to turn, and trying to convince himself that Donna had not just abandoned him in Lawrence. He glanced back at the bed and saw that Lola seemed almost as worried, her eyes glued to the front door, her body at attention.

 

After about four minutes, Dean saw the door handle start to turn. He ran back to the bed as quick as he could, and by the time Donna opened the door he was collapsed back onto the bed, slightly out of breath and trying to look as casual as possible. Judging by the look on Donna’s face, he had failed miserably. He gave her a smile and said, “Everything fine with your plants?”

 

She knitted her brow, before remembering the lie she had told him. “Right as rain.” She still seemed distracted, but there was something else there now. Some nervousness and that made Dean even more worried. “So, how much of the movie did I miss?” Donna made her way back to the bed and sat down next to him, taking her shoes off, but keeping her phone on her lap, the screen turned over so that Dean could only see the back of it. 

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and glanced back at the T.V. “Still about an hour left.”

 

“An hour?” A little smile drifted across her lips that Dean wasn’t even sure was real. “So still some left.” She leaned back on the pillow and concentrated on the T.V. Dean continued to watch her. Continued to try and figure out what in the world was going on. 

 

About two minutes before the credits started to roll, Donna jumped slightly and looked at her phone. Dean tried to sneak a glance, tried to see what was so important, but he got nothing. Donna looked at the screen and that little smile that he thought he had imagined from before returned. She set her phone face down and turned toward Dean, crossing her legs. “So, I know it's late, but I have a craving for some pie and I found a little dinner that's just a quick drive away and it’s supposed to serve the best pie in town.” 

 

It was the last thing he expected to hear and the rush of the words made Dean a little suspicious. He raised an eyebrow at her. “You want to get pie right now?”

 

“Yeah.” She leaned forward. 

 

“Isn’t it kind of late?”

 

She glanced at the bedside clock. “It’s only nine.” She crossed her arms. “Besides, when have you ever turned down pie?” She had a point. Before Dean could even answer she clasped her hands together and got up from the bed, grabbing his keys. “I’ll drive.”

 

Dean let out a little chuckle, still trying to figure out what was going on with her. “I see how it is. I give you a little bit of time with Baby and you think you own her.” Donna shrugged and Dean saw that some of that distraction had faded, but the slight blush on her cheeks gave her nervousness away and Dean felt his own nerves fighting their way back. “What about Lola?”

 

“We can take her with us. She can wait in the car or we can get some pie to go.” After saying this, Donna started to get Lola ready, her mind already seemed to be made. “Come on Winchester, let’s get a move on.”

 

“Okay. Okay.” He laughed, trying to be as normal as possible, trying not to question whatever was going on here. But he heard the worry in his laugh and he felt it grow as he followed Donna out to the car.

 

***

 

They had been driving for a few minutes, going down mostly residential streets, and Dean was wondering where in the world this place was. “I thought you said this place was just a short drive away.”

 

“Relax. We’ve only been driving for like ten minutes.”

 

“I’m kind of surprised I didn’t know about this place.” 

 

He saw Donna swallow and her blush grow deeper at that. She shrugged. “I think it was built after…” He saw her instantly regret the casualness in her voice. “I mean it’s fairly new.”

 

Dean smiled at her. “Well, I think I’m gonna try one slice of each.”

 

Donna laughed. “I would expect nothing less.” Donna leaned forward and saw a sign that made her smile and her handshake a bit at the same time. “I think it’s just up this street.”

 

They turned onto another residential street and all Dean saw was houses and what appeared to be a high school straight ahead. Dean glanced out the window, confused. “Um… are you sure you’re this is the right place?”

 

“Yep.” 

 

Dean continued to look around while Donna pulled the car into a parking lot behind the high school. He saw another car up ahead, a sheriff’s car and Dean felt his stomach drop. “Donna, what’s going on?”

 

Donna pulled the car into a parking space near the sheriff’s car and waved to the older woman standing next to the vehicle. The woman returned the wave and then went around to the back of her vehicle. Donna turned to face Dean. “Okay, so I lied about the pie.”

 

Dean looked around. “What are we doing here, Donna? Is this a hunt or-”

 

“No! I’m sorry, I’m not good at surprises, but I just…” Donna looked down at her lap, seeming to muster up some sort of courage. She nodded to herself and then looked back up at him, her smile wide and bright. “Dean Winchester, will you go to prom with me?”

 

Dean’s mouth fell open, his eyes wide, and his mind still trying to catch up to what she was saying. “What?”

 

Donna motioned toward the other sheriff. “That’s my friend, Sherriff Forester. She owes me a favor, a hunting thing that I helped with…” Donna shook her head and Dean just tried to catch up. “Anyway, she’s giving us access to the high school gymnasium for the night. She’s even going to watch Lola.”

 

“Watch Lola?” Dean shook his head and looked back at the high school. “When did you… How did you…” He looked back at Donna, still not sure what to think of what was going on.

“You want to go to prom?” 

 

“I just thought that you deserved to go to a school dance.” 

 

“Donna, I…” He looked back at the school and the sheriff standing there waiting for them, two items in her hands that appeared to be garment bags. Dean leaned forward. “What is she holding?”

 

She smiled. “A… a tux and a dress for me.” 

 

Dean’s eyes grew wider than before. “You’re really serious about this.”

 

“Everyone deserves to go to one school dance.”

 

“So you were calling the sheriff earlier?” 

 

“Guilty.” Dean looked over at her, his eyes still wide and his mouth slightly ajar. He watched Donna’s face and saw her smile falter. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to do this.” She looked down and Dean glanced out the car looking toward the sheriff standing there with the two garment bags. It was cheesy, silly maybe, but it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him.

 

Dean smiled and took her hand. She looked up at him. “I’d love to go to prom with you, Donna Hanscom.” Her face lit up and he knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved her. 

 

***

 

Dean had been hesitant about leaving Lola with the sheriff at first, but Donna had convinced him that she was someone he could trust and that was all Dean needed to hear. Although he did make sure to tell Sherriff Forester that he would be checking in every hour. 

 

Donna took her dress, still in the garment bag, and went into the women’s restroom. Dean took his garment back and a little bag the Sheriff handed to him when Donna wasn’t looking. She whispered, “It’s something every prom dress needs.” And then winked at him.

 

Dean went into the men’s room and unzipped the bag and his mouth fell open. The tuxedo was baby blue and satin with black lapels and a ruffled shirt underneath. It came complete with a little blue bow-tie and black dress shoes. “Okay. So I guess we’re going for the eighties.” Dean chuckled to himself as he started to dress.

 

Once he had the suit on he took a look in the mirror and laughed, making a note to not let Sam ever know about this. He opened up the bag Sheriff Forester had given to him and smiled when he pulled out a white corsage. 

 

Dean walked toward the gymnasium that Donna had told him to meet her at, and adjusted his suit slightly making sure everything looked as smooth as possible. He opened the doors to the gymnasium and saw some streamers hanging on the walls, probably put up quickly by the sheriff, and a table in the center of the room with a boombox sitting in the center of it. 

 

Dean stood there, looking around the room, seeing old jerseys hanging up in trophy cases, his mind almost hearing the cheering crowds and he briefly wondered if in some other life he would’ve been one of those voices or would’ve worn one of those jerseys. “Hey there, handsome.” Dean turned around and felt his pulse quicken when he saw Donna standing there, her hair swept to the side and a bright smile on her face. She was wearing a red sequin sleeveless dress, with a bow at the side. It hugged her curves perfectly and her creamy skin looked delicious against the color. He supposed this dress was supposed to look cheesy, but to him, it looked stunning. She looked stunning.

 

Dean walked over to her, the corsage in one hand. “You look-

 

“Silly.” Donna looked down at her dress, a little blush on her cheeks. 

 

Dean stopped in front of her and put his finger under chin, lifting her face up to meet his eyes. “Gorgeous.”

 

She smiled and her blush grew a little deeper. “My prom was eighties themed, even though we were barely out of the eighties, so I just thought...” She looked him up and down. “Blue looks good on you.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Thanks.” Dean brought the corsage up. “So, I’ve never really put one of these on.”

 

Donna held up her arm. “It looks like it just slides on the wrist.” Dean nodded and gently placed the corsage on Donna’s wrist. “Perfect.”

 

“Yes, you are.” Donna gave him a bashful smile and then looked over at the boombox. 

 

“Just stay right here and I’ll get the music going.” Donna gave him a quick peck on the cheek and walked over to the boombox. 

 

Donna pressed play and the notes of Faithfully filled the room and Dean felt a warmth in his chest. “I see what this is. You just wanted to get me to sing again?” Donna chuckled and started walking back towards him. “Because I think I’m missing that microphone.”

 

Donna stepped in front of him, her hand taking his. “Maybe we could just start with a dance.”

 

“I think I can do that.” Dean placed his other hand on the small of her back and they started dancing. “I’m getting better at this.”

 

“You were never bad, to begin with.” They moved around the dance floor, lost in each other for a moment. 

 

“So, is this what you wore to your prom?” 

 

Donna shook her head. “No. It was even worse. It was a little blue number with ruffles.”

 

Dean chuckled. “So, kind of like the shirt I’m wearing.” 

 

Donna laughed, glancing down at his shirt. “Yeah,” She looked up at him, smiling. “But you look a lot better.”

 

“So, who took you to that prom?”

 

Donna looked over Dean’s shoulder. “His name was Todd and he ran track.” 

 

“Was he nice to you?” Dean ran his fingers up and down Donna’s back.

 

“He was okay.” She looked at him, smiling. “He wanted to make it a special prom night, but I wouldn’t let him get any further than second base.”

 

Dean smiled. “That’s my girl.” 

 

Donna ran her fingers through the hairs at the base of his neck. “I might let you get a little further than second base.”

 

Dean licked his lips. “Is that so?”

 

“If you play your cards right, I may even let you get to home base.” She gave him a wicked little grin and he felt that familiar flutter in his chest. 

 

Dean stared at her for a moment, lost in her eyes. “Donna, this is-”

 

“Cheesy.”

 

“Awesome.” He gave her a quick peck on her nose. “No one has ever done anything like this for me before.”

 

“I’m glad.” She shrugged. “Besides, you’re a much better prom date than Todd. 

 

He chuckled. “Well, of course.” She playfully smacked him. He pulled her closer and she rested her head on his chest. They continued to dance, the boombox playing more song from the eighties, some fast and some slow, and it was the best night of Dean’s life. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few notes about this chapter. I seem to have this thing about giving Dean moments with his mom that revolve around ice cream. In my story Hold Back the River, I did something similar. I'm not entirely sure why this, but it just seems like it would be something Mary would have done. Also, the prom scene is something I had in my head for months now and actually was going to try and work into another story, but it just kept popping into my head when I would be working on this story. I know it was incredibly cheesy and maybe a little too light for what is going on right now, but I wanted Dean to experience something positive while he is exploring this part of his journey. Oh and I'm sure it would take a lot more work to plan this and I was going to make it later in the story, but it felt right here. I hope everyone is enjoying the direction I am taking this in. <3


	6. White Picket Fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to face what letting go really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a hard chapter to really summarize. It wasn't what I was planning on writing, but much of this series has been like that. Hope you enjoy. <3

Their makeshift prom night ended way too soon. If Dean had had his way, they would have stayed on that gymnasium floor, dancing to cheesy music for days. It surprised him how much he loved it. How much he wanted to live that night over and over again.

When they got back to the motel, their feet were tired and their eyes were heavy, but they were happy. Dean was happy. Something he didn’t think he would ever feel in Lawrence.

Despite their exhaustion, they still ended the night by making love. It was slow and sweet, tender and filled with love. They fell asleep in each other’s arms and Dean said a silent wish that they would wake up and have to repeat the day all over again. But of course, that didn’t happen.

Dean woke up just after dawn, Donna’s back to him, her hair cascading across her pillow, the sunlight peeking through the curtains shining off of it. He leaned over and placed a kiss on her exposed shoulder and got out of bed.

Dean fed Lola and took her for a quick walk, letting her sniff all the blades of grass and patches of dirt that she had sniffed before. The air was crisp, but not too cold. The motel was quiet, the street the same. He saw a few cars drive by on the main road, but other than that Dean could almost pretend that Donna, Lola, and he were the only living things in town. And oh how he wished that was true.

By the time Dean got back to the motel room, Donna had woken up and Dean could hear the shower running. He debated about whether or not to join her. He could imagine his hands running through her hair. The smell of her shampoo filling the room. His feet almost carried him there, but instead, he turned toward the little coffee pot in the corner of the room.

Dean sat at the motel’s little table and looked around the room. His eyes fell on the discarded clothing from last night, the red dress and baby blue tuxedo making his heart ache. They would have to return them. They would have to go back to what they had really come here for; Dean letting go. But he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to let go of. That dream that he once had a life less complicated than the one he led. A dream of a wife, kids, and a white picket fence. He was four. He never had time to dream that.

But that wasn’t entirely true. He remembered what he saw when that Djinn had him. He remembered how he had that normal life. Maybe not the white picket fence and a kid, but normal all the same. He had peace. He had calm. The only thing missing was his dad. Dean had never really questioned that before, but now he couldn’t seem to get it out of his head. Why was his dad missing from his perfect fantasy life?

Before he could even attempt to come up with an answer, the bathroom door opened and Donna emerged, a towel wrapped around her, her hair wet and a smile on her face. “Morning.”

Dean stood up, briefly looking her up and down, and walked over to her. He put his hands on her hips. “Morning.” He licked his lips and leaned down to give her a proper kiss. “I made coffee.”

“Mm… I smelled it when I was in the shower.” She gave him another quick kiss and headed over to the coffee machine. “Thank you.” Dean watched her for a moment as she leaned against the counter, taking a few sips of her coffee, a contented smile on her lips.

Dean sat down at the table, admiring the view. “God, you’re beautiful.”

Donna chuckled. “I think someone is still a little sleepy-eyed.”

Dean shook his head. “Nope. I’m wide awake.” Donna looked down, her eyes focused on her coffee cup, but he saw the smile there. He saw the confidence that was slowly growing the more they were together and Dean felt a shot of pride at that. If he could make Donna see how wonderful she was it would be the greatest thing he had ever done.

Donna poured herself another cup of coffee and walked over to the table. She sat down across from Dean. “So, where to today?”

Dean shrugged, not wanting to change the subject back to the reality of where they were. “I think breakfast should be the top priority.”

Donna nodded and took a sip of coffee. “Are you ready to go back to the house?”

Dean swallowed, not ready yet to answer that. “I don’t know.” He looked at her and frowned, feeling like he had failed somehow. “I’m sorry. I just don’t know if I can actually do that.”

Donna leaned forward, placing a hand on top of his. “If you can’t, you can’t. I’m not going to force you.” She squeezed his hand and sat back.

“Can we just start with breakfast and then go from there?”

She nodded. “Breakfast sounds perfect.” They sat in silence, finishing off their coffee, and Dean’s eyes kept wandering back to their prom garments. Back to the night before. Back to when he didn’t have to think about the reality of his life.

***

They were in the middle of eating breakfast when Dean’s phone rang. He looked down at the screen and felt a tightening in his chest. “Hey, Sam.”

“Hey, Dean.” There was a pause and Dean wondered if he had lost him. “Um… what happened when you went to the house?”

Dean had been wondering how long it would take for this call to come. “Nothing.” Dean took a sip of coffee. “Look, Sam, we’re kind of in the middle of breakfast and-”

“They think you’re some kind of weirdo, or on drugs or something.” Dean couldn’t help but laugh. “Dean, I’m being serious. They called me this morning, wondering if they should’ve done something.”

Dean put his hand over the phone, and whispered to Donna, “I’m gonna take this outside.” She looked concerned, but she nodded and watched as he walked outside.

“Dean, are you listening to me?”

Dean stepped outside and headed over toward the car. “Yeah.” He opened the car door and climbed inside. “Look, I just wasn’t sure if they were who you said they were, so I-”

“You tested them!?”

Dean hated the rush of guilt he felt at Sam’s words. Hated the way he had behaved that day. But he was a hunter and people were out to get them all the time. “Sam, they didn’t even know what I was doing.”

“Well, they obviously knew you were up to something. They said you just ran out of the house, practically dragging Donna along.”

“Okay, I didn’t drag her.”

“Dean, that’s not the point.” He heard Sam let out a long sigh. “You think I didn’t test them? You think I didn’t vet them? You think I haven’t had people watching them to make sure they were safe?” He did? Jesus, what else was Dean in the dark on?. “I told you they were fine.”

Dean ran a hand down his face. “Sam, I didn’t know you had someone watching them and besides, you never know what that person could’ve missed. I wasn’t about to sit there with these people who could have it out for Donna and me.”

“Well, they don’t want you coming to the house again, especially with their girls there.” He could hear the aggravation in Sam’s voice and it pissed him off.

“Sam, we’re hunters. We have had Hell and Heaven hunting us. You really think that someone wouldn’t use them to get to us?”

“True, but is that the real reason you tested them.” There was a biting tone to his words and it grated on Dean.

Dean gritted his teeth. “Of course it was.” He lied.

“Sure.”

“Listen, Sam, if you called to just bitch me out I think I’m gonna hang up.”

“No. I’m sorry.” He heard Sam let out another sigh, but this one had less annoyance in it. “It’s partially my fault anyway. I should’ve told you about someone checking on them and I also have some warding kind of hidden.”

Another secret. “What?! I didn’t see anything.”

“Yeah, it's hidden. Some behind paintings. Some under new wallpaper. All sorts of places.”

“How the hell did you get away with that?”

He heard Sam hesitate for a moment like he was ashamed of what he was about to say. “I kind of broke in while they were out of town.” Dean couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at that. “It's not funny.”

“Oh, it’s a little funny.” Dean shook his head. “You should’ve told me this.”

“I know. I just thought you would trust that I had taken care of it.”

“I wouldn’t think you would break in and paint secret sigils.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, took in a few calming breaths, and tried to let go of the irritation he felt at being kept in the dark again. “Look, I’m sorry if I scared them and you don’t have to worry about me going back there, I have no plans of returning anytime soon.”

“Dean, I can talk to them and explain-”

“Nope. It’s okay. They were a little too normal anyway.” Whatever the heck that meant.

“Well, how’s everything else.” Sam seemed nervous to ask, like whatever the answer was would be heartbreaking and Dean felt that anger again.

“Everything’s fine. Having a blast.” And some of that was true. Or it had been last night. “How’s Beth and Cas?”

“Good. Fine.” Dean felt like there was more Sam wanted to say. Another secret he was keeping from him. “Anyway, I’ll let you go.”

Dean should push him. Dean should find out what it was Sma was hiding. But he didn’t want to. He just wanted to forget about the bunker for a bit. He just wanted to forget about his real life. “Talk to you later, Sammy.”

“Bye.” Dean hung up the phone and dropped it in his lap. Sam had kept another secret from him and he was pretty sure he was keeping a new one from him now. After everything, he was still doing this. Maybe he would always be doing this. Maybe it was just in their DNA to lie.

Dean took a few deep breaths before walking back inside the diner. Donna looked up the second the door opened, a look of relief on her face and he saw her almost move to get up from the table, but then she seemed to think better of it and she sat back. “Everything okay?”

Dean sat down, setting the phone on the table. “Yeah. Just not welcome back at that house.”

Donna winced. “Sorry.”

Dean shrugged. “Didn’t want to go back there anyway, so… “ Dean glanced down at his plate of now cold bacon and eggs, and pushed it away, looking back up at Donna. “So, should we go explore more memories from my childhood?”

“You sure you want to?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” He pulled out his wallet and tossed some money on the table. “Let’s go get Lola.” Donna nodded and followed him out of the restaurant. Dean tried to keep some of that feeling from last night. Tried to not get stuck on the lies, the secrets, and the fact that he still couldn’t stop thinking about how he had left his dad out of his perfect fantasy life.

***

Dean drove around Lawrence on autopilot. Taking Donna down roads that were filled with hazy memories, some more real than others. She would try and get him to engage, but he just answered her questions with one-word answers or a grunt. He could tell she was worried about him. Could tell she wanted to dig deeper, pry into what was going on in his head, and every time she got close to doing it Dean would take them down a different path. Down a different memory.

They had just finished visiting one of Dean’s memories of a toy shop in town that he vaguely remembered buying a car for his race track set. Turned out the toy store had been turned into a coffee shop and seeing people walking out with their lattes and pastries made Dean’s heart break a little.

Donna tried to comfort him, tried prying again, but he quickly cleared his throat and mumbled something about seeing some street he played on with his neighbor. The neighbor he remembered being his best friend back then. His mind was so distracted, so wrapped up in wanting to escape the smell of coffee, that he realized all too late that that street he remembered, that place where he played as a child, was the street in front of his house.

It dawned him when they were a block away. Donna had been talking to him, trying to find out if he was sure he wanted to go where he was headed, but he had only nodded, blocking out the words. Now, he was mere seconds from that house again. He was almost there and he hadn’t even realized it.

Dean was at a stop sign, just staring straight ahead, a car honking behind him. “Dean, we can turn around and-”

“None of this real.” Dean gestured toward the street. “It’s all some weird Memorex that I made up in my mind. These memories I’m telling you about, they aren’t real.” Dean had no idea where the words he was speaking were coming from. No idea if he even said them out loud.

“What are you talking about?” Apparently, he had. The car behind them finally drove around him, screaming some curse word, the car’s horn blaring. Donna had jumped slightly but kept her attention on Dean.

“I see these fragments of some childhood that never really existed. Some perfect home, when in reality my mom and dad fought and I was…” Dean looked down at his hands, the skin cracked and rough. “My dad used to talk about how perfect things were. He would tell me stories about how beautiful life was before, before that night. But he left out the bad parts. He left out the truth.” Dean looked out the window, his eyes falling on a young couple walking a dog down the street. “All my family does is lie. That’s all we do.”

Donna gently placed her hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Why don’t we turn around and go back to the motel, okay?”

He turned his head to look at her and he wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to pull her into his arms. But he couldn’t move. “I’ve lied to you, too. I kept drinking from you. I kept my nightmares from you. I kept my feelings from you.”

“Sweetheart, you’re upset right now. Why don’t you let me drive and-”

“Why haven’t you run from me yet?”

He could see the hurt cross Donna’s face. Could see the pain there and she pulled her hand away, letting it fall to her lap. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what? I’m poison, Donna. You know that. I mean look at me. I can’t even drive down the fucking street I lived on for a nanosecond of my life without falling apart.”

“Stop it.” Donna faced forward, her lips pursed.

“I’m a fuck up. I’m a liar. I’m a drunk. I’m nothing, Donna.” Donna looked at him, her chin shaking slightly and her eyes brimming with tears. “I should give you the keys and Lola and let you drive away.”

Donna swallowed down the tears and spoke to him with all that strength that she carried inside. “I won’t let you do this. I won’t let you push me away. You can try, but I’m here and I think I’m smarter than to waste my time on a fuck up. I wasted five years of my life on one and I’m not doing that again.” She extended her hand. “So, you’re going to give me the keys to the car, we’re going to drive back to the motel, and we’re going to talk. We’re going to really talk.” Dean looked down at her hand and then back up to her face and she nodded, a reassuring smile forming on her lips. He wanted to hand her the keys and run. He wanted to protect her from this. From him. Wanted to do before she wasted any more precious time on him. But her eyes were filled with such love. Such hope for him. Such promise. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it no matter how much it might have been the right thing to do. Dean slowly turned off the car, handed her the keys, and let Donna drive them back to the motel.

***

The drive back was spent in relative silence. Donna would occasionally glance his direction, giving him a smile that was somewhere between worried and encouraging. Dean would every once in a while glance into the back seat, making sure Lola still knew he was there. Still knew he loved her. He wasn’t even sure if Lola was questioning that or not, but she would always give him a little kiss, maybe nudge him with her nose, something to make him remember where he was. Something to make him remember that he was loved, no matter how hard that was for him to believe.

When they got back to the motel, Donna grabbed them two glasses of water and start a pot coffee. Dean got the distinct impression that they were settling in for a long night of talking. A longer night than they had before. Dean glanced at the door. Glanced toward the bed, trying to remember when their prom outfits had been laid across it. God, he wanted to go back to that.

Donna poured them each a cup of black coffee and took a seat across from Dean at the little rickety table. Lola lay between them. A peaceful presence in whatever storm Dean was about to talk about.

Dean took a sip of the hot coffee, the liquid burning his tongue slightly and he looked up at Donna. “Why do I suddenly feel like I’m in therapy?” He let out a nervous chuckle, trying to lighten the weight in Donna’s eyes and the weight upon his chest.

Donna leaned forward, taking his hands in hers. “I don’t want it to be like that. I just… You scared me. You’ve been scaring me.” Dean looked away, pulling his hands from hers. “I don’t mean scary scared.” Dean couldn’t help the little chuckle he let out at that. He knew it maybe was the wrong time and place, but he needed some sort of release. “I just mean I’m scared that…” Donna’s voice cracked and Dean chanced a glance back up at her. He saw tears in her eyes, and her lower lip was shaking. “I don’t want to lose you, Dean.”

He should tell her that he couldn’t prevent that from happening. Tell that a hunter’s life, especially his, was bound to end sooner than most. He should tell her that losing him might be a blessing. But instead, he felt his body moving without thinking. Felt his hands touching her. Felt his thumb caressing her cheek. And heard the words coming out of his mouth. “You’re not going to lose me, Donna.”

He could see she wanted to believe him. Could tell she wanted to melt into those words. But her fear was taking hold. “Then why did you say what you did today?”

“Because I’m terrified of losing you.” He let out an ironic laugh and shook his head. “I know. Doesn’t make much sense, but it's the truth.”

Donna placed a hand over Dean’s. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. Does that scare me? You bet.” She gave him the smile that always made his flutter a little. The smile that seemed reserved for only him. “But it also makes me happier, stronger, and better than I have ever been.” Dean licked his lips and leaned forward to kiss her. He wanted to make the kiss last longer. Wanted to pull her up from the chair and take her to bed. Show her how much her words meant. But Donna pulled away, resting her forehead against his and he knew she still wanted to talk. Knew she still needed answers.

Dean let out a breath. “Guess we’re not done talking yet, huh?”

“I don’t want to push you. I just want to know what’s going on inside your head right now.”

“My head, huh?” Dean sat back in his chair, crossing his arms. “Sam told me he has our old house warded. Even has someone watching it to make sure everyone is safe.”

“Seriously?”

Dean nodded. “And he didn’t even think to tell me. Didn’t even think that I should know.” Dean looked over at his glass of water, watching as the condensation formed. “I just keep thinking about how that is what we do. We keep things from each other. We make believe that everything is better than it is.” Dean ran a finger through the condensation, absently drawing figure eights on the table. “My dad’s the one who taught us how to do that.” Dean pulled his hand away. “My memories, the ones I keep telling you about, most of them are from him. I mean yes, the ice cream and the friend I played with, those were from me, but the rest.” Dean shook his head. “The rest are memories he told me. Things he would talk about late at night, sometimes through slurred words after a few whiskeys.” Dean crossed his arms. “I guess I just didn’t want to think about that part. I wanted to hold on to them like they were just mine. Like they were something no one else could have.”

“But they still can be. You can take them back. You can make them yours.”

Dean looked down at the table. “If they’re even real.”

“Well, hold on to the ones you know are. Hold on to those, because they are yours.” He looked up at her and she gave him a soft smile.

“Did I ever tell you about the time I was captured by a Djinn?” Donna looked like she was thinking about it for a second and then she shook her head. “It was many years ago. A lifetime really. It was a little bit after my dad had died and Sam and I were hunting this thing and I got taken.” Dean saw the fear flicker across her eyes. “Anyway, they give you visions of your perfect life or whatever.” Dean ran a hand down his face. “In mine, I wasn’t a hunter and Sam had stayed in School, got engaged to Jessica, was a normal, happy guy.”

“And you?” There was an anxious tone in her voice like the answer would somehow shape her life.

“I was a mechanic. I was happy too. I lived with this amazing nurse.” He saw just a glint of jealousy at that and Dean placed a kiss on Donna’s hand. “Not as amazing as you though.” Donna smiled at that and even looked a little proud. It made him love her even more. “My mom was there too. She was alive. She was amazing.” Dean blinked a few times and looked down at his hands. “But my dad was still dead. Not by a demon. Not by a monster. Just a stroke. A normal death, I guess.” Dean licked his lips and sat back again. “I never really thought about that fact that much after it happened. Not even in the dream world. I remember being relieved that he had died that way, but it never seemed odd to me that in my dream world I was still without my dad.”

Donna reached her hand out to him, taking his hand in hers and she gently squeezed. Encouraging him to go on. Dean squeezed her hand back and continued. “Being back here I just… I don’t know I’ve been thinking about that. Thinking about that dream I had years ago. That dream that should mean nothing, but means everything. And I just keep asking myself why my dream didn’t include him.”

“Maybe it's because you had just lost him.”

Dean shrugged, not really believing that could be the case. “Maybe. I just know that with my mom alive and my dad is gone, things were good. I mean Sam and I weren’t exactly close, but he was happy. I was happy. We weren’t having to lie about it. My dad wasn’t having to make up fake memories of some life that was perfect before my mom died. It just was good. It just was happy.” Dean worried his bottom lip and looked deep into Donna’s eyes. “Do you think I wanted my dad dead?”

“What? No, Dean. No.” Donna moved closer to him, there’s knees touching, and she held onto his hands even tighter.

“Then why wasn’t he there?”

“Maybe it was part of your grief. Part of letting him go. You know, giving him a better death.”

“I just keep thinking, what would my life have been like if she had lived and he had died. Would I be in this life I’m in now or would she have protected us from it?” Dean swallowed. “Would I be better than I am now?”

Donna placed a hand on Dean’s knee, her other hand on the side of his face. “Dean, you can’t know. It may have been better, or it may have been worse. But who you are is beautiful. You save people. You love people. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“I don’t want to turn into my dad.” Dean’s voice cracked and the truth in those words scared him. “I don’t want to push you away like my dad would to my mom. I don’t want to turn into a cold and bitter man.”

“You’re not. You’re not, Dean.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because I know your heart.” Donna placed a hand on his chest. “I know your soul. You aren’t your father, Dean.” She stood up, and kneeled before him, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him closer to her. He rested his head on her shoulder and felt himself start to shake. Felt himself start to break. Felt himself start to let go.

Dean pulled away slightly, resting his forehead against Donna’s. “I want to believe that. I do. But sometimes I look in the mirror, or I hear the words I say, and I… I see him looking back at me.” Dean felt the tears starting to fall. The tears that flowed more and more. “What do I do?”

“You tell the truth. You tell the truth about who your dad was and what he did.” She placed a hand on his cheek, her thumb gently caressing his cheek. “Then you let him go.” She nodded and he mirrored her, his head nodding even though he had no idea how he was going to do that. She pulled him into another hug, his arms tightened around her waist, and he repeats those words in his head. Let him go. Let him go.


	7. Fix You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Donna spend the night opening up to each other and sharing some pie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst and lots of fluff. There is some VERY light smut. So light it calling it smut is a stretch. :)

Donna held him in her arms for what felt like an eternity, just stroking his hair and whispering sweet endearments into his ear. The words _let him go_ , still repeating in his head. He wanted the words to go away and so he held on tighter, he held onto her like a life raft, afraid that if he let go he would drown in the emotions of that memory. Drown in those words that kept repeating. 

 

Eventually, Donna pulled back slightly, cupping his face in her hands, placing two little kisses on both of his eyelids and smiled. “You wanna sit down?” Dean could only nod. Donna took his hand in hers and led him over to the bed. They sat down next to each other, Dean’s hand in Donna’s. “Do you want something to drink?”

 

“Whiskey.” He chuckled and was relieved when she just smiled at him. “Some water would be great.”

 

She squeezed his hand. “You got it.” 

 

He watched as she grabbed a little plastic cup from the table in the room and headed to the bathroom. He glanced over toward the door, Lola was lying there just looking at him, her head slightly cocked to the side. “I’m okay, sweetheart.” She cocked her head to the other side like she needed even more assurance. Dean smiled sweetly at her. “I promise.” She studied him for another second before she seemed to finally believe him, and she laid her head down, her eyes still watching him. Still making sure he would be okay. 

 

Donna came out of the bathroom, the cup of water in her hand, and sat next to Dean. He took the cup, finishing off half of it in two swallows. “Thanks.” She nodded and watched him as he set the cup down. Watched him with an intensity that reminded him of his therapist when he would have panic attacks. It made him uneasy. Dean wiped his hands on his jeans. “Wanna watch a movie or something?”

 

Donna just looked at him for a moment without speaking. She glanced over her shoulder at the T.V., maybe weighing out her options, before turning back to him. “I… I thought maybe we should talk a little more about what happened today. About your memories.”

 

It wasn’t what he hoped to hear. He hoped that the hug had been the end of this talk. He just wanted to drown out the voice in his head. Just wanted to get away from this for a moment. “There’s nothing else to say.” He shrugged. “I was a kid. Memories are fuzzy when you’re a kid, right?” He shook his head. “And that fantasy I had, it was brought on by an evil thing, so that means nothing.” He had to avoid her eyes on that last one, worried she would see the lie there.

 

She took his hand and he looked over at her, hoping that his words would have appeased her. Maybe made her want to drop the subject altogether. Make her want to stop trying to fill in for his therapist and just be his girlfriend. But instead, he saw that same look that his therapist got when she wasn’t going to let something go. God, he hated seeing that look on Donna’s face. “Dean, you were so upset today. You were lost somewhere and you… This trip is supposed to be about healing, right? I just want to help you with that.” 

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

 

“I just want you to talk to me.”

 

Dean pulled his hand away. “Jesus, that’s all I’ve been doing.” He ran his hand through his hair, feeling frustration creeping through every cell of his body. He just wanted to go back and feel her arms around him. Feel that comfort and not this sudden need for confession. “Can’t we just go back to pretending we’re at prom?”

 

“Dean, I’m not trying to push you. I just want to help you. That’s all I want.”

 

“Well, I just want to stop thinking about it.” He turned his body away from her, hoping maybe avoiding her would make this go away. 

 

“Thinking about what?” No such luck. 

 

He tried to ignore her. Tried to pretend like he didn’t hear the question. But then she placed her hand on his shoulder and as much as he wanted to push her away and stop talking about this, he just couldn’t at that moment. “All of it. My dad. My mom. My brother lying to me. This feeling inside that I’ve had since we got to this fucking town.” 

 

“What feeling?” 

 

“Like my life was a waste. Like every single god damn second of my life was pointless.”  

 

“Dean, you’re life isn’t point-”

 

Dean shot up off the bed. “Stop saying that!” Donna’s face fell. “Just stop it! You keep telling me how great and wonderful I am, but I’m not. I’ve saved people. Sure. But I’ve also killed people. I’ve lied. I’ve done horrible fucking things and I’ve wished for… I’ve wished for things that make me sick. Whatever it is you think you see in me isn’t real. I’m nothing, Donna! I’m fucking nothing!”

 

Donna shot up off the bed and stood inches from him. “Don’t you dare say that!” Dean swallowed and felt himself taking a step back. “I didn’t fall in love with that person you’re describing.” She shook her head. “I won’t stand here and let you talk like that. I won’t. You can stand there and try and push me away and yell at me and maybe even try and scare me, but I know you, Dean Winchester. I know you better than you think I do.” She pointed her finger at him. “And you are not nothing. Have you fucked up? Yes. Have you done horrible things? Yes.” She angrily wiped away a stray tear and grabbed his arms. “You think you’re nothing? You think everything in your life is pointless. Guess that means I’m pointless too, huh?” He opened his mouth to protest, but she kept talking. “Your life sucks. I get that. Believe me I do. But I’m still here and I think that means something.” She gestured between them. “I think you and I mean something. So don’t you dare say that your life is pointless. Don’t you dare disregard what we have.”

 

“Donna, I didn’t mean…” He bit his bottom lip and turned away from her. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, okay. I don’t know how to let all this shit go.” 

 

She gently turned him around to face her. “I know.” She gave him a sympathetic smile. “And I know you want to stop thinking about this stuff and I’m sorry if it seems like I’m pushing you. I don’t want to do that. But I don’t think you can truly stop thinking about this until you really start talking about it. Until you really start facing it.”

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you think I’ve been doing in therapy?”

 

“Hard work and now you have to do some more.”

 

“What if I don’t survive it?”

 

She touched the side of his face. “You will. I’ll make sure you do.”

 

Dean shook his head, taking her hands in his. “No. I can’t have you do that.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“Donna, I don’t want you to be my therapist. I don’t want you to take on all my shit. That’s not fair to you.”

 

“I don’t want to be your therapist. That’s not what I mean. I just mean I’m here for you. I’ve got your back.” She smiled at him and he smiled back at her, but he still felt nervous about this. He still felt like he would be taking advantage of her. Somehow she sensed that. “Would it make you feel better if I told you some of my deep, dark secrets?”

 

“You have deep, dark secrets?”

 

“Yeah.” He saw a sad frown on her face. 

 

Dean swallowed, feeling fear bubbling up, but he wanted to show her that he wouldn’t use her. Wanted to show her that she didn’t need to just take care of him. Show her that he could take care of her. “Only if you want to.”

 

She touched the side of his face and he could feel the love in that touch. He could feel the trust. “That’s what partners do, right? Confide in each other?” Dean nodded, though he had no real experience of that much trust. That much being laid bare. “So, I’ll tell you one of my secrets and then we can keep talking about what we came here for. Is that okay?”

 

He wanted to shout no and storm out of the room. Maybe make her so angry that she wouldn’t even want to look at him. Make her so angry that she would do what she should do, leave him. Instead, he blinked back tears and nodded. “Yeah.”

 

They sat down on the bed, holding hands and Donna begin to tell Dean one of her dark secrets. “Back when I was a deputy I happened to come upon the scene of this really horrible car accident.” She looked away from him and he could see that she was back in that memory. “A drunk driver had ran a red light and hit this car with a mother and her two year old son.” She let go of his hand. “The little boy had been thrown from the car. I guess his car seat wasn’t buckled in properly and he…” She bit her lip, fighting back the tears. “He was covered in blood. So much blood and I knew he wasn’t… I knew he wasn’t alive.” She looked down at her hands and then quickly tucked them away. “The mom was still in the car, but her head had hit the window and her neck… God, her neck.” Donna shook her head. “Then I saw him. The other driver. He had been ejected from the car, hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt., and he was lying on the ground. I remember walking over to him and glancing over to his car. I could see the empty liquor bottles that littered the back seat of his car.” She grimaced and he saw her shiver. “I knew right then and there what happened. I knew what he did.” She swallowed. “So I walked over to him and stood over him and watched him struggling to breath. Saw all the blood. Saw the glass in his chest. I knew he was dying. I knew that deep down, but he still kept asking me for help.” Donna looked down at her hands. “But I just stood there and watched him struggle to breath. Watched him dying.” She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I called the ambulance while I watched him die. Maybe if I had called earlier he would’ve survived.” 

 

Dean saw Donna’s bottom lip shaking and he took her hand, letting her know he was there. “By the time the ambulance arrived, he was dead.” Donna let out a shaky breath. “I told them that I had tried to save them, but couldn’t. They told me that there wasn’t anything I could’ve done, but I still hear his voice sometimes. I still hear him begging for help. Asking me to save him.” She wiped away a tear. “I lied and it haunts me to this day. That man had a brother and a mom and dad who loved him. And I let him die.”

 

“He would’ve died anyway.”

 

Donna nodded. “I know. I do. But the worst part is I wanted him to die. I saw what he had caused and I… I played judge and juror. I forgot what my duty was.” She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. “Do you hate me?”

 

“No. Not even close.” He pulled her close to him, kissing the top of her head. He held her for a while, listening to her talk about the visits she would take to his gravesite. The secret money she would send to his family. The years of guilt. And as much as it broke his heart to listen to it, it made him feel better somehow. Closer to her. Like maybe he could really be there for her. Like he wasn’t just a burden.

 

Donna wiped away a few tears from her face and took Dean’s hand in hers. “Thank you.”

 

“I didn’t do anything.”

 

“Yes, you did.” She kissed his cheek and looked at him for a moment before continuing on. “So, do you want to tell me more about that fantasy life you had?”

 

Guess Donna’s sharing time was over. “Donna, we don’t have to talk about that right now. You’re upset.”

 

She squeezed his hand. “I’m okay.” She nodded at his trepidation. 

 

“I don’t know what else to say about it” He pulled his hand away from her and turned his body slightly, his knees pointing toward the window, pointing toward escape. “I was in this make-believe place and I was… everything was normal.” He licked his lips and looked down at his hands. “The whole time I was there I kept seeing this young woman. She looked almost dead, like a ghost.” He wiped his hands on his jeans. “I kept trying to ignore her. Hoping maybe she would just go away and I could stay in this perfect place.” He let out a humorous laugh. “Can you believe that? Me trying to ignore a hunt.” He let out a shaky breath. “I visited my dad’s grave while I was there. Or my dad in that fantasy world’s grave. It was just a normal headstone, his body was probably not even cremated. Or maybe it was.” He shook his head. God, why did that matter? “Anyway, I remember being so angry because I knew that my dad, the real one, would’ve wanted me to find out who this girl was. Find out where the Djinn was. Get out of this fantasy place. But I wanted to stay. I wanted Sam to be happy. I wanted my mom to never have known the pain of her death.” He felt his lower lip tremble. “And I wanted to be free. I wanted to be free from all the shit. From saving people. From hunting things.” He looked down at his hands, feeling the shame of that moment. “God help me, I just wanted to be free.”

 

Donna placed a hand on top of his. “That’s understandable. You just wanted to live a regular life.”

 

He shook his head. “But that’s not my job. That’s not what I’m supposed to want.”

 

“You’re human, Dean. You deserve to have some peace. Some pleasure.”

 

“But if I want that, if I want that normalcy, it means that others die. It means that others don’t get that.”

 

“It doesn’t mean you can’t want that. You are entitled to want more.” She took his hand in hers and he looked up at her. “Your father never gave you a choice. Your dad never let you decide what you truly wanted. He made the decision for you.”

 

“But it was our job. Hell, it was in our bloodline.”

 

“You still should’ve been given the choice.”

 

Dean looked down at their hands, at their fingers intertwined. Donna’s delicate skin clashing with the calluses on his. “In the end I came back. In the end I saved the girl and saved myself. In the end I chose this. I chose this life I lead. I chose to continue on. To sell my soul. To come back and try to save this world again and again.” He ran the fingers of his other hand over Donna’s finger that were still intertwined with his other hand. “And then I met you.” He looked up at her. “You. Beautiful you.” He shrugged. “Maybe you’re that normalcy I saw in that world.” Donna stared at him for a moment, her eyes shining, her hand holding his tightly. She leaned over and kissed him. Kissed him with all the love in her life.

 

When their lips parted Dean felt the exhaustion of the day take over.  He saw that same exhaustion in Donna’s eyes as well. They needed a break. Dean glanced over at Lola. She was laying down by the front door, probably needing to go out one last time, but giving up after a while. “You know what, how about we go outside for just a bit? Take Lola out. “

 

“Are you sure? I’m fine to keep-”

 

He kissed her hand. “Donna, I love you, but I think we deserve a break.”

 

Donna smiled at him and then glanced back at Lola. Lola lifted her head up and looked between them and then glanced at the door. “Yeah. We can do that.” They leashed Lola and Dean took Donna’s hand as they walked outside. 

 

They walked up the block from the motel, the street pretty quiet save for a few trucks that would pass occasionally. The air was crisp and the sky was clear. They could almost make out all the stars and Dean had the sudden urge to find a patch of grass, lay down and count them. Dean squeezed Donna’s hand, she glanced over at him. “Thank you for trusting me.”

 

Donna leaned into him. “Ditto.”

 

Dean stopped walking. “I know I have a lot of work left to do and I know I haven’t even scratched the surface. But I’m trying to get there.” 

 

“I know you are.”

 

He nodded. “I just need time. I just need to find a pace that works for me.”

 

“Okay.” They started walking again and she held onto his arm. “But I can’t promise I won’t try to push you a little.”

 

“And I can’t promise you that I won’t resist.” He smiled. “But I don’t want you to ever become my therapist, Donna. I just want you to be my girlfriend. My partner. Okay?”

 

She glanced up at him. “Okay.” He smiled and kissed her forehead. They continued walking on in silence for a few minutes and they were headed back toward the motel when Donna stopped walking. Dean looked back at her, she didn’t look upset or worried. She looked like she had some juicy little secret that she couldn’t wait to spill. “What’s that look for?”

 

“We never got our pie.”

 

He laughed. “Well, I think someone’s impromptu prom is the cause of that.”

 

“Hey, you loved my impromptu prom.”

 

He walked over to her. “You're right. I did.” He gave her a quick kiss.

 

“We should go get some pie.” She gestured behind them. “The diner back there is still open and I bet they have some killer pie.”

 

Dean glanced behind her, the flickering open sign behind them beckoning him. “Okay, but we’ll get it to go.” He looked down at Lola and she wagged her tail. 

 

Donna grabbed his hand. “Sounds like a plan, Stan.” Dean chuckled and followed Donna toward the diner. 

 

***

 

Dean stood outside the diner with Lola, waiting on Donna to bring out the pies. She emerged a few moments later, two takeout cartons in hand, Dean tried to peer inside to see what they contained, but Donna quickly shielded them from his view. “It's a surprise.” She winked at him and Dean thought it was just about the cutest thing he had seen. 

 

When they got back to the motel, Donna placed both cartons behind her back and made Dean choose left or right. He thought about it for several seconds, probably putting more energy into it than it was worth, but liking the fact that the biggest decision he had to make at that moment was which sweet delectable goodness he would choose. After a minute and a little frustrated sigh from Donna, Dean had made his decision. “I choose left.”

 

Donna clapped with glee and Dean instantly wondered if he would regret his decision. She placed both cartons on the table, pushing the one from her left hand in front of him. It was a delicious slice of not only pecan pie, but also apple a la mode and tiny sliver of what appeared to be key lime. They may not all seem to go together, but Dean’s mouth instantly filled with saliva. He licked his lips and sat down, fork in hand. “I thought maybe you were giving me some vegan slice with that gleam in your eye.” 

 

Donna sat down and arched her eyebrow. “Oh, that was because you haven’t seen my selection yet.” Dean leaned over and his mouth opened slightly. There was a slice of pecan, apple, cherry, and chocolate silk. 

 

Dean looked up at her and shook his head. “Hey, no fair. You got four slices.” 

 

Donna dug a fork into the slice of cherry pie. “Maybe if you’re good I’ll let you have a bite.” 

 

“Oh, sweetheart, I can be very good.” He winked at her.

 

“Oh, I know.” Donna placed the bite of pie in her mouth, moaning around the fork, and Dean swallowed. “Mm… that’s good.”

 

Dean licked his lips and tried to keep himself from climbing over the table. He forced his eyes down to his delectable offerings, choosing to take a bite of the pecan first, dipping it in some of the ice cream from the apple pie offering. He closed his eyes as he took the bite, letting the coolness of the ice cream flow over his tongue, eliciting his own moans. He hummed in delight as the deliciousness of the pecan overtook his senses. When he opened his eyes he saw Donna staring at him, her mouth slightly open, her eyes focused on his mouth and her cheeks were tinged pink. Dean looked at her and smiled. “See something you like?”

 

Donna nodded her head and started to lean over the table. “I forgot the ice cream on mine.” She dipped her fork into his ice cream and leaned back while placing the fork in her mouth. “Mm… that hits the spot.” 

 

Dean licked his lips and gave her a lopsided smile. “Do you know how sexy you are when you eat?”

 

Donna scoffed and shook her head. “Nice try, but that’s not gonna get me to give you any of my pie.” She took a bite of the chocolate cream to emphasize her point, humming around the fork in satisfaction, which just proved to Dean how right his statement was.

 

Dean wiggled his eyebrows and leaned forward. “I’m being dead serious. The delight you get when something tastes good. The noises you make.” He let out a contented sigh. “It’s almost pornographic.”

 

Donna snorted. “Pornographic? Okay, I think that's going a little too far.” She shook her head, taking another quick bite of pie, her eyes avoiding his.

 

“Donna, look at me.” She swallowed the bite of pie in her mouth, placed the fork down, and look at him, a nervous smile playing on her lips. “You are so damn sexy that sometimes I have to stop myself from grabbing you and kissing you silly.”

 

He saw her take it in and saw the blush creeping up her cheeks, and the truly giddy smile on her face, before her doubts overtook her and she quickly shook her head and gave all her attention to the focusing on the top of the table. “Dean, you don’t have to say that stuff to me. It’s okay. I know I’m not that typical sexy you often see. I’m okay with that.” She placed her hands in her lap and he saw all those insecurities that he hoped were fading come roaring back. 

 

“Donna, I’m not lying.” He saw her glance up at him, before quickly looking away. “You’ve always been sexy.”

 

She looked at him with disbelief. “Always?”

 

“Always.”

 

“Even before we were together?” Dean nodded, but Donna definitely wasn’t convinced.

 

Dean set down his fork, pushing aside the pies. “Remember that first vamp you killed?”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

He leaned over the table and she looked up at him. “You were so damn sexy when you did that.” 

 

He saw her opening her mouth to protest, but he was relieved when she simply said, “Really?”

 

He nodded. “Totally turned me on.”

 

“Why… why didn’t you do anything or say anything?”

 

Dean frowned slightly, his thoughts going back to that time. Back to the Mark. “I wasn’t… I didn’t deserve you.” He held up his hand before Donna could say anything. “I had the Mark and I was still messed up. Plus, I didn’t think I had a chance in hell with someone like you.” He took her hand. “But I thought about it. I thought about you. A lot. More than I would ever admit. More than I even realized.”

 

“Yeah, well you could’ve had me back then. You could have me anytime.” She smiled at him and he stood up slightly, leaning closer to her and placed a quick kiss on her lips. He pulled away slightly, his mouth mere inches from hers. Donna smiled, more confident than before, and said, “And by the way, you’re the one who’s eating is pornographic.” 

 

Dean let out a deep laugh. “Is that so?” Donna simply nodded and leaned forward, kissing him. 

 

Dean pulled back, but held on to her hand, pulling Donna to her feet. He led her over toward him and he kissed her, kissed her like he wanted to all the time, kissed her till they were both breathless. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him till there was not an inch of space between them. “I want you, Donna.” Dean kissed her jaw, trailing kisses down her neck and over to her ear. “I’ll always want you.” He felt her let out a sigh, and he ran his hands down her back, to her ass, he lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He groaned, kissing her as he moved them over to the bed. 

 

He sat down, Donna straddling his lap. He kissed her, pulling her closer to him, as he ran his hand up the back of her shirt. Donna moved back slightly, lifting up her arms and Dean removed her shirt, his mouth back on her’s in a flash. 

 

Dean started kissing her neck, moved over to her shoulders, tracing the freckles with his lips and his tongue. He removed her bra, tossing it aside, and placed a kiss on the top of each of her breasts. Whispering sweet nothings into her skin. Donna’s hands gripped his hair, her moans filling the room. Dean fell back on the bed, Donna on top of him. Soon his clothes joined Donna’s on the floor and within minutes they were both naked, rolling around on the bed, their lips only parting long enough to take a breath. 

 

Donna ended up on top, slowly lowering herself down on him, both of them groaning at the feel of it. They found their rhythm, moving together, kissing, touching, lost in each other. Lost in everything. And when he came Dean swore he saw stars.

 

They collapsed back onto the bed, both spent and covered in a thin layer of sweat. Donna had never looked more beautiful. Her kiss stung lips, messed up hair, and a permanent grin. God, he loved her. Loved her more than his life. More than the world. More than even Sam. That last one scared him. Took him by surprise and he had to shake himself out of the shock of it. 

 

Donna rolled over on her side, smiling at him like he was as precious as she was. “What ya thinkin’ ‘bout?” 

 

Dean ran a finger up and down her back, tracing lazy circles. “How lucky I am.” He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss.

 

She let out a soft laugh and playfully hit him. “You’re such a sap.” Dean nodded, knowing he couldn’t disagree with that, and pulled her in for another kiss. 

 

***

 

Dean woke up to a cold, wet nose in his face. He laughed and gently pushed Lola away, mumbling under his breath about getting up soon to feed her. He remembered a time when waking up to that nose seemed annoying. Seemed like something he shouldn’t want. Now he welcomed it. He loved it. It was part of home. 

 

Dean opened his eyes fully and saw that the other side of the bed was empty. He reached his hand out and was greeted with cold. No warmth left behind. He was instantly filled with dread. He shot up in bed and looked around. Their discarded clothes from the night before were picked up and folded neatly on top of their luggage, but no Donna. The folded clothes lowered the panic mode, but he still wondered how long it had been since she left. 

 

He started to get up when he saw a folded note on the nightstand, Donna’s pretty handwriting on the outside. Dean smiled to himself and opened up the note. 

 

_ Dean, _

 

_ I fed Lola, don’t let her trick you. _

 

Dean laughed and glanced over at Lola. “Trying to trick me, girl?” She actually looked away and if Dean didn’t know any better he could’ve sworn he saw a little shameful expression on her face. Dean just shook his head and returned to the letter. 

 

_ I went to get some food for us. I’ll see you soon. Love you! _

 

_ XXOO _

 

_ Donna _

 

Dean grinned and folded the note back up, placing it back on the nightstand and he stretched and got out of bed, giving Lola a little scratch behind the ear. He went to his suitcase to grab some clean, or at least presentable, clothes to wear. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a green plaid shirt and headed to the bathroom. 

 

Dean took a quick shower, grinning and replaying the happy moments from before. Even going back to reply their makeshift prom together. And he thought maybe Lawrence wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. Maybe coming home would bring him more joy than sorrow. Maybe they could hide away in this motel room for a little while longer.

 

Dean got out of the shower and quickly threw on the pair of jeans and shirt. He gave himself the once over and was about to head out when he heard the noise, the soft little rustle of a crinkled up piece of paper. Dean reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out the folded piece of paper that Sam had given him back at the bunker. The folded piece of paper with the name and phone number of the people who had moved into his old home. He leaned back against the wall, his eyes reading the names over and over again. His mind going back to that time in their home, his old home. His mind wandering back to the garage. Back to that picture of his dad so happy and free and he felt all that dread and fear come rushing back. Heard those words, _let him go_ , repeating again. 

 

Dean glanced back at the mirror and saw that fear in his reflection. He couldn’t hide from it. It was here. It wasn’t going anywhere. No fake prom or pie or making love would make this go away and he didn’t know what to do with that. 

 

Dean finally left the bathroom after stuffing that piece of paper into his back pocket and trying to pull himself together. When he emerged, Donna was standing by the little table in the room, her back to him, and she was unloading a small bag of groceries. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, and she was whistling to herself, some song Dean was trying to place. She looked so happy. She looked like he had felt only moments ago. God, he wanted to feel that again.

 

He watched her for a few minutes. Watched her hips sway. Listened to her sweet voice, as sweet as honey, humming along to a song he was starting to place. He let the notes of the song and the melody of her voice take up residence in his head. Let it put those fears to bed for a moment. Let it shelter him and hide him from those memories. And he even let himself let out a soft chuckle at the cheesy song she was singing. 

 

Dean walked over to Donna and wrapped his arms around her waist. She paused, the loaf of bread in hand, and Dean kissed on her neck, took in a deep breath, and the shelter of her took hold. It became stronger than that fear. “Hey.” 

 

Dona turned in his arms and grinned at him. “Hey, yourself.” 

 

He gave her a morning kiss. “So, Captain & Tennille, huh?” 

 

She actually blushed and tried to feign innocence. “What?”

 

“Heard you humming.”

 

She looked away for a second, before hitting him with the loaf of bread. “Hey, I’ve heard you singing Air Supply in the shower.” 

 

“I would never-” Donna cocked her eyebrow and Dean grimaced. “You heard that?”

 

“Damn right I did and I think Making Love Out of Nothing At All is really in your register.” It was Dean’s turn to look bashful. “In fact, I think you should sing it during our next bowling trip.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, the loaf of bread still in her hand. 

 

“Only if you’ll be by my side.”

 

“Always.” She gave him a quick kiss and Dean felt almost giddy. Almost carefree. Like some sappy Hallmark Movie that he would secretly over and over again. They pulled apart and Dean glanced over at the loaf of bread that was holding up surprisingly well. Donna followed his gaze and pulled out of his arms, holding it up. “Thought maybe we could have a picnic.”

 

“A picnic?”

 

She shrugged. “Thought we could both use a little light fun today. No need to really run down memory lane.” She gave him a quick kiss on his nose and turned back to the groceries. “Take a break from the therapy.” It was that last word that hit him. That took him back to the truth of why he had come here. The truth of what he wasn’t ready to face yet. What he didn’t have the tools to deal with yet. He could almost feel that piece of paper poking him. Prodding him back to reality.

 

Dean sat down at the table, watching as Donna unloaded the rest of the groceries. “I thought you weren’t going to be my therapist.”

 

Donna stopped what she was doing and he saw her shoulders tense slightly. She turned to look at him. “Dean, I didn’t mean to say that. I just-”

 

Dean held up his hand. “It’s okay. I’m glad you said it.” Dean started absently picking at the chipped wood on the table’s surface and it hit him. He knew what he needed to do. “I think that maybe… maybe we should head home.”

 

Donna looked almost crestfallen and he wished he could hit rewind. She sat down across from him. “Because I used the word therapy? I didn’t mean to. I just thought we could have a fun day and maybe relax. It could be like prom again and-”

 

Dean placed his hand on top of hers, trying to calm her. “I know that I have a shit ton of work to do. More than I even want to admit. But I don’t think I can do that work here right now.” He took her hand in his. “I think I need… I think I need to see my therapist.” He couldn’t believe he got those words out. Couldn’t believe what he was admitting to. 

 

Donna nodded and gave his hand a squeeze before standing back up. “Well, then I will just make these sandwiches for the road.”

 

“Donna, are you mad at me?”

 

She started placing slices of bread on a plate. “Of course not.” She stopped what she was doing. “I just… I’m sorry if I pushed you.

 

“You didn’t push me at all and you have nothing to apologize for. Ever.” He started to trace tiny circles on the table with his finger. “I just don’t think I can be here anymore. Hiding out in this room. Making love. Eating pie. All of that is fine, but when we walk out that door I’m still here. I’m still in this town and I don’t know how to deal with that.” He saw Donna starting to say something and he knew she was going to say she would be there for him. “And I know you want to help and you are. Trust me, you are. But I don’t think I’m ready to face all of this yet. I don’t know if I’ll…” Dean glanced away. “I don’t know if I’ll survive it.”

 

Donna sat back down and reached for his hand. He looked back at her. “Okay. We’ll make some sandwiches and head back to the bunker.”

 

“The bunker?” She nodded. “You okay with that? With not going back to Stillwater?”

 

“Yes. I just want to be with you, Dean Winchester.” They smiled at each other and Dean felt that peace that she brought him. He felt that normalcy she gifted him. And he tried to hang on to it. Tried to pretend that it would make everything else better.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Dean is only just scratching the surface here, but I feel like this part of his journey is going to take some time for him. Therapy sessions will be returning in the next chapter. Thanks again for reading.


	8. DNA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam have their last session together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very Sam focused, but it is leading up to some big changes. Hope it is worth the wait. Thanks, as always, for reading. <3

They arrived back in Lebanon just before five that night. The trip would’ve been quicker, but they had decided to stop and have a little picnic in a park just outside Lawrence, made a couple of pit stops for coffee and other road staples, and Dean felt both Donna and him making excuses to delay their return. Dean wanted to go back, he was the one to suggest it, but there was a part of him that was scared of what he would find upon his return. 

 

Dean had called Sam on the way and let him know that Donna would be returning with him to the bunker. Sam didn’t seem too surprised by the fact that they were returning, but there was a sadness in his voice that made Dean’s mind fill with dread. 

 

When they arrived back at the bunker, Sam greeted them in the war room, giving Donna a big warm hug. He looked tired and Dean could see the sorrow he heard on the phone reflected in his eyes. “How was the trip back?” Lola went trotting over to Sam, and Sam scratched behind her ear as he watched Dean.

 

Dean set down his duffle bag. “It was good. Not too much traffic.”

 

“Well, I’m glad you’re back.” Sam looked at Donna. “Both of you.”

 

She smiled at him. “Thanks, Sam.” Donna glanced between Dean and Sam. “You know what, I feel a little icky from the road. I think I’m gonna go freshen up.”

 

“Okay.” Dean gave her quick peck on the cheek as she walked out of the room, Lola in tow. 

 

Donna stopped and gave Sam a quick pat on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you, Sam.”

 

Sam smiled at her. “You too.” 

 

Dean rubbed the back of his head and looked around the room and realized how quiet it was. Too quiet. “So, where’s Beth and Cas?”

 

Sam looked down at his feet for a moment before looking back up. “Cas is actually cooking.” 

 

Dean’s eyes grew wide. “Cooking? I thought everything tastes like molecules to him?”

 

Sam chuckled, but it was a sad chuckle. “Well, apparently he doesn’t need tastes buds to cook. He discovered some cooking shows on Netflix and now he wants to try cooking them all.” Sam shrugged. “He’s actually pretty good at it.”

 

Dean felt like he had missed some big chunk of time, and he wondered what else might have changed while he was gone. “And Beth?”

 

“She, um… she went back to California.” Sam crossed his arms, trying to look as casual as possible, but Dean saw through it. “She’s visiting some people. May even do a case.”

 

“And she didn’t bring you?” Dean saw the hurt flash in Sam’s eyes and he regretted saying it.

 

“She thought it was better… we thought it was better if I stayed here.” They were silent for a moment, Dean not sure if he should push it and get to what was really going on, or go on pretending he didn’t see the sadness in Sam’s eyes.

 

“Sam, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Dean looked at him for a moment, trying to get him to open up if he could, but Sam closed up. “There’s nothing to tell.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Sam let out a shaky breath, but he just shook his head. “Yeah. I’m just tired.” Sam crossed his arms tightly, cutting off the continuation of the subject. “So, how are you?”

 

Dean regarded for a minute before answering. “I’m… I don’t know. I’m okay, I guess.” He looked down at his feet for a moment. “I’m sorry again for the way I acted with those people. I just-”

 

Sam held up his hand. “It's okay. I should’ve told you that I checked them. I should’ve told you a lot of things.” The last words were said so quietly that he wasn’t even sure he had heard them correctly. 

 

Dean painted on a smile, trying to ease the sadness that had been filling the room since he arrived. “So, we have a therapy session coming up.” 

 

Sam smiled at that, even looking a little relieved, and it was the first moment of happiness Dean had seen since he got back. “I was wondering if you remembered.”

 

“Of course I did. It’s our last one.” Dean was surprised by how sad those words made him. Just one more session with Sam and then his own final session would come. Soon his therapy would be over.

 

“Well, I think I’m gonna go splash my face with some water and try to wake up before dinner.” Sam slapped Dean on the back. “It’s good to have you back.” Dean smiled at him and watched as he walked out of the room, his shoulders slightly slumped and his gait slower than usual. There was definitely something going on. Something more than just Beth being on a vacation. 

 

***

 

Cas made them Chicken Parmesan, with homemade garlic bread, a mixed greens salad, and cheesecake for dessert. It was one of the best meals Dean had ever had. It made him sad that Cas couldn’t enjoy it with him, but the smile on Cas’ face told Dean that he didn’t seem to mind that much. Told him that making the meal was satisfaction enough for him. 

 

Dean was in the middle of his second helping, moaning around each bite, when Donna leaned over to him and whispered, “See, told you the noises you made were almost pornographic.” She winked at him and Dean nearly choked on the piece of bread he was chewing on. She giggled, patting him on the back. “You okay?”

 

Dean took a sip of water and nodded. “Yep. Perfectly fine.” 

 

Sam was quiet for most of the dinner, adding in little anecdotes about the time that Dean had been gone. Both Cas and him telling them about a salt and burn they did two towns over. Right before dessert was served, Sam excused himself, saying he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. Dean watched him leave and felt that big brotherly concern taking over. When Sam was out of earshot, he turned his attention to Cas. “What’s going on with, Sam?”

 

Cas looked toward the doorway like he was afraid Sam would come back at any second. “He just misses Beth.”

 

“When did she leave?”

 

“Um… a few days after you.” Dean didn’t expect to hear that. “I made some coffee; decaf.” Cas looked at Donna. “Would you like some?”

 

“That’d be great. Thanks, Cas.” 

 

He smiled and got up. “Dean?”

 

“No, thanks.” He watched as Cas walked over to the coffee maker. “Do you know when she’s coming back?” 

 

Cas stopped what he was doing for a moment and then returned to his activity. “You’ll have to ask, Sam.”

 

“He just seems so sad.”

 

Donna placed a hand on his arm. “Dean.” He looked at her and she shook her head. 

 

Dean didn’t want to drop it, but he knew he should really be having this conversation with Sam and not Cas. “Okay. I’ll talk to him about it in the morning.” Dean took a bite of cheesecake and grinned in approval. “This is amazing, Cas.”

 

Cas turned around, handing a cup of coffee to Donna. “I’m glad you like it, Dean.”

 

“Seriously, you are the head chef now.” Dean took another big bite, moaning around the fork and Donna’s eyebrows shot up and she gave him a knowing look. He winked at her and she laughed. 

 

***

 

Sam stayed in his room for most of the next day, just coming out for food and water. Dean tried talking to him, tried to get him to open up, but he would just use the same old excuse of being tired. 

 

Donna and Cas spent the day in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Donna would show Cas some cooking and baking shortcuts she knew and Cas would show her some of his favorite episodes from the shows he was watching. It was rather adorable to watch and Dean loved being able to enjoy the fruits of their labor. 

 

It was about one o’clock in the morning and Dean was having trouble sleeping. The bunker still seemed so quiet, even though only one person was missing. He realized then what an impact Beth’s presence had had on not only Sam’s life but his life as well. She had become family and having her gone seemed wrong. 

 

Dean quietly got out of bed, making sure not to wake Donna or Lola, and headed down the hall toward the kitchen. When he turned the corner he saw Sam sitting at the table, picking at a sandwich, his eyes staring at a cup of coffee. He didn’t even look up when Dean walked in, too immersed in whatever thoughts he was having. 

 

Dean cleared his throat and Sam looked up, his eyes going wide for a moment before he gave him a little smile. “Didn’t hear ya come in.”

  
  


Dean grabbed a cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake that Donna and Cas had made earlier and sat down across from Sam. “Can’t sleep?”

 

Sam picked at a piece of lettuce, before pushing the plate away. “Yeah.” He looked up at Dean. “You?”

 

“It just seemed too quiet to sleep.” Sam nodded at that like he agreed, and Dean saw that sorrow again. “You know if you need to go to California and-”

 

Sma stood up quickly. “She’ll be back soon.” He walked over to the sink. “She just needed some time.” Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Sam just headed toward the door. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Sam.” Dean watched as his brother walked away, his shoulders still slumped, his walk still slow, and his heart hurt for him. 

 

***

 

Dean and Sam’s last therapy session happened two days later. The drive over was filled with silence, Sam still in this cloud of sadness that he didn’t want to discuss. Dean had managed to get him to tell him that he wasn’t sure how soon Beth would be returning, and Dean was pretty sure he had heard him mutter, “If she ever does,” under his breath, but Dean didn’t push it. He didn’t want to pry open a fresh wound that he still wasn’t sure existed. 

 

They arrived right on time and Dean was struck by how happy he was to be there. Seeing the tattered furniture and the little window in the corner, made him feel at home. Made him feel safe. His stomach hurt when he remembered that he was leaving this place soon. Leaving because he had decided to. 

 

“Sam, Dean, it’s nice to see both of you.” Laura turned to Sam. “Sam, do you mind if I just have a couple of minutes with your brother alone?”

 

“Sure. No problem.” Sam nodded and walked back out to the lobby as Laura shut the door. 

 

“So, how have you been, Dean?” Laura sat down, crossing her legs. 

 

Dean took his familiar spot on the couch, his body almost sinking into it. “I’ve been… I don’t know. Here.”

 

Laura cocked her head to the side and glanced down at her trusty notebook. “Did you go to Lawrence?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean looked down at his jeans. 

 

“And how was that?”

 

Dean glanced back up. “It was confusing and overwhelming and,” he chuckled, “kind of great.”

 

“And what was great about it?”

 

He smiled, his mind flashing back to the fake prom. “Donna. She was amazing.” 

 

Laura smiled. “I’m glad you took her with you.”

 

“Me too.” He crossed his arms. “She arranged this fake little prom for us, complete with cheesy outfits and music.”

 

“How did that make you feel?”

 

“Happy. Really happy. But also a little sad.”

 

“Where does the sad part come from?”

 

“The fact that it wasn’t really real.” Dean uncrossed his arms. “I mean it was real, but it wasn’t what others experience.”

 

“And you wish you had experienced that when you were young?”

 

“I wish I’d gotten the chance.”

 

She nodded. “That’s understandable. You were denied a lot and I’m sure there is a part of you that has always wondered about those things.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve just tried to keep that part of me buried.”

 

“Did you go to your old house?”

 

Dean felt his whole body tense at the question and he briefly glanced at the clock on Laura’s tiny desk. “We’ve kept Sam waiting long enough, don’t you think?”

 

“Dean, we don’t have to talk about it right now, but remember, we only have one more session left after this.”

 

Dean was shocked by how much those words stung, but he put on a brave face and nodded. “I know and that last session was going to be a freebie, right? No talking about hard stuff.” He raised his eyebrow.

 

“Yes, I did say that.” He saw the disappointment on her face and he was happy to see it. The truth was he didn’t want the last session to be a freebie. He didn’t want to be let off the hook. “But it doesn’t have to be.”

 

Dean wasn’t ready to give in yet. “Let’s just bring Sam in. Get this final group therapy one over with.” He smiled and she smiled back.

 

“Okay.” She got up and let Sam in. 

 

Sam took a seat next to Dean and took the bottle of water that Laura offered. “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Laura sat down across from them and turned the page on her journal. “So, how have you been, Sam?”

 

Sam tugged on the water bottle’s label and gave a non-committal shrug. “I’ve been okay. Tired.”

 

Laura regarded him for a moment, the same way she would look at Dean when she knew he was holding back. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

 

Sam shifted in his seat and glanced at Dean before looking back at Laura. “I don’t know. Whatever you talk about in last sessions, I guess.”

 

“We can talk about whatever you two want to talk about.”

 

Sam looked down at his lap and Dean saw that sadness again. “I… I don’t know.” He looked back up and glanced at Dean. “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“I don’t know.” Dean glanced away and looked at Laura and let out a nervous laugh. “I guess this was a pointless session.”

 

“Sometimes it's hard to get the ball rolling.” Laura pointed to her notebook. “But that’s what I’m here for.” Dean dreaded whatever that meant. “So, Sam how did you feel about Dean going to Lawrence?”

 

Dean swallowed and looked over at Sam. Sam looked almost relieved at the question and that made Dean even more nervous. “I was happy he went.”

 

“And you’ve gone before, right?”

 

Sam nodded. “Yeah. A few times.” And that relief that was there was replaced by a look of shame. 

 

“How was it for you to go home?”

 

“Well, I never really considered it my home. We left when I was just a baby, so I didn’t really even remember it.” He shrugged. “The first time I went back it was like visiting someone else’s memories. But I loved it. It was nice to know that there was a place that used to be home, even if I didn’t really get to experience it.” He gave her a half smile. 

 

“How many times have you been back?”

 

“Several.” Sam glanced at Dean, before looking back at Laura. “It’s kind of a yearly thing.”

 

“Dean, how do you feel about what Sam said?”

 

“Fine.” He crossed his arms. “He already told me this.”

 

“You knew that place better than Sam. Was it nice to visit your old home?” He thought this had been dropped, but apparently not.

 

Dean looked away. “Not really.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I actually do remember, or at least I think I do.”

 

“Why do you say think?”

 

“Because I’m not sure which memories are real and which were just ones our dad made up.”

 

“Did he do that often, tell you stories from then?”

 

Both Sam and Dean nodded. “All the time,” Dean said. 

 

“And you think some were made up, Dean?”

 

“Let’s just say I knew my dad from then, or bits and pieces, and he didn’t have this perfect marriage and life that he would tell Sam and I about.”

 

“And when he told you these stories you knew he was lying?”

 

“Yes, but I didn’t want to, so I went along with them. I believed them.”

 

Laura turned to Sam. “And you, Sam? Did you believe the stories?”

 

“Yes. Every word.”

 

“How do you feel hearing that Dean doesn’t believe them?”

 

“Dean told me a while back that their marriage wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.” Sam crossed his arms tightly. “But I still wanted to believe it was true.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I had to believe that my dad wasn’t always so hard and distant.” Sam looked down and Dean saw how vulnerable he was, almost a like a little kid. 

 

“Sam, did you get along with your dad?”

 

Sam laughed and looked up. “Yeah, not so much. I mean I forgave him for what he did to us, but we butted heads all the time.”

 

“Because you wanted to go to college?”

 

Sam shook his head. “Because I didn’t want to be him.”

 

“Dean, how did you feel watching Sam and your dad butt heads?”

 

“I was pretty used to it.” He smirked. “They both can be so bullheaded.” Dean felt Sam looking at him and he suspected he was rolling his eyes.

 

“Did you ever feel in the middle of their fights?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Did you ever have to play referee?”

 

Dean shifted in his seat and avoided looking at Sam. “I just wanted them to get along.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because then it would be easier.”

 

“What would be easier?”

 

“Everything.” Dean rolled his shoulders. 

 

“It must have been hard to be in the middle like that.”

 

Dean glanced at Sam and saw him staring at him, looking like he really wanted to hear the answers to these questions. Like he really wanted to know the truth. Dean looked away. “I wasn't in the middle. I was just… I was just the peacemaker, I guess.”

 

“And how was it with your dad when Sam left?”

 

This was definitely something he didn’t want to answer while Sam was in the room. “Um… it was… I don’t know. Different.” Dean rubbed the back of his head. “There’s nothing really to talk about. Sam left. My dad missed him and bragged about him, but was too pigheaded to pick up a phone or drive up to see him. So, yeah.”

 

“Sam, how does what Dean said make you feel?”

 

“I never wanted Dean to have to be the peacemaker, but he just always seemed to like Dad.” Sam shook his head. “Which I never really understood. But I had no idea that my dad missed me. I thought he was glad I was gone.”

 

Dean looked at Sam. “He was never happy about that. He was proud of you, but never happy you were gone.” Dean swallowed. “You were his favorite.” Dean hadn’t meant to say it, but there it was.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s true. You always were. That’s why he tried to protect you for so long.”

 

“Dean, I think that was just because I was younger.”

 

“You didn’t see the way his face lit up when he talked about you.” Dean picked at a piece of lint on his jeans. “He was glad you left. He was glad you were getting away from it all. Even if he didn’t have the balls to admit it.” Sam just stared at Dean.

 

“Dean, do you think your dad ever talked about you like that?”

 

Dean looked up at Laura. “No. I think my dad was ashamed of me.”

 

“Oh come on, Dean. You know that’s not true.” Sam turned in his seat to face Dean. “You were the good son. The one who followed orders.”

 

“I was the one who he left in a boy’s home.”

 

“That doesn’t mean he didn’t love you.”

 

“It doesn’t mean he liked me.” They looked at each other for a moment, neither one sure of what to say.

 

Laura broke the silence. “How did your dad treat you when you lived in Lawrence, Dean?”

 

Dean wasn’t expecting that question and it took him a minute to process. “Fine, I guess.” Dean glanced out the window, his mind flashing on that picture he saw in the auto repair shop, his dad grinning, happier than Dean could ever recall seeing him around him. Dean looked back at Sam. “Did you ever visit Dad’s old garage?”

 

Sam shook his head. “No. I drove by a couple of times, but for some reason, I couldn’t make myself stop by. Did you?”

 

“Yeah. I took Baby there saying she needed an oil change, pretended to be someone else.” He glanced at Laura, hoping she wouldn’t look disgusted by that, but she was just listening intently, no judgment there. He looked back at Sam. “He kept saying that the Impala looked so familiar and then… then he remembered where he had seen her. He had a picture, a framed picture, of Dad and I and the Impala.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“Yeah, exactly.” Dean looked away, shaking his head. “You should’ve seen Dad’s face, Sam. He looked so damn happy. I’d never seen that look on his face, especially when I was there.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

Dean let out a humorless chuckle. “I turned tail and ran.”

 

“Why did you run, Dean,” Laura asked.

 

Dean thought about it for a moment, not even sure of the full reasoning behind it. “Because it was too real. It was too normal. I didn’t recognize the man in that photo.”

 

“You didn’t recognize the love he had for you?”

 

“What? No, it wasn’t love in the photo, it was just happiness.”

 

“Happiness to be with his son.”

 

Dean shrugged. “I guess.” He wanted a break from this. He wasn’t ready to confront whether or not his dad had once really loved him. “Can we talk about something else now?” Dean looked at Sam. “Is that okay?” Sam looked at him for a moment and Dean thought for sure he was going to object, but he simply nodded.

 

“Okay.” Laura glanced at Sam. “How was it while Dean was gone?”

 

Dean saw Sam’s body stiffen slightly and that sadness shrouded his face again. “It was okay. Busy with work.”

 

“And Beth and Cas? How are they?”

 

Sam stiffened even more and Dean thought maybe he should jump in, but Sam spoke up. “Cas is great. Beth… Beth is away in California.”

 

“For how long?”

 

Sam looked down at his hands. “I’m not sure. She… she may not come back.” Sam quickly glanced at Dean before looking away.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” Dean asked.

 

“Because I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I didn’t want to believe it.” Sam sat back, running a hand through his hair.

 

Dean turned to face Sam. “Why don’t you think she’s coming back?”

 

“Because she left because she was angry at me. She was so angry at me.” Sam continued to avoid looking at Dean.

 

“Why?”

 

Sam looked at him this time, but only for a second before he looked toward the door. “Because I lied to you.”

 

“What?”

 

Sam let out a sigh. “I told her about keeping Lawrence from you and everything and she was furious.”

 

Dean knitted his brow. “But that had nothing to do with her.”

 

Sam shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. She’s worried if I would do that to you, I would for sure do it to her.” Sam looked down shame on his face. “Thing is, she’s kind of got a point.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Sam finally looked up at him without looking away. “Oh come on, Dean. You said it yourself. We keep doing this. We lie all the time and we think we do it to protect each other, but in the end, we just end up hurting each other. Maybe it’s just in our DNA.” Sam gestured toward Dean. “I mean you said you think Dad made up memories of the time before Mom died.” Dean just stared at him, not sure what to say.

 

“How does what Sam said make you feel, Dean?”

 

Dena shook his head and looked at Laura. “I don’t know. Sad. Beth is great and he deserves to be happy.”

 

“But how does him saying lying is in your DNA make you feel?”

 

Dean clasped his hands together. “I think he’s right.” 

 

“How do you think you change that?” She asked it to Dean, but she also glanced at Sam, knowing that both of them needed to try and think of an answer. 

 

Dean glanced at Sam, but his face was drawn down into a frown and he looked so lost. Dean crossed his arms. “We stop lying. It’s as simple as that.”

 

“And if you can’t do that?”

 

“Then I guess we keep losing people we love.” Dean glanced toward the window, suddenly feeling an ache in his chest at the thought of maybe losing Donna to a lie or even Lola. 

 

“I think we try not to lie. I think we try not to keep the important things bottled up,” Sam said. Dean looked over at him and Sam smiled at Dean. “That’s what we’ve been trying to do, right?” Dean nodded. “So we continue to do that and we practice it day in and day out until that becomes our second nature. Until that replaces the DNA we already have.” Sma seemed so sure of that. So sure that it replaced every ounce of insecurity Dean had seen the past few days.

 

“You need to go get Beth.” It came out of Dean’s mouth without a second thought. Maybe it was part of that not trying to lie anymore. 

 

Sam opened and shut his mouth a few times before finally responding. “She doesn’t want to see me.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“Because she was so angry.”

 

“Yeah, well I’ve gotten pretty damn angry at you before and I still wanted to see you.”

 

“It’s not the same thing, Dean.”

 

“You’re right, it's not. It’s more important.” Sam furrowed his brow and looked at him like he was crazy. “It is, Sam. You can’t let her go. You can’t run away from her like you do other things.” Dean felt a slight twist in his stomach at those last words, especially when he saw the pained expression on Sam’s face, but he didn’t regret saying it and that was a huge step. 

 

Sam smiled. “So, I should go get her, huh?” Dean nodded. Sam turned back to Laura. “Do you agree?”

 

“I think it's worth a try.”

 

Sam smiled to himself. “Thanks.” 

 

The rest of the session was filled with a few closing thoughts, Laura letting Sam know that he could call her as well if he needed anything at all. Dean watched his brother. Watched as the sorrow that had overwhelmed him before seemed to slowly lessen until it was at a manageable level. Until there were traces of hope mixed in. And he realized something. He realized he could let his brother go. He didn’t need to protect him anymore. He didn’t need to be his father. He just needed to be his brother. His friend. He could be free too. He could just be himself. Just be Dean Winchester. 

  
  
  
  
  



	9. Saying Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a final session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I apologize for the long delay. Life has been kind of crazy for me and my writer's block has gotten the best of me. Then my dog passed away suddenly and the idea of writing about another dog or this subject matter just was too much. But my creativity seems to be back and I am hoping it stays. <3
> 
> This chapter does contain references to childhood emotional abuse.

Sam left two days later. He had paced around the bunker, cell in hand, his eyes staring at Beth’s contact info for hours before finally dialing. Dean heard the relief in his brother’s voice and he knew that Beth had agreed to see him. It was the first time since Dean had been back that he actually saw a weight lifted from his brother’s shoulders. He was happy for him. He was. All Dean really wanted was for his brother to be happy and content even if it meant that Sam never returned from California. Even if it meant that Sam decided to continue his life with Beth outside of Kansas. Outside of the safe walls of the bunker. 

 

But Dean was also scared. Terrified, really. It wasn’t really the thought of being without his brother, although that thought often filled him with a fear that always resembled the fear he had felt when he had watched his family home burn. The fear Dean was feeling now was tinged with something else. Something he couldn’t name yet. Something he wasn’t even fully in touch with. But it was there, scratching at the surface, making him jumpy, making that craving for dark brown liquid burn inside. Making him thirsty no matter how much water he drank. 

 

Donna was still there. Still by his side. Still next to him when he would wake in the middle of the night, the thirst waking him from whatever new nightmare he had dreamt. Her peaceful sleeping face would bring him some calm. She was the only thing that did that. 

 

Two weeks after they had returned, Donna received a package. Not at the door, but at the local post office. It was a box of some of her belongings, some more clothes, a book or two and various other items. She had looked almost embarrassed, maybe even a little afraid, when her package arrived. But she didn’t say anything. She just asked if she could borrow Baby to go into town, and Dean was shocked by how easily he handed the keys over. When she returned, big box in hand, Dean saw the pink tinge to her cheeks, her eyes avoiding his at first. “I was getting sick of the clothes I had.” She shrugged, trying to be more confident than she appeared. 

 

But she had nothing to be worried about. Watching Donna carry that box into his room, their room, made him downright giddy. He wanted more of her in this place. More of her clothes. Her perfume. Her lotion. Her hair ties. So many hair ties. He loved them all. Loved how day by day more of her was moving into his home. It was never discussed. It was just happening and it was the only thing making Dean smile. 

 

Donna had even slipped up a couple of times and called the Bunker home. Dean had felt the smile creep on his face at those words, but he saw the embarrassment and the doubt in Donna’s eyes as she let those words slip. He knew they should talk about this, no matter how easy it appeared to be. Donna still had a life in Stillwater. Friends. A house. He couldn’t insist that she left that. His mind would sometimes wander to thoughts of perhaps leaving Kansas altogether. Maybe joining Donna in Stillwater. Making that home base. But that scared him even more than Sam leaving. 

 

Dean’s last session was just around the corner. Looming over him like some dark storm cloud waiting to break open and pour rain down on top of him. He still felt he would be sticking to his plan of quitting, but this nagging voice inside kept telling him he still had so much work left to do. He hadn’t dealt with that father stuff Laura had wanted him to face. He hadn’t dealt with a lot. Hadn’t even dealt with the reality of saying goodbye to his weekly sessions. 

 

Donna was busy whipping up a batch of chocolate chip pancakes, something she had gotten into the habit of doing Sunday mornings. Cas was in the library scouring for cases. They had had a brief one in Wyoming. A haunted Inn. Quick salt and burn that Donna had wanted to go on, but Dean had somehow convinced her to stay behind to watch Lola. But the icy smile she had given him when he left and the biting “Yes, dear,” as she assured him she would call if anything came up, let him know that next time she would not let him leave her behind. 

 

Dean was staring into his cup of coffee, watching the liquid swirl as he stirred it with his spoon. “What ‘cha thinkin’ ‘bout?” 

 

Dean shook his head, pulling his mind away from the cup of hot liquid, and looked up at Donna, smiling. “Nothing. Just those delicious pancakes of yours.”

 

She shook her head, giving him a look that told him she wasn’t buying it and flipped over the pancake on the grill. “Your therapy’s at one tomorrow, right?”

 

Dean swallowed and nodded his head. “Yep.”

 

Donna placed a couple of pancakes on a plate and set them down in front of Dean. “I’ll drive you.” Donna walked back to the stove, pouring some more batter on the grill. 

 

“Donna, you don’t need to do that.” Dean poured more than the necessary amount of syrup over his pancakes. 

 

“I know I don’t have to,” Donna looked over her shoulder at him, “but I want to.” Dean took a bite and closed his eyes as the deliciousness took over and he almost forgot what they were discussing. “Besides, you should have someone there for you.” That brought him back to the present. 

 

Dean sighed and set his fork down. “Donna, I’ve been doing this alone for a long time now. I don’t need you there.” A look of hurt crossed Donna’s face so quickly that if he hadn’t known her so well he would’ve missed it.

 

Donna took her plate of pancakes to the table and sat down, placing her napkin on her lap, and avoiding Dean’s eyes. “Well, you aren’t alone anymore.”

 

“Donna-”

 

Her eyes cut to him. “You’re quitting therapy. Therapy, Dean. It’s not like quitting a class or some job finishing up. This is big.” She blinked and looked down at her plate. “I don’t want you to be alone after.” She placed her hands on her lap and Dean saw it, the fear. 

 

“You think I’m gonna get drunk, don’t you?” 

 

Donna licked her lips and slowly looked back at him. “I’m just worried. That’s all.”

 

“Donna, I haven’t had a drink in months.”

 

Donna swallowed and she looked just past him, her eyes landing on the wall just above the stove. “You’ve been having nightmares lately and you’ve been drinking so much water that-”

 

“Why do you think I’m having nightmares?”

 

She looked at him, her hand hovering above the table like she wanted to touch him but was afraid he would reject her. “You toss and turn and sometimes you… sometimes I wake up to you clutching on to me, shaking.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “I know you’re scared because of Sam and… and everything. I just… last time you…” She looked back down at her lap again. “I don’t want to lose you.”

 

Dean reached a hand out to her and took her hand under the table, squeezing it. “You’re not going to lose me.”

 

She gave him a soft smile, running her finger along his knuckles. “Please just let me take you.”

 

“Donna-”

 

She gave him a pleading look that made him feel a little sick. “Please, Dean.”

 

Dean pulled his hand away, trying to ignore the sadness on Donna’s face, and took another bite of food. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

 

“I didn’t say you did.”

 

“I’ve been driving to these damn sessions by myself for over two years now. I think I can find my way there and back with no problem.” Dean took a bite of pancake, his teeth scraping along the fork.

 

Donna looked at him for a second before she cocked her eyebrow and said, “Well, I seem to recall a certain session where you didn’t exactly make it home sober.” She took a sip of coffee, her face turned from him.

 

Dean froze and turned to face her. Her face was drawn into a tight smile, but he could see the regret in her eyes. Dean crossed his arms. “You want me to fall apart.”

 

Donna’s eyes grew wide. “What!?”

 

Dean pointed at her. “You want an excuse to baby me.”

 

“I… that’s insane.” Donna looked away from him, shaking her head.

 

He tried to will himself to shut up, but he felt hurt and scared. “Not so insane. In fact, it makes perfect sense.”

 

She glared at him. “You really think that? You think I want you to fall apart? That’s just cruel.”

 

“Nope. I think I’m on to something here.”

 

He saw the anger in her eyes. “Dean-”

 

“I think it’s easier for you to take care of your alcoholic boyfriend then to face that fact that you are just wandering around aimlessly without a clue about what you’re doing with your own damn life.” 

 

Donna’s lower lip trembled, but she didn’t break. “That’s not fair. I’ve done so much for you. I went to Lawrence. I basically moved out here without even…” Donna pushed away from the table. “You know what, you can go by yourself. You can get drunk. Have nightmares. Whatever the hell you want.” She tossed her napkin down and stood up, her chair scraping along the floor making Dean jump slightly. “I really don’t give a damn!” She stormed out, leaving him staring at her empty chair and hating himself. 

 

***

 

Donna avoided Dean for the rest of the day. She ran to the store. Took Lola for a walk. Would leave a room the second he entered it, her eyes avoiding his and she refused to even respond to any word he said. She did anything to stay away from him and it was killing him. 

 

The sun was starting to set and Donna had taken Lola out for the second walk of the day. Dean had started cooking dinner, but looking at the empty seat that Donna would usually occupy was breaking his heart. He set down his knife, grabbed a light jacket, and headed outside. 

 

He found Donna just a few feet away from the bunker. She was sitting on a log that they would often sit on after dinner while enjoying a cup of coffee and maybe a slice of pie. Her back was to him and Lola was lying down next to her, her head near Donna’s feet. 

 

Dean swallowed and mustered up all the courage he could. “Donna?”

 

He saw her startle slightly as she sniffled and wiped away the tears he could picture. The tears he hated himself for. “What do you want, Dean?”

 

He bristled at the cold tone in her voice, but at least she was speaking to him. He had to count that as some kind of win. He took a few steps toward her and heard Lola’s tail lightly thunk against the ground and her face smile up at him, but she stayed by Donna’s side. “You’ve been out here for a while and I was getting worried.”

 

She glanced over her shoulder at him. Her eyes were bloodshot, her nose looked sore, and he saw a tissue in her hand. She looked like someone had broken her heart and he hated that it was him. “I’m fine, Dean. Just aimlessly contemplating my existence.” There was a biting tone to her words that made him shiver. She looked away.

 

Dean stood there for a moment, just staring at the back of her head. His brain kept telling him to turn and go. Turn and leave. Just leave her alone. But his heart wanted to be next to her. His heart wanted to comfort her and make all the bad feelings go away. He took a couple steps closer, stopping when his knees hit the back of the log. “Donna-”

 

“Just leave me alone, Dean.” Donna crossed her arms tightly, turning her body even further away from him. 

 

Dean hesitated for a second, before stepping over the log and taking a seat next to her, careful to leave some space between them. “Not until you let me talk to you.”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

 

“Donna, I’m so sorry. What I said, I… I didn’t mean it, okay.” He briefly reached his hand out, letting it hover just inches from her back, willing his fingers not to close the distance. 

 

Donna looked down. “But you were right.” She tugged at the hem of her shirt. “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.” She slowly turned toward him, her eyes still cast downward. “I guess I just thought if I came out here and took care of you that I would somehow find a purpose. That I would somehow know what to do with my life now.”

 

“It’s okay if you don’t what you’re doing.”

 

“I’m in my thirties, divorced, and an ex-sheriff living out of boxes.” She let out a humorless laugh. “I’m a joke.”

 

Dean scooted closer to her, grateful when she didn’t move away. “Donna, I’m almost forty and living with my brother and a disgraced angel. If anyone’s a joke here, it’s me.”

 

“But you have a purpose.”

 

“Donna, look at me.” She hesitated for a moment, before turning her eyes toward him. “You have a purpose. You help save people. You bring light to darkness and not just mine.” Dean reached his hand out, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “You are everything to me. You give me purpose. You give me a reason to keep going.” He took her hand, gently squeezing it and wanting to thank God that she was letting him touch her again. “But your job isn’t to take care of me. Your job isn’t to save me or be my protector. You’re my partner. I’m here for you and you’re here for me. We’re equals.” He smiled at her. “And anything you need, I want to help you too, okay?”

 

Donna looked down at their intertwined fingers and she took in a deep breath before looking back up at him. “Okay then. What I need is for you to let me take you to your appointment tomorrow.”

 

“Donna-”

 

“And not because I think it's my job to save you or anything like that. But because we’re partners and I need… I want to be there for my partner.”

 

He brought her hand up to his mouth and gave her a quick kiss. “Okay. You can take me to my appointment.” She smiled triumphantly. “But Lola goes in with me.” 

 

“Deal.” She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a hug. The best hug he had had in quite a while, maybe forever.

 

“I really am sorry, Donna.”

 

“I know.” She ran her hand down his back. “I know.” They held onto each other as the sun slowly set. 

 

***

 

Dean let Donna drive Baby to his last therapy appointment and he found himself feeling relieved because of it. The truth was he had woken up with a wicked case of nerves. His stomach was tied in knots and he couldn’t stop his knee from jostling or the little tick in his finger. Every once in a while Donna would reach her hand out and squeeze his hand gently, bringing him back to the present, grounding him for a moment. 

 

They pulled into the parking lot five minutes before his appointment and he felt his mouth go dry. Felt his stomach flip-flop and his heart rate speed up. He hadn’t been this nervous to come here since the first time. “I’ll be down here waiting.” Dean looked over at Donna and nodded. 

 

Dean looked over the back of the seat and Lola grinned back at him. “Ready for our last session, girl?” Lola cocked her head to the side for a moment before nudging the door with her nose. “I guess that’s a yes.”

 

Dean placed his hand on the door, his body frozen for a moment. Donna squeezed his shoulder. “It’s okay. You can do this.” He nodded and gave Donna a quick kiss before exiting the car. He grabbed Lola from the back and waved to Donna as they entered the building. 

 

When they walked into Laura’s waiting room his senses were greeted with a sweet smell, a smell he knew and loved; pie. He smiled to himself, happy that she remembered, and walked up to her open office door and knocked. Laura looked up from her desk and smiled. “Come in, Dean.”  He walked in, looking around at the room that had become so familiar to him. The room he had cried in. The room he had discovered things in. The room his life had changed in. 

 

There was a small table next to the couch he had spent so many hours on. On top of the table were three pie boxes, two plates, a knife, forks, napkins, and a couple of dog bones. Dean swallowed around the lump in his throat and sat down. Laura smiled at him as she took out her trusty notebook. She nodded toward the pie boxes. “Apple, cherry, and pecan.”

 

He swallowed and choked out, “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” She clicked her pen open. “Do you want some water?”

 

“Yes, please.” He watched as she opened that little fridge that always seemed to contain at least four little bottles of water and smiled as she handed him one. He opened it and took a few sips, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Thanks.”

 

She nodded. “You can cut yourself a piece of pie if you want.” Dean glanced over at the boxes, trying to decide which one to cut into. “Or have three.” He smiled at that and decided to go for it. He cut himself three generous slices of pie and handed one of the dog bones to Lola, who happily took it and lied down on the dog bed that had slowly become part of Laura’s decor. 

 

Dean sat back on the couch, his overflowing plate in his lap, and looked up at Laura. “Did you want me to get you some?”

 

She shook her head. “No. I’m fine, thanks.” He nodded and took a bite of the apple pie, grinning around the fork. “So, our last session, Dean.” He nodded, trying to cover up the frown he felt forming on his face. “As I said, we don’t have to talk about anything serious, although I do have some printouts that I brought to go over things you can do if things get bad.”

 

“Okay.” He scooped up a bite of cherry pie and stopped before putting it in his mouth. “I know I never really finished with the dad stuff.”

 

“That’s okay. Not everything can be solved.” She crossed her legs. “But we can talk about that more today if you want.”

 

Dean took the bite of cherry pie, letting the sweetness overwhelm his senses for a moment. “I didn’t have any pie for about five years after my mom died.” He set the fork down, his eyes looking at the gooey goodness on the plate. “It was something that reminded my dad and I of my mom and I just think it was too hard for either of us to handle.” He smiled to himself. “But then one day after my dad had a particularly rough business trip, he surprised me with an apple pie and vanilla ice cream.” Dean picked at the apple pie slice, his eyes dancing over the caramel coloring. “It was a cheap store brand pie and the ice cream was generic, but it was one of the best damn pies I’ve ever had.” 

 

“I’m glad your dad did that for you.” Dean nodded. “Did your dad have a lot of rough business trips?”

 

Dean’s smile faltered and he set the pie aside, leaning back. “More than I can count.”

 

“How did he handle those?”

 

Dean crossed his arms. “Drinking mostly. Sometimes yelling.” Dean shrugged. “I don’t know.”

 

“Who did he yell at?”

 

Dean blinked rapidly and looked toward the window. “Mainly me.”

 

“What would he yell at you about?”

 

“Sammy, mainly. I never seemed to do anything right. I was feeding him too much junk food or I was not spending enough time with him or I was just letting him down.”

 

“And how did that make you feel?”

 

“Worthless.” Dean dug his fingernails into his biceps, hoping the pain would distract him from this conversation that he had somehow allowed himself to get into. 

 

“I can imagine.”

 

“I thought we were going to do a light session today.” Dean let out a little nervous chuckle.

 

“We can. It’s completely up to you.”

 

Dean chuckled softly. “So, done with the pushing then?” 

 

Laura smiled. “I just want you to get what you need from this last session, whatever that may be.”

 

“But you still want me to talk about my dad, don’t you?”

 

She shook her head. “It’s up to you.” Dean gave her a quick smile before looking away. “Dean?” He looked back at her. “Do you want me to push it?”

 

Dean swallowed, tugging on the hem of his shirt. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Maybe.”

 

Laura gave him a smile that was laced with so much pride that it made him ache. She glanced down at the notebook in her lap and he saw her take a little breath before looking back up at him. “You said your dad yelled at you.” Dean nodded slowly. “Did he ever hit you?”

 

Dean’s eyes went wide and he instantly regretted asking her to push it. “No. Of course not.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Am I sure? What kind of question is that?”

 

“Dean, I have to ask. You said he was verbally abusive and-”

 

“I never said that!” 

 

“You said he yelled at you.”

 

“Yeah, about Sammy or how I wasn’t giving enough to the job or-”

 

Laura knitted her brow. “The job?”

 

Shit. “Yeah. You know taking care of Sammy. The job.” Dean shifted in his seat and avoided looking at her. “He never hit me. Never. He was just tough.”

 

“Tough?”

 

“Yes. He knew I had to be prepared for what was coming and I couldn’t… I couldn’t…” Dean trailed off looking out the window. 

 

“Couldn’t feel?”

 

Dean felt his bottom lip quivering and he quickly crossed his arms so tightly that his fingers dug into his arm. “You don’t understand. I can’t get wrapped up in the emotions of things. I do that and I… I lose. We all lose.”

 

Laura gave him a confused look, but she let it go. “Dean, I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t emotionless.”

 

Dean scoffed. “I know that.”

 

“You are filled with emotions.”

 

“You know what, maybe I was wrong to ask you to push me.”

 

She ignored him. “You’re one of the most empathetic people I have ever met.” He turned his head further away from her, pursing his lips to try and stop them from quivering. “Emotions don’t make you weak. They don’t make you less than. They make you more. They make you strong. And you are very, very strong.”

 

Dean looked toward the glass of the window, trying to let those words take over. Trying to feel that strength. “He used to tell me that I had to be strong. No crying. No breaking. I had to be strong for Sammy. For the memory of my mom.” Dean loosened his arms and glanced down at the arm of the couch. “He told me I would be in charge when he was gone. That I had to be an adult. No childish games for me. No. I was older. I was stronger.” He rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. “Sam was the one who cried. Sam was the one who got to ignore what our life had become. Sam was the one who played childish games.”

 

“Dean, what your dad did to you. It wasn’t okay.” Dean shrugged. “It wasn’t okay.”

 

“He did what he had to do.”

 

Laura shook her head. “What he did to you was not okay. It wasn’t.”

 

Dean finally looked at her. “But he had to do it. What we had to face later... “ He saw the question in her eyes and tried to quickly move past that. “I had to be a good little soldier. I couldn’t let him see me break. I couldn’t let him see me cry.” Dean’s hands began to shake and his lower lip trembled beyond his control.

 

“You don’t have to hide your tears from me.” Dean let out a soft sob, feeling that wall break once again. “Dean, what happened with your dad and your mom, it wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault.”

 

Dean held his hands in his lap as he felt the tears falling. “I just wish I knew why he hated me so much.”

 

“Why do you think he hated you?”

 

“The way he would look at me sometimes it was like I was… I was scum.” Dean sniffled. “And then he would look at Sam and it was like no matter how much they butted heads or fought, he loved him. I never saw that look.” Dean closed his eyes, flashing on that picture from the auto shop. “At least not after we left Lawrence.” Dean looked down at his lap, brushing away a stray crumb. “But there was this one time in the hospital that he seemed to… seemed to see me.” Dean looked up, his vision clouded with tears. 

 

“The hospital?”

 

“I never told you much about that car accident my dad died in, did I?” Laura shook her head. “Well, I almost died too. Like at death’s door and all that.” Dean leaned back on the couch. “Anyway, before he died he told me that he shouldn’t have put so much on me. Told me he was proud of me.” 

 

“How did that make you feel?”

 

“Confused. Happy.” Dean smiled briefly and then remembered the rest of what his dad told him. “But then he told me something else. Something that just hurt.”

 

“What was that?”

 

He tried to figure out the right words to say. The way to put it without letting her know what his dad really told him. “He told me to save Sam.” Dean shook his head. “Save Sam. Look after Sam. Protect Sam.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I mean he was right. I needed to.”

 

“Dean, did he really need to tell you to do that by that time?”

 

“No, but-”

 

“Your father, who up until this point has treated you like a soldier, finally acknowledges the wrong in that but then instantly follows that up with another order.” She shook her head. “Doesn’t that piss you off?”

 

“It was a long time ago.”

 

“It pisses me off.”

 

Dean let out a chuckle. “Well, I’ll be sure to tell him if I ever see him again.”

 

“Dean, you are allowed to be angry at him. You are allowed to feel betrayed and abandoned by him.”

 

“He didn’t abandon me.”

 

“Dean, people can abandon you without actually leaving. And your dad did abandon you.” Laura set the notebook aside and leaned forward. “How do you really feel about your father?”

 

Dean rubbed his chin. “I loved my dad.”

 

“I know. But how do you feel about him?”

 

Dean rolled his shoulders back and looked at the tiny clock on Laura’s desk. “Isn’t it time we start wrapping things up?”

 

“Dean, I want you to be honest and answer that question. Please.”

 

“You said I could do anything I wanted for my last session.”

 

“I know.”

  
  


“I don’t think I want to do this.” Dean felt his leg bouncing and his hands shaking.

 

“I know it’s hard and I’m sorry to push it like this, but I think it’s important that you at least do this before you leave.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Yes, you can.” She leaned forward more, her arms on her legs. “How do you really feel about your father?”

 

Dean felt his breath getting faster and the tears still falling. “I can’t stand him, okay!” She nodded. “I’m fucking furious. I feel so goddamn invisible because of him. I feel so unloved. I hate him sometimes. I hate him so much that it makes me sick. But I love him and I just… I just want to know why. I want to know why he did that to us. Why he did that to me. I just want to know why he wanted this life for me. Why he wanted me to be here. To do the things I had to do. I want to know why he blames me.”

 

“Blames you for what?”

 

“For all of it. For my mom. For Sam. For our life.” Dean watched as the tears fell on to his jeans. “He left me at that home. That boy’s home and I… I was so damn grateful, which is crazy. But it was a relief. It was a break and then he took it from me. He took everything from me.”

 

“Good.”

 

“It’s not good.”

 

“No. I mean good that you are acknowledging that.”

 

Dean furiously wiped away at the tears that just wouldn’t stop falling. “Doesn’t do me a lot of good to whine about the past.”

 

“It’s not whining, Dean. It’s acknowledging it so you can let it go.”

 

“There’s nothing to let go of.”

 

Laura shook her head. “Him. There’s him, Dean. You can let go of him. You can let go of what he told you and who he wanted you to be.”

 

“But what if I’m nothing without that.”

 

“You aren’t nothing.” 

 

Dean shook his head, crossing his arms. “I don’t know who to be if I’m not that soldier.”

 

“You aren’t a soldier, Dean. You aren’t.” She smiled. “You’re Dean Winchester. A man who has been through a lot of battles, but came out on top. A man who cares deeply for the people in his life. A man who gave his all for his family. You are special.”

 

“You really think that?”

 

“I know that.”

 

Dean felt the smile on his face and he also felt the sadness beneath it. The reality that he was leaving this room soon. That he wouldn’t have this soon. Dean wiped away a few tears and took a sip of water. “What happens after I leave here?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Does all of this,” Dean gestured around the room, “just stop?”

 

“Therapy?” Dean nodded. “With us, yes.” Dean felt the emptiness of those words and it scared the hell out of him. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t come back.” He felt a little smile playing at the corner of his mouth and he tried to hide it. “Or you can see another therapist.” Dean wanted to laugh at that. No way could he start this process over again with someone new. Laura grabbed a piece of paper. “And you can contact these numbers or do the things on here.” She extended the piece of paper to Dean. “Help doesn’t go away when you walk out that room. I promise you that.”

 

Dean stared down at the piece of paper, his eyes dancing over the numbers and words. Things like journaling making him smile slightly. He folded up the piece of paper and looked back up at her. “Thanks.” She nodded. Dean looked at the plate of pies and started picking at the piece of apple. “You really should try some of this. It’s damn good pie.”

 

She chuckled. “Okay. Maybe I will.” Dean smiled and cut her off a slice of pecan pie. They spent the rest of the session talking like they were old friends. Talking about nothing that made him cry. And when Dean left he had to stop himself from hugging her. Instead, he simply thanked her and told her goodbye.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this or has recently discovered this series. The feedback I have been getting helped to push to write on. There is a lot left to say in this story and we may or may not see Laura back again. ;)


	10. Camille

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean visits the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little bit different. Or at least it is different than what I had mapped out. Hope you guys like it.

They drove to Glen Elder State Park after Dean’s Session, Donna staying behind the wheel. They parked the car, leashed Lola, and took a short walk to a bench sitting beneath two trees. Laura had given Dean the pies to take with him and he set them down between them and handed Donna a fork. They sat quietly eating bites from each pie, Donna favoring the pecan and Dean the cherry. Lola lay down in front of them, chewing on one of the treats that Laura had left for her.

 

They were about halfway through their respective pies, when Donna broached the question that Dean had been waiting for since he walked out of that building. “How do you feel?”

 

Dean took one last bite of pie, swallowed and looked out over the park. He watched as the wind blew through a tree ahead of him, the leaves swaying and threatening to fall. “I’m…” Fine. Just Peachy. Never been better. “I’m scared.” He decided to go for honesty. 

 

Donna rested her hand on his back, rubbing comforting circles. He leaned into the warmth. “What do you need from me?”

 

Dean opened his eyes and glanced over at her, smiling. “Just more of this. Just you.”

 

Donna moved the pies aside and scooted closer to him, their thighs touching. She took his face into her hands. “You have me. Always.” She kissed him. Kissed him like she was reminding him that she was his and he was hers. Reminding him that she was always going to be there no matter what. Kissed him like she really and truly loved him. 

 

They pulled apart and Donna gave him a quick peck on the nose before resting her head on his shoulder. Dean took her hand in his and they sat there, watching the sunset, moving closer as the wind became chillier. Just being together. Just being one.

 

***

 

The next two months went by in a flash. By the time Dean and Donna had returned from the park, Cas was already working on their next case. Demons a few towns over. More than just one and by the looks of it they were growing in numbers. This time Dean couldn’t get away with leaving Donna behind, so he had to pull all his strength together and remember that she was strong. She could kick ass with the best of them. She made it out with just a couple of bruises and an exorcism under her belt. He was proud of her.

 

That hunt was followed up by another one in Oregon and then one that took them to Illinois and then they did a quick salt and burn in Florida. It was a busy time for the three of them. Lola was getting better on the road. She would serve as one of the best judges of character. They could usually spot the liar in ten seconds flat when she was there. And if there was a ghost that they had yet to get rid of, she would let them know. It made Dean both happy and scared out of his mind. 

 

Sam had remained in California. He said he would return once things were really okay with Beth, but his calls starting coming in less and less frequently and Sam had even asked Dean to send him a box with some of his things. Dean was pretty sure Sam was going to be staying in California. Pretty sure his brother was not going to come back to live in the bunker. 

 

The realization that Sam might actually be gone filled Dean with a mixture of emotions. Some that he was used to, like being scared. He had always been scared when his brother was far away. Scared to be without him. Scared that he wasn’t there to protect him. Scared that maybe his baby brother didn’t need him anymore. He was also sad. Sad that he didn’t have his brother there. Sad that his friend wasn't around. 

 

But then there this was this unfamiliar emotion that almost seemed to dominate the others; happiness. He felt guilty about it. Why should he be happy that Sam is gone? Why should he feel this relief? But he did. And not just because he had been Sam’s caretaker. Not just because he had been his father. But because he knew Sam was finally okay to be on his own. He knew that Sam didn’t need him. Something that should have gone in the fear column, but now went into that happy column. 

 

Despite this, Donna was worried about him. He could tell. She never said it. Never talked down to him or treated him like he was a baby. But she stayed near him. She watched him. She made sure he always knew that she was there. That she wasn’t going to leave him. 

 

They still hadn’t discussed the future. Donna still had her house in Stillwater. She would have friends check up on it every once in a while. But she had made no mention of leaving. Instead, she had put in a forwarding request for her mail to a little P.O. Box in town. Dean wondered how long they could ignore the subject. Would it be brought up when Donna decided to sell her house in Stillwater? Or worse, she decided she couldn’t be in Kansas anymore. Decided that she missed the force. 

 

Cas was becoming a better hunter every day. Better than he had ever been before. He had been doing it a long time now and one day he came to Dean with a decision. He told him he was going to be a hunter. Only a hunter. No more angel business, unless it was absolutely necessary. Dean felt thrilled by that and told Cas that he was one of the best hunters he’d ever known. The smile that came across Cas’ face at those words was so genuine that it almost made Dean cry. 

 

Everything seemed to be going okay. Even with the hunts and the scrapes and bruises and Sam gone. It all seemed okay. And for the most part, it really was. But Donna probably had a reason to worry about him. No, she did have a reason to worry about him. Dean wasn’t fully okay. He had made progress, that was for sure, but he had left his last therapy session after opening a wound he had never really acknowledged was there. That wound that his father had left behind. 

 

He had started obsessively reading his dad’s journal. It wasn’t like he would read it when they had some case that they couldn’t quite solve. He wasn’t reading it to find out what monster they were hunting. He was reading it to find out who his dad was. He was searching for some answer in between the words that his dad had written down. Something that would tell him who John Winchester really was. Maybe tell him that he wasn’t the angry, obsessed man he had grown up with.

 

And when the journal didn’t provide some of the answers, Dean would start searching the internet. Searching for old newspaper clippings. Articles about hunts that his dad had done on his own. Searching for pictures, maybe some mention of his dad. He was starving for it. 

He didn’t tell anyone what he was doing. When Donna caught him reading his dad’s journal one day, he lied and said he was researching a monster for some hunter back east. He hated lying to her, but he didn’t want her to worry more than she already was. 

 

But despite his searching, he still couldn’t find those answers he was looking for. It was like his dad left out all the big emotion when he wrote. It was something Dean had never been able to accomplish. 

 

Then one day Dean had an idea. An idea that he knew was probably stupid. Probably a waste of time. He’d probably only end up finding a list of dead hunters, but he had to try. He decided he would visit some of the people mentioned in his journal. The other hunters. The names that John did bother providing. People he mentioned in case they needed their help again. Chances were most of them were dead. Hell, he already knew a couple who were. But Dean had to try. He needed to try. 

 

He started by calling numbers that were provided. Most were disconnected or answered by someone who wanted nothing to do with the Winchesters. There was still that bad blood out there between them and some in the hunter world. A few others he found out were dead or had been MIA for years. 

 

He was getting frustrated and was about to give up this ridiculous mission he was on when he found a woman in Madison, Georgia who had worked a skinwalker case with his dad back in 1991. Her name was Camille and she actually agreed to meet with him, although she made it clear that she was not in that life anymore. That she had found a way out and planned to make it stay that way. He assured her that he only wanted to meet with her, no new monsters involved. 

 

He didn’t know what to tell Donna. He was pretty sure if he told her the truth she would want to come with him and this was something he had to do by himself. But if he didn’t tell her the truth it would be just one more lie he had told her. One more lie he would regret. One more lie that could hurt her. So he decided to tell her. He decided to tell her everything. 

 

“So, that’s why you had your dad’s journal out?” Dean nodded, feeling guilty. “And this woman you’re going to see, she worked with him?” 

 

“Yeah. I mean at least once.” Dean shrugged. “I mean she probably won’t be able to tell me anything anyway.”

 

Donna scooted the library chair she was sitting in closer to him. “You don’t know that.”

 

“My dad was pretty much all business when it came to hunting.” Dean picked up a pen on the table and started playing with it. 

 

“I… I want to go with you.” Dean was expecting that.

 

“Donna-”

 

“I don’t have to go with you to her house. I can stay in the car or in some motel. I can just be there for you.”

 

Dean took her hands in his. “Donna, I want you to do everything with me, but this is something I have to do by myself.”

 

“But what if what she tells you is… what if you don’t like what she says?”

 

Dean brought her hands up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. “Then I come home.”

 

He could see Donna wasn’t convinced. “Maybe you should call Sam and see if he wants to go with you.”

 

“Donna-”

 

“Or you could call Laura.” Dean knitted his brow, shocked by that suggestion. “I don’t mean for her to go with you, but she could maybe talk to you first. She could-”

 

“Donna, I’ll be okay.”

 

“Yeah.” She looked down and he knew she didn’t believe that.

 

“Hey.” She looked up at him. “It’s not your job to save me, remember?”

 

“Yeah, but I can help you.”

 

“And you are. Just by being here and listening. By taking care of Lola while I’m gone.” He leaned forward, setting his hands on her hips. “And you’ll be there with me in spirit, okay?”

 

He could tell she didn’t want to let this go. Could tell that she wanted to push it further and he was starting to worry that she would always be waiting for him to fall apart. But she gave him a small smile and said, “Okay. As long as you promise that if it gets to be too much you'll call.”

 

He smiled. “I promise.” He pulled her towards him, kissing her. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered into her ear, “I’ll be okay, Donna. I’ll be okay.” He felt her head nodding against his shoulder and he tried to believe that those words were true. Tried to believe that no matter what he found out he would be okay. 

 

Dean set out for the seventeen-hour drive to Madison at five the next morning. Donna, woke at four, insisting she would make him a breakfast and sandwiches for the road. Dean gave a little bit of a protest, but his heart wasn’t in it. He liked having someone do this for him before he left. Liked having someone to kiss goodbye. Liked having someone else in his life. 

 

He gave Lola a scratch behind the ear and tried not to let her sad eyes and slight head tilt of concern, stop him from leaving. He kissed Donna goodbye, a long kiss that lingered with him as he pulled away from the bunker. 

 

He made a silent wish that this trip wouldn’t be a waste. Although, maybe he should be hoping that nothing important would be discovered in Georgia. 

 

***

 

He lost an hour on the drive out there and arrived just a bit before eight, having broken almost every speed limit and only stopping for gas and quick bathroom breaks. The town was quiet, with homes in the antebellum style. Huge white pillars and balconies that ran along the outside. He had a hard time picturing a hunter being here unless they were tracking down the ghosts of slavery. He shivered thinking about some of the things these houses had seen. 

 

He called Camille when he was about a half an hour outside of town and she gave him detailed directions. She sounded nervous and like at any moment she would change her mind, tell him to go back to Kansas and never call her again.

 

He pulled into the driveway of Camille’s house at eight. She lived in what seemed to be a somewhat smaller version of all the other white houses he had passed by. Still had the pillars, but not quite as huge. It was like it was trying to be a model of the other houses nearby. Maybe the baby version. 

 

He sat in his parked car for several minutes, his feet tapping on the floor of the car. He reached across the seat and grabbed his dad’s journal. Feeling like maybe he should bring some proof with him. 

 

After another minute or two, he turned off the engine, gathered all the courage he had, placed the little silver coin in his hand because you could never be too careful, and walked up to the front door. The door opened when he was two steps away. A woman in her late fifties stood in the doorway. Her hair was cut short with gray streaks. Her face looked worn and he could see scars on her arms and hands. Her eyes looked like they had been dry from years of crying. But she was still beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. “I was wondering when you were going to get up the courage to get out of that car.” Her accent was even thicker than it had been on the phone. Her eyes looked past him and at Baby. He could see the sadness cloud her face as her eyes raked over the Impala. He wondered how familiar she was with it. 

 

Dean held out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Camille.”  

 

She shook her head and brought her attention back to Dean. “You too, Dean.” She shook his hand. “Well, come on in.” She stepped out of the way, ushering him inside. 

 

“Thank you.” Dean looked around the house. It was much bigger once he got inside. All wood floors except for the circular rug that covered the entryway. The place was dark. Just a little light coming from the living room off the hallway. 

 

Camille closed the door. “Can I get you anything to drink? Lemonade or water?” She crossed her arms like she was preparing for a fight. “But no alcohol. Sorry, just don’t allow that in my home.”

 

“I don’t… I don’t drink.” She cocked her eyebrow like she was calling his bullshit. “At least not anymore. I’ll just take some water.”

 

She gestured toward the living room. “Make yourself at home.” 

 

Dean nodded and walked into the living room. There was a loveseat and two chairs near an old wooden coffee table. He sat down in one of the chairs, worried that if he sat on the loveseat she might sit next to him. Might crowd his space. For some reason, he wanted to keep some distance between them.

 

A couple minutes later Camille returned, two glasses of water in hand. She sat down in the chair across from him and watched with trained eyes as he took a sip of his water. She sat back when he was done and took a sip of hers. Dean grinned to himself. “Spike my water with something?”

 

“Can’t be too careful.” He understood all too well. “I figured you weren’t a demon when you walked through my Devil’s trap under that rug out there, but wanted to be extra careful.” She held her glass up to her mouth. “And there’s silver on the door frame that I saw your hand briefly touch.” She grinned to herself. “And nice touch on you with that silver coin in your hand.” Dean couldn’t help but look a little ashamed. “Very clever.”

 

“You still could be a demon or any number of things.”

 

“True.” She took another sip of her water, looking at him like she was challenging him to test her more. Something told him he didn’t have to, but he decided to humor her. He pulled out his flask and shrugged. “Fine.” She passed the glass of water to him and he dropped a couple of drops of holy water into her glass. She smiled, took it back, and took a healthy sip; clean. 

 

Dean looked around him, not ready yet to start a real conversation. “Nice place you have here.”

 

She laughed. “Yeah, real nice. I inherited it from some old family member I barely knew.” She looked around like she was viewing the place for the first time. “Lots of awful things happened here. Lots of ghosts I had to get rid of before I could settle in.” She looked down at her glass of water. “But it serves its purpose. Keeps me hidden.” She looked back up at him, frowning. “Or at least it did.”

 

Dean swallowed. “I’m sorry. I promise no one else will come here and disturb you.”

 

“It's fine. I’m the one who answered the call and invited you here.” She set down the glass of water. “Truth is, I was curious.”

 

“Curious?”

 

“I haven’t heard the name John Winchester in over twenty years. He was one of the best hunters I ever knew.” She looked down, a wistful smile on her face and her cheeks tinged a light pink. She looked back up at him and a sad smile replaced the one before it. “I was sorry to hear about his passing.”

 

“Thanks.” Dean looked down at his lap at his dad’s journal and changed the subject. “So my dad said you guys worked a skinwalker case together?”

 

She got a hopeful, almost youthful, smile on her face. “Your dad talked about me?”

 

“Not exactly.” Dean held up John’s journal. “He wrote about his cases in this.”

 

He saw the disappointment instantly and he felt uneasy thinking about how deep their relationship might have gone. “Yeah. We worked one in Oklahoma I think and then a few others here and there.”

 

“You worked more than one.”

 

She chuckled. “Yeah. I would say about six.” Dean’s eyes went a little wide. “Guess he didn’t mention those in that journal.” There was a slight bite to her tone, but Dean ignored it.

 

“No.”

 

She scoffed. “Figures.” She set down her glass. “So, did you need my help with a skinwalker case or have questions about that one or something? Because like I said, I’m out of that businesses.”

 

“No. I… I wanted to ask you about my dad. About John.”

 

She looked a little confused by that. “Why me?”

 

“Because you’re one of the only hunters I’ve been able to find from this thing.” He sat back. “And I just wanted to know what he was like when he wasn’t around me and Sam.”

 

“We didn’t know each other that well. Although it sure wasn’t due to a lack of trying on my part.” She smirked.

 

“Were you guys..”

 

She paused for a moment before answering. “Not really. Your dad didn’t really do relationships.” She grimaced. “Sorry.”

 

Dean shrugged. “It’s okay.”

 

“But he was never cruel about it. He was always a gentleman, a cocky gentleman, but a gentleman nonetheless.” She shook her head. “I should really stop talking about that.”

 

Dean laughed. “Well, at least I know my dad was a gentleman.”

 

She let out a little chuckle and then her face changed slightly. It was like she had left the room a little, her eyes focused on a corner over Dean’s shoulder. “You know what…” She looked at him and pointed with enthusiasm. “Yep, wait right here.” Before he even had a chance to say anything she was gone. 

 

Dean sat there for what seemed like forever, clutching the journal and worrying that she was never coming back. Maybe she had been a ghost. Maybe she vanished and would never return. 

 

Jut when he was about to go looking for her, she returned, a photo album in her hand. Dean’s stomach turned. “I haven’t looked at these in forever.” She sat down on the loveseat, close to his chair, and wiped the dust off of the album. She started flipping through, smiling and sometimes looking like she might cry, and then she stopped, letting out a little sigh. “Here it is.” She handed him the album. 

 

Dean looked down at the photo. His dad’s smiling face looked up at him, his arm wrapped around the shoulders of a younger and gorgeous Camille. Her long dark hair blowing in the wind. “That was right after our second hunt together. A nasty vampire nest outside of Philly.” Dean swallowed, his fingers tracing his dad’s face. “We barely made it out of that one alive. Probably why he looks so happy. He knew he was gonna be returning home to you boys.” 

 

Dean looked up from the photo album. “He talked about us?”

 

“All the time.” Dean looked back down at the photo. Looked at that smile. He recognized it from somewhere. “He really loved you, boys.”

 

Dean continued to stare at the photo. Looking at the crinkles in the corners of his dad’s eyes. The way they were almost glowing. His smile so bright and real. Then it hit him. It was the same smile he had seen in that picture in that shop back in Lawrence. He felt a little sick. Dean quickly handed the album back to her. “Thanks.” 

 

She stared at him for a moment, before she took the album from him. “I used to take pictures after a successful hunt. Just a way to remember the good parts, I guess.” She was looking straight ahead of her, not really even seeing him there. She sighed and looked back at him. “Anyway, your dad was one of those good parts.” Dean didn’t know what to say to that. 

 

A silence settled over them for a few minutes. Dean not sure he knew what else to ask for in this situation. A part of him wishing he hadn’t made the trip. Finally, Camille cleared her throat and spoke. “So, was there anything else you wanted to ask me?”  Why was my dad a good part? He didn’t know how to make the words form. To make any words form. All he could think about was that smile on his dad’s face. A smile supposedly brought about by the joy of being able to see his sons. He opened and shut his mouth a few times, still not able to form words. Not even sure she could provide any kind of answers. 

 

He looked around the house that this former hunter occupied. Saw the shadows in the corners. The shadows that probably lurked in her heart. He had those shadows. Those dark shadows that had been there since he was a kid. Since his dad took them down this dark path. “Dean?”

 

He blinked a couple of times and looked at her. “I’m sorry?”

 

She reached her hand out but pulled it away before she touched him. A look of shock at the brief moment of intimacy she tried to bestow upon him. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah. Sorry. I just… “ He looked around the house again. “Was it hard?

 

“Was what hard?”

 

Dean swallowed. “Leaving… Hunting. Leaving hunting.” He looked over at her. 

 

She looked away from him, clearly uncomfortable with the question. “It was what I had to do.”

 

“Do you-”

 

“You came here to talk about your dad.” Her face appeared hard, almost cold. She gestured around her house. “Not this.” She pulled the album close to her chest, wrapping her arms around it. Almost trying to shield it from him. “So if we aren’t going to talk about that, I think you should go.”

 

Dean wanted to push. He wanted to know what it was like to leave it all behind. What it was like to live alone with all the ghosts in her mind. But he just stood up. “I’m sorry if I upset you.” She just clutched the album closer to her chest. “I’ll go.”

 

“There’s a motel about a mile down the main road you came in on.” She turned her face from him like she felt shame at not offering him a room to stay. 

 

“Thank you.” She nodded and led him out of the house. 

 

Dean walked down the front steps, his feet crunching on the gravel as he walked to his car. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Camille standing on the porch, the album still in her arms. Her face was drawn in a tight frown and he thought he saw tears in her eyes, but it was probably just the light from the porch. He waved as he got into his car, but she just stood there watching. Motionless as he pulled out of the driveway. 

 

***

 

The motel had about ten rooms, all of which were vacant. The older man behind the counter seemed shocked to see Dean walking through the door like he hadn’t seen a soul in years. He slid the key for room number eight across the counter to Dean and warned him that the police were just a phone call away. He wondered how awful he must have looked to make a comment like that. 

 

Dean walked into the room and was overcome by the loneliness of it all. The dirty windows. The peeling paint and the light sheen of dust on all the surfaces. He should be used to rooms like this. Rooms that wreaked of depression and bad decisions. But ever since the bunker each one became harder and harder to be in. Especially alone. 

 

He sat down on the bed, the mattress creaking beneath him. He pulled out his phone and stared at it for a moment before dialing. Donna picked up on the second ring. “Hey, you.” She sounded tired but happy to hear from him. It made him smile.

 

“Hey.” He proceeded to tell her about his weird little meeting and feeling guilty about just being there. He told her he missed her. Told her that he would be home soon. He would leave tomorrow. No going back out there to disturb Camille again. 

 

“You do what you need to do. Lola and I will be here waiting.”

 

He took a deep breath in, letting those words fill his heart. “I love you, Donna.”

 

“I love you, Dean.” They talked until he could hear Donna drifting off to sleep. He told her goodnight. Wished he could kiss her. And lay back on the bed, turning the T.V. on and letting the mindless noise drown out whatever was going on in his head. 

 

***

 

There was a loud knocking on his motel room door that jarred Dean out of sleep. He had fallen asleep on top of the covers while watching some old western on T.V. The television was still on, some infomercial blaring in the background. 

 

He reached out, turning the T.V. off. The knocking grew louder. He groaned and stood up, running a hand through his hair. “Coming.”

 

He opened the door and saw Camille on the other side and he instantly wished he had taken the time to change his clothes. She was kind enough not to comment on it. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

 

“It’s okay. I need to get on the road soon anyway.” 

 

“Can I take you to breakfast first?” She gave him a reassuring smile. 

 

He wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but his stomach was growling and he was never one to turn down a meal. “Sure. Let me just get changed .” She nodded and walked toward her car, an old white pick-up.

 

He followed her to a little diner in town. There were just three booths up against the wall and a counter that was almost the length of the tiny restaurant. Camille nodded to the man behind the counter who was busy talking to an older man sitting and drinking coffee. They walked toward the back and took a seat at a booth. “They have the best pancakes in town.” Dean gave her a quick smile and opened up the menu. “I owe you an apology.” Dean looked up from his menu. “I left hunting almost ten years ago and I… I try really hard to forget about it.” Dean felt that old familiar shame came rushing in. “When I got your call I was scared. Scared you would come here and I would instantly want to go back to that life.” 

 

He was about to apologize when a young woman in her twenties with long brown hair pulled into a loose ponytail came walking up to them. “Hey, Camille.” 

 

“Hey, Tracy.” Tracy glanced over at Dean, giving him a little once-over before giving him a bashful little smile. He couldn’t deny that it was good for his ego. “This is Dean. He’s the son of an old friend.” 

 

Dean nodded. “Nice to meet you, Dean.”

 

“You too.” He smiled at her and she gave him another bashful grin before looking back at Camille.

 

“What can I get you two?”

 

Camille looked at Dean. “Pancakes?” Dean nodded. “We’ll both have the pancakes and some coffee.” Tracy nodded, glancing at Dean one more time, before leaving the table. Camille laughed. “Your dad had the same effect on the ladies.” She smirked. “Guess it’s a Winchester thing.”

 

“Well, it may have skipped my brother, Sam.” She chuckled. 

 

Tracy returned with their coffee. Dean thanked her and blew on the coffee before taking a sip. The warmth coating his throat. “I’m not going to ask you to return to hunting.”

 

“Oh, I know that now. I could see it in your face.” She wrapped her hands around her coffee mug. “You looked like a little kid. A lost little kid.” She sighed and opened up a packet of sugar, stirring it into her coffee. She took a sip of it like she was getting up the courage to ask her next question. “So, what do you really want to know about your dad?”

 

“We don’t have to talk about that if it-”

 

She held up her hand, cutting him off. “Dean, I owe your dad my life. It’s the least I can do.”

 

Dean glanced down at his coffee cup. He watched as the steam slowly rose. “What did he say about us?”

 

“You and Sam?” Dean nodded. “He would always say how proud he was of how you guys handled the road and how brave you were.” She took a sip of coffee. “He told me how smart Sam was and how quickly you were learning to be a hunter.” Dean felt his heart clench. “But he also told me how scared he was for both of you. Especially you, Dean.” Dean knitted his brow in confusion. “He said you were so caring and loving that he worried this world would eat you up and spit you out.” Dean swallowed. “My guess is it has.” Dean shifted in his seat, not wanting to look at her. Knowing she would see the affirmative answer there. “It does that to the best of us.” Dean looked up at her and their eyes met. He could see the pain in her eyes. The recognition. The knowledge that this life had almost destroyed both of them. 

 

Tracy approached their table, two plates of pancakes in hand. She set them down in front of them. “Can I get you guys anything else?”

 

Camille shook her head. “Nope. I think we’re fine.” Tracy nodded and left the table. Camille poured some syrup on her pancakes and passed it to Dean. He poured some on, not really sure he would be able to eat, and returned his attention to her. She took a bite of pancake and a contented smile spread across her face. She pointed her fork at Dean. “You should try ‘em before they get cold.” Dean took a bite and stopped himself from moaning around the fork. They truly were great. Buttery rich, but not too sweet. Fluffy. Delicate almost. He swallowed. “Told yeah.”

 

He smiled and took another bite, savoring every flavor that hit him. He took a couple bites, before setting down his fork. ”My dad was a mess.” The words slipped out before he had a chance to stop them. “I had to put him together more times than I can count.”

 

“I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “No kid should grow up in this life.”

 

“My dad loved my brother. Really did.” Dean shook his head, taking another sip of coffee. “But I think you’re wrong about him loving me. I think he resented me.”

 

“No, Dean that's not true.” She leaned forward a little. “You should’ve seen his face light up when he talked about you.”

 

“Yeah, well you should’ve heard the words he would yell at me.” Her mouth opened slightly, but she said nothing. “I idolized him. Wanted to be him.” His chin started to shake slightly. “But he was the first to almost destroy me.” It shocked him to say those words. To admit to that to a basic stranger. But she didn’t look shocked by any of it. Didn’t even look scared. He found some comfort in that. 

 

“Dean, I only knew your dad for a short time. Just a few hunts. So I know I can’t know everything that happened in your life and I’m so sorry that that happened to you.” She wiped her hands off and leaned her elbows on the table. “But I can tell you with certainty that he loved you.”

 

He shook his head. “I love my brother. I love my friend, Cas. I love my dog, Lola. And god do I love my girlfriend, Donna.” He looked at her. “I know what it is to really love someone. What my dad did... what he said…" Dean shook his head. "That wasn’t love.”

 

Camille looked at him for a few moments. Understanding and sorrow on her face. She then looked out the window. “My son was killed by a demon when he was just four years old.” She looked back at him. “A thing like that tears you up something awful.” She shook her head free of whatever memories had been brought up. “Now, I’m not trying to make an excuse for your dad. I hated that he was raising his kids in this life. Even told him that once.” She let out a humorless laugh. “Boy did I get an earful for that. He thought he was saving you guys. Getting you ready to fight all the evil that he knew was out there. And he was right, sort of.” She gave him a soft smile. “But he had that look in his eyes that I know I did too. That look of revenge. That anger. That need to make the world hurt as much as you did.” She reached her hand out and this time she didn’t pull away. She placed it on his. “Your dad was lost in that. Too lost to see the hurt he was causing.”

 

Dean looked at her for a moment, before blinking and pulling his hand away. “But you barely knew him.”

 

“I know. But I knew that pain.” Dean picked at his pancakes. “You came here to learn about your dad. What I told you, that’s what I knew about him. That was the John Winchester I knew. A charming, handsome, kick-ass hunter who loved his boys more than life itself.”

 

His mind flashed again to the picture in the garage in Lawrence and the picture in Camille’s photo album. “I wish I knew that John Winchester.” 

 

Camille smiled at him. “Me too.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am once again doing the Dean Winchester Big Bang this year. I am really going to try and not let it delay updates on this story, but with the DWBB having deadlines it might. Just wanted to give a heads up. <3


	11. She Brings Me Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean returns to the bunker and Donna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is the tiniest bit of smut in this chapter. :)

Dean arrived back in Lebanon at a little after ten that night. Camille had made him promise to call if he needed anything, even if it was advice on a case. They had talked for a couple of hours at that diner. Just sitting over coffee, Camille telling him funny stories about his dad. Telling him how kind he was to strangers. Telling him about a man that he never really got to see.

When Dean walked into the bunker he was greeted by silence. No one in the library. No one in the kitchen. Not even Lola was at the door to greet him. He felt that first quick shot of fear, even though he knew he wasn’t alone. Knew that in reality, they were all there; Donna, Cas, and Lola. His family. All but Sam.

Dean walked down the hallway toward his room and stopped when he got to the doorway. Donna was lying under the covers, a book lying on her chest. He could see that she was sleeping, her chest rising and falling with each peaceful breath she took. Lola was lying next to her, her head on Donna’s lap. She didn’t lift it to greet Dean and he could make out the faint sound of her snoring.

He stood there for just a minute before deciding that he didn’t have the heart to wake them yet. He quietly set his bag down just inside his room and walked toward Cas’ room.

Cas was sitting up in bed, a book in hand. He looked up and smiled. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas.” He walked in and took a seat at the desk.

Cas set his book aside and threw his legs over the side of the bed. “Did you have a good trip?”

“It was… weird.” He clasped his hands together. “How were things here?”

“Fine. No cases. Sam called.”

“Oh.” Dean hadn’t talked to his brother in a few days and he was surprised that Sam hadn’t tried him first.

“He was working a case with Beth. He had some questions.”

“Did he… did he sound happy?”

Cas considered the question for the second, before smiling. “Yes, he did.”

“Well, that’s good.” Dean rubbed his hands on his jeans. “Did you tell him where I was?”

“Just that you were out of town.” Cas knitted his eyebrows in concern. “I hope that was okay.”

Dean waved him off. “Yeah, of course.” Dean still didn’t know how he was going to tell Sam about what he did. But he wasn’t about to keep it from him. He needed to break that habit. They all did. “So, you still wanting to just live the hunter’s life?”

“Absolutely.” Cas got a serious look on his face and sat a little straighter. “I think I even be a solo hunter if need be.”

Dean felt that same little pain in his chest that he did when Sam left. “A solo hunter?”

Cas puffed his chest out slightly. “Yes, Dean. I may be a novice hunter, but I did plenty of battles in Heaven and on Earth all by myself.”

Dean held up his hand. “I’m not saying you can’t. I just… are you thinking of leaving?”

Cas frowned slightly. “No. I just want you to know that I can.” Cas looked at him for a second, his eyes imploring him to understand what he was saying without the words. Imploring him to see that Cas was giving Dean permission to leave. It made Dean’s stomach feel queasy and left a sour taste in his mouth.

Dean looked away and cleared his throat. “Yeah, well you don’t have to worry about that.” He clapped his hands. “We’re still Team Free Will.” He raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “Even without a missing member.” Dean stood up. “Well, I’m beat.” Dean placed his hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Thanks for everything, Cas.” Cas looked up at him, that same understanding look on his face, and nodded. Dean gave him a quick smile before heading out the door.

Dean leaned up against the wall outside his room, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. His brother was gone. His best friend was telling him he didn’t need him anymore. Not like he ever really did. It was all a little too much.

He stood there for a few minutes, just taking in several deep breaths. Just trying to accept what was happening. Trying not to feel so alone.

After another minute, he pulled himself away from the wall and walked into his room. Donna was still asleep. The book still spread out on her lap. Lola was still resting her head on her lap, her paws slowly running in her sleep. Dean watched as the light from the bedside lamp cascaded over Donna’s face. Listened to the soft snoring from Lola and he felt his heart swell, actually sell. He wasn’t really alone. He could never be alone with them by his side. They were home.

He slowly walked in, closing the door as quietly behind him. He took off his shoes and he saw Lola stir a little bit. He started to take off his jeans and she opened her eyes, still sleepy but he saw them light up in recognition when he saw her. She jumped off the bed, light enough to not wake Donna, and trotted toward him, her tail wagging at such a high rate of speed that he felt a little breeze through the room.

Dean smiled and reached down, petting her. He whispered, “Hey, sweetheart.” She smiled up at him and there was that heart-swelling again. She nudged him with her hand and he stood there for a minute just petting her. Just staring down into her open and warm eyes.

After a minute, Lola laid down on the floor next to him, not wanting to leave his side. Maybe worried he would take that bag and go again. Dean took off his jeans and shirt and headed toward Donna’s side of the bed. Lola followed close behind him. He knelt down beside Donna, wanting to wake her and kiss her, hear her voice, but she looked so peaceful. So beautiful. He gingerly removed the book and set it down on the nightstand. He gave her a quick kiss on her forehead before turning off the light.

Dean walked around to the other side of the bed, pulled back the covers and crawled inside. Lola instantly jumped up, curling up at his feet. He turned on his side and looked over at Donna, still sleeping peacefully. He started to close his eyes when she spoke, “So, you were just gonna go to sleep without saying hello?”

Dean opened his eyes and saw her smiling brightly at him. “I didn’t wanna wake you.”

Donna reached her hand out, caressing his cheek. “You can always wake me.” She leaned forward and kissed him. He had only been gone for a day, but he had missed the softness of her lips something terrible. Missed the taste of her tongue. The feel of her fingers lightly touching his neck. They pulled apart and she ran her fingers through his hair. “You okay?”

He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. “I am now.” He kissed her and she set her head on his chest, her breath lightly cascading over his skin. This was his home. This was all he needed.

***

Dean woke up to the smell of bacon and he briefly wondered if he had somehow sleepwalked into the kitchen. He yawned, opened his eyes, and was greeted by the smiling face of Donna, a tray in her hand. “Made you breakfast.”

He stretched and sat up. She placed a tray in front of him. A plate with bacon, eggs, and french toast on it. Coffee and orange juice on the side. “Mmm… I could get used to this.”

“Yeah, well don’t start thinking I’m gonna be some sort of homemaker. I still expect you to make your famous bacon cheeseburgers and cherry pie.” She raised her eyebrow and gave him a pleased little grin.

Dean took a bite of bacon and smiled at Donna. “Oh, I think I can definitely do that. Hell, I may even bring it to you in bed.” He winked at her, his eyes filled with mischief and he watched as the tips of her ears turned just the slightest shade of pink. Another moment when his heart swelled. “Thanks for breakfast.”

She squeezed his leg. “You’re welcome.” She stood up and started walking toward the door.

“Hey.” She turned back toward him. “Why don’t you join me?” He patted the other side of the bed. “Maybe after I finish this breakfast I could, you know, eat something else.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and she giggled.

“I have to go walk Lola.” He frowned as she opened the door. She looked over her shoulder. “But, maybe when I come back and if you’re not too full, I may have a dessert for you.” She winked at him and gave him a cocky little smile. He swallowed, wishing the walk would hurry up and end.

Dean woofed down the breakfast, his eyes trained on the bedroom door, hoping that at any minute it would open. After about an hour he started to get anxious and the tray was getting kind of annoying. He sighed and climbed out of bed, throwing on a robe, and headed down the hall to the kitchen.

He turned the corner and saw that Donna was sitting at the breakfast table having what appeared to be a pretty deep talk with Cas. He let out a loud and over exaggerated sigh as he set his breakfast dishes down on the counter. Donna turned to look at him giving him a quick and apologetic smile. “Morning, Dean,” Cas said.

Dean kept his eyes on Donna. “Mornin’, Cas.”

“I didn’t even know you were up yet.”

Dean poured himself a cup of coffee. “I’ve been up for a while. Just patiently waiting for dessert.” He quirked his eyebrow at Donna. She looked at him and shrugged, an innocent look on her face.

“I think there are cookies in the cupboard, Dean. I saw Donna eating them the other day.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad Donna gets to eat dessert,” Dean smirked as he drank his coffee and delighted in seeing Donna’s face turn beet red.

“I’m sure Donna would share them with you.” Donna’s eyes opened wide and Dean nearly choked on his coffee.

“Believe me, Cas, I’m hoping she does.” Donna turned her eyes from him, turning her attention to her own cup of coffee.

She took a sip and then turned toward Cas. “Anyway, you’ll have to let me read that book when you’re done.”

Cas looked between Dean and Donna before answering. “Of course.” Cas stood up, his coffee cup in hand. “I think I’ll go outside and read for a bit.” If Dean didn’t know any better, he would’ve sworn that Cas had somehow caught on to the fact that Dean wanted Donna all to himself. “Hope you get that dessert you want, Dean.” Dean spit out the little bit of coffee in his mouth. “Come on, Lola.” Lola followed Cas out of the kitchen.

Donna started laughing, looking toward the kitchen door. “Sometimes I think he is way more in touch with human beings than we give him credit for.” She shook her head and then turned around to see Dean standing next to her, looking down at her with a look of pure lust. She swallowed. “Hey.”

Dean leaned down his mouth next to her ear. “So, what do I have to do to get one of your cookies?” He gave her a quick kiss behind her ear. His tongue sneaking out for just a taste.

She licked her lips and he saw the heated look in her eye. She tried to play it cool and shrugged. “I don’t know. Have you been a good boy?”

Dean kneeled down next to her, placing a hand on her thigh. “I’ve been a very, very good boy.” He gave her thigh a little squeeze, his fingers tracing circles on her skin. “I can even show you how good.”

Donna swallowed and he stared at her throat, watching her pulse quicken slightly. She gave him a wicked little grin, her eyes filled with desire. “Well then, I guess you can have a cookie.” Dean gave her a heated once over before grabbing her hand and nearly dragging her out of the kitchen and toward the bedroom.

He pinned Donna up against the closed bedroom door, his body pressed close to hers. She groaned as he started placing open-mouthed kisses down her jaw and her neck. “God, I missed you.” The reality of those words. The reality that just a little over twenty-four hours away from her had seemed like so long, made his breath hitch slightly.

Donna arched her body into him and Dean wrapped his arms around her, pulling her away from the bedroom door. He started kissing her. Hungry, needy kisses.

They parted long enough to quickly discard their clothing, then they were on each other in a flash. Their skin like fire to the touch. Dean picked her up and she wrapped her legs around him as he walked them toward the bed.

Dean set her down on the bed, laying down on top of her. His arms holding his body up as he started trailing kisses down her neck, over her chest, paying attention to every bit of her skin. Using his tongue to taste. It was like they had been apart for years. They couldn’t get enough of each other.

He started whispering words to her that he wasn’t even sure were heard. Words about how much he needed her. How much he wanted her. All the things she did to him. How good she made him feel. How much he loved her. She would respond with words of praise or fingers on his skin, a tongue tasting him. And when they came together it was like lightning. It was like a storm he wanted to drown in.

They collapsed back on the bed, both covered in a fine sheen of sweat. Dean reached a hand out, moving a strand of hair from Donna’s face. “You are the sexiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

Donna giggled, turning on her stomach and leaning over to kiss him, long and deep and he was relieved to not see or feel a single second of doubt in her. She gave him a wicked little grin. “You’re not so bad yourself.” They kissed for a little bit and then once their sweat got to be too much, they made there way to the shower. Kissing and lingering under the water until it ran cold.

They spent the rest o the morning in a nice little fog of love. As cheesy as that sounded in Dean’s head. But he liked being cheesy. Liked feeling this happy and free.

***

It was early evening and Dean and Donna were sitting outside on the log that had unofficially become there’s. Lola was sniffing around at the leaves on the ground and Dean thought how picturesque it all was. So removed from all the pain he had felt in his life. So removed from all the stuff he’d been going through.

Donna picked her head up off of Dean’s shoulder and he watched as she took in a deep breath. Watched as she prepared herself for something and he wished just once that the happiness in his life wouldn’t be interrupted by something bad. “I need to tell you something.”

Dean tried to hide all the fear that sentenced stirred up in him and tried to cling to what the rest of the day had been like. “Shoot.” He heard his voice crack a bit when he said it and he hoped she hadn't heard it as well.

She turned to look at him, giving him that reassuring smile. “I think I need to go back to Stillwater.”

His stomach dropped. “Oh.”

She quickly grabbed his hand like she was trying to prevent him from leaving. “I’ll be back. I just… I still have a home there and my jeep and… I think we’ve been avoiding this for so long that it’s just gonna get harder and harder to talk about if we keep doing that.”

“Avoiding what?” Donna cocked her head to the side and gave him that look that told him she wasn’t going to let him just avoid this. “I guess I was just hoping we could ignore it a little while longer.” He turned slightly, looking back at Lola. Watching her sniffing the ground. She looked up at them and got that wide smile on her face again.

“Dean, I want to be with you. I always want to be with you.” He looked back at her and she squeezed his hand. “You’re all I want, but we haven’t really talked about what’s going on here. I mean am I living here or there or would you even...” She closed her eyes, looking away.

“Would I even what?” She opened her eyes but didn’t answer his question. “Come on, Donna. You said we can’t ignore this.”

She nodded and looked at him. “Would you even consider moving to Stillwater?” He stared at her for a minute, his mouth trying to form words. His head trying to decide what would be the right thing to say. He saw her frown and look away. “That’s what I thought.”

He turned his body toward her. “Hey, I didn’t say no.”

“But you didn’t say yes.”

“Donna, I… I’ve never had this. A home. A place with my own room and I just-”

She held up her hand. “It’s okay. I get it.” She looked out over the little bit of woods in front of them. “It's nice here. It’s pretty and mostly safe. But I also love my place and that could be home too.” She looked at him, a pleading look on her face.

“I just don’t know. I mean Cas is here and Sam might… I don’t know.”

“I get it. They’re your family.”

Dean squeezed her hand. “You’re my family too.”

“I know.” She sighed. “And I thought I could just move in here. It would be so easy.”

“I actually thought… I actually thought that’s what was happening.” He frowned. “That's why I didn’t say anything. I thought if I opened my mouth I would be proven wrong.”

“You aren’t entirely. I want to be here. I want to be next to you. But I miss Stillwater. I miss my home.”

Dean felt that pain in his chest that he did when Sam left and when Cas gave Dean permission to leave. But this pain was worse. This pain was deeper. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Donna pulled him into her arms, hugging him tightly. “That's not gonna happen.” She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his head. “Never.” She pulled away and cupped his face in her hands. “I just need to think about where I can be. I need to decide what my future will be.” She gave him a quick kiss. “But no matter what, you are a part of that future. Okay?”

He nodded, not wanting to agree. Not wanting to let her go. But he knew he had to. He knew she was right. “Okay.” He hugged her tightly. “But you come back soon, okay? I mean like in a day or two.”

She laughed softly. “Okay. And you can always come to Stillwater.” She pulled away. “I mean that, Dean.” The hope in her eyes nearly took his breath away.

“I know.” he wanted to. He wanted to fall into her world and leave this one behind. But he wasn’t sure he was prepared to do that just yet.

They held each other, watching as the sun set around them. Watched as reality set in. Watched as life reared its ugly head.

***

Donna left three days later. Dean told her he could drive her, but she insisted on taking a plane, joking about wanting a chance to do that without her scared boyfriend clinging to her. But he had a feeling it was because she wanted some time alone and that hurt more than he was willing to admit. He drove her to the airport, giving her the longest kiss goodbye that he could. He was shocked to see that driving her there, watching her walk into the airport, didn’t bring about his fear of flying. It only brought out his fear of losing her.

Dean was grateful to find a case two days later to lose himself in. But he found that even the case didn’t take his mind off the fact that he had a decision to make. That Donna wasn’t the only one that needed to figure things out. He needed to decide where his life would be with her and what that life would look like.

When Cas and Dean returned to the bunker there was a very familiar truck in the bunker’s garage. Dean turned off the engine, grabbed Lola and his bag, and followed Cas inside. He was feeling a mixture of happiness and fear. Fear of why that truck was there, but glad to see the owner again.

They walked into the war room and Sam stood up from his seat, a wide grin on his face. A grin that almost masked the nervousness in his gait. “Hey, guys.” Dean smiled and walked down the steps to give his brother a big hug. 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up that this is going to be the most challenging part of this series for me, so updates may not be as frequent as they have been in the past. Plus, I'm working on my piece for the Dean Winchester Big Bang and that will take up a lot of my writing time. I promise to update as much as possible. :) <3


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